Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 10

What does your family mean to you?

I suppose the definition of this word changes as we grow up and experience many things later in life. I grew up in a close knitted family where the nine of us (grandparents, uncles) would squeeze into a 3 bedroom flat like some Singaporeans.

My father being a fishmonger would leave the house at the stroke of midnight to source for fresh fish to sell in the market. He would only return home for lunch at noon time the next day. The timing crash would mean I have little communication with him.

My mum was a housewife turned stall helper as there was none other people in the family who wanted to run the stall. I would say that I grew up in the wet market as I too had to help out at the age of seven.

My family was not financially strong in my standards as there were many things which I didn’t get compared to my peers. For me, I didn’t know a holiday also meant a trip overseas as most of the time I would only know it’s a festive celebration.

I used to think my school treated me better than my parents as they gave me a story book as encouragement for my hard work in school.

My mother would only tell me “Good job… study harder so that you won’t lead a life like us.”

In a mind of a twelve year old, I didn’t like the both of them very much because they always would stop me from doing the things I liked. I resorted to rebellion by doing badly for my final year in primary school. Although I still advanced to a 4 year secondary school course, many would have expected me to enter a better school.

As a teen, I practically failed everything that lay in front of me. Efforts of getting a tutor resulted in vain as I wasn’t interested in doing the things which my parents wanted.
I quarreled with them many times in my life. Each time, my mum would only break down in tears and told me that I won’t understand until the day I became a parent.

With my younger brother scoring all the grades and taking home saving all the faces for the both of them, I was totally ignored as I was labeled as the ‘bad’ son for life.
I don’t like to stay at home because I cannot stand the constant nagging from her about my room, my grades, my friends and my life. I always felt better when I’m out with my friends.

As I grew older, I realized that we don’t talk to each other anymore. They would go out of the house by midnight and I would only return home after that. By the time they have finished the business, I would have slept enough and got out of the house before they were back.
My mum tried to ask me something when I was having my dinner.

“Why must you ask this now?” I replied feeling agitated.
“Where were when I have something to ask?” To which my mum replied.

That sentence made a lot of awful sense as I couldn’t remember when the last time was I had a good conversation with my mum.

As I stepped out to work, maturity grew in me as I began to understand the word ‘family’ and tried to value it. I got to know more people and also realized that some of them don’t even have both parents to grow up with.

Guilt ran all across me because I wasn’t a good son to them.
All the damages had been done and all the wounds had been inflicted. Till this day, my mum would still not trust me over the things I said. I acknowledged that because I’ve lied to her so many times in my life.

But they were really surprised that I had changed and look forward to upgrade myself academically. They would still ask me not to study until so late into the night each time before they start work. I just quietly smiled and buried myself into the piles of books.
How times have fly.

As I observed them from afar at the fish stall, they have certainly aged quite a lot. They weren’t as strong as they used to be and they have to help each other to carry certain loads. It hurts me beyond words I saw it.

There are still many things which I want to do for them but are still not within my capabilities.

All I can do is to try to stay home as much as I can these days despite all the unfinished work. So that I can enjoy my mum’s cooking which I’ve missed so much many years ago.
Everyone would have their side of story to tell when you would to ask them about their families. Each and every story that you have with your family, be it sad or happiness is an experience that is kept in your heart and memories.

So what is a home with my family mean to me today?

It is a place where I know I will sleep soundly every night.

It is a place where I know I will be forgiven if I made a silly mistake.

It is a place where I know I will love each and every one as much as I can.

It is certainly a place where all the people who loved me in this world get together.

For some people, they may not necessary be the one who gave you your life but they are the ones who give you the time and attention which you needed.
If you dislike someone in the family for some reason, think about it again…

What does a family mean to you?

Nobody chose to ignore you, you only chose yourself to be ignored.

Love your family today because you won't know how many todays are there....

A moment of silence swept past the empty shop where three shadows stood apart. The short distance felt like continents apart as there was not a word spoken. There was no eye contacts too as both Edwin and his sister were hanging down their heads.

The joy of living together seems to have died on that day.

Three persons with three different feelings stood within a small compound of space. One who was angry about her way of life, one who was confused about his way of life and one who was guilty that he had created all the discomfort to his children.

Edwin’s father then walked slowly towards the entrance and brought back the stacks of groceries. Both Edwin and his sister didn’t know what to do but stood still as they watched.

A lady tried to walk into the shop.

“Sorry Madam”
His father called.

“Yes?”

“We are closed for today”

“Wah so early? It’s not even two o’clock”
The lady was taken aback by the reply.

“Yeah, we have some family matters to attend”
Edwin’s father smiled as he replied.

“Oh ok…”
The lady then walked out the shop feeling confused.

“Sorry, we hope to do your business again tomorrow.”
His father gently apologized for the inconvenience caused.

Edwin’s father took a last look outside before he pulled down the shutters and make his way up the stairs.

“Pa…”
Edwin finally broke the silence.


“Come upstairs… both of you, we’re close for today.”
His father replied as he took the steps one by one.

Edwin quickly went to support his father while his sister followed slowly behind them.

“Sit down”
His father asked his two children to sit at the old wooden dining table.

Both obliged without a hassle.

“Tell me something honestly… are you having a hard life with me?”

The two of them had mixed expression. Edwin was shaking his head in objection while his sister just lowered her head.

“Meiyee?”

There was still no response from his eldest daughter.
Finally Meiyee found the courage to speak up.

“Pa…”

“Yes?”

“Can I move to live with Aunt Grace?”

Edwin looked at his sister with shell shock expression.

Their father took a slow sigh before nodding his head.

“Maybe it’s a good idea too. She’s living all alone in her apartment; she would gladly need some company. Despite having all the richness one could only hope for, she has no companionship.”

“Jie, why must you leave this house and live with other people? This is your home you know? This is where your heart belongs.”

Meiyee turned and glared at her younger brother with the looks to kill.

“Ah Boy, what do you call this?”

She pointed to the messy living room and kitchen filled with groceries and necessity from the shop below.
“You call this a home? You call this dirty old place your home?”

Meiyee stood up.

“No matter how hard I tried to clean up this place, it’s useless. You can’t clean up an old place… every time there’s only stack of can food lying here and there. I’m so sick and tired of this place”

Edwin looked at her.

“Jie, it’s not where you live that’s call a home. It’s who you live with that make up a home.”

“I think we should have sold this dirty old place a long time ago. Maybe we could move into a flat where each of us will have our own rooms”

There was a loud bang from the table before Meiyee could finish her sentence.

“You can pack your bags and leave but don’t ever insult this shop, this house. This is the creation of both me and your mother. Without this shop there won’t even be any of you here.”

“But Ah Pa, you can’t manage the shop any longer, why can’t you just give up and live on another source living?”

Meiyee knew there’s no turning back.

“Jie, stop it. I think you are going too far”
Edwin couldn’t bear to hear another word from his own sister.

“Me being too far? Has anyone ever being considerate for me? Has anyone ever know how the hell I grew up with? I don’t even have any friends since primary school and secondary school. You know why?”

Meiyee turned her attention to her brother.

“Would you bring your friends up here? Where there’s nothing but junk? I have to study and do the house chores all by myself. All your dirty laundries I have to wash by hand just because we can’t even afford a washing machine.”

Edwin didn’t say a word more.
Meiyee was right, she was the one who did all the chores, wash all the clothes, ironed them and put everything in place.

“Pa… you know how sad I am just now when he told me that we can’t be together?”

Meiyee finally broke down and sat down on the chair.

“Pa… you know how much I loved him? You know what he told me just now? ‘Meiyee, we have different status and lifestyle. I don’t think we suit each other’”

Meiyee covered her head with both her hands as she wept uncontrollably across the dining table.

“Meiyee, I know… It’s my entire fault…”

Edwin’s father tapped to comfort his sobbing daughter before he went away to make a phone call.

“Why does it matter so much to people about how rich or poor they are? Don’t the rich eat more than three meals per day? Don’t they get sick? Aren’t we all the same…?”

Edwin uttered to himself as he watched his sister from the corner of the table.

“Aunt Grace said she would be delighted for you to stay with her. This sister of mine worked so hard for all the years and never had someone to take care of her. Meiyee, please help me take good care of her ok?”

Their father pat on Meiyee’s shoulder as he into the kitchen.

“Let’s cook a nice dinner for you tonight. Go and pack your stuffs, I told her you will go over after dinner.”

Meiyee rubbed her eyes.

“It’s ok Pa, I can go over anytime.”

“It’s ok… just go and pack your stuff.”
There was smile once again from their father.

Edwin walked over to his sister and passed her some wipes.
“Jie, I sincerely hope you will be happy.”

Edwin said as he walked slowly back to his room closing his door.

There was no much conversation during dinner time as the three of them seated across the dining table.

“Pa, don’t worry. I will still come back to help out the shop.”
Meiyee tried to start the conversation.

“It’s ok… just come back when you are free”

Meiyee left for their Aunt’s house after dinner, Edwin helped to clear the dishes and washed the utensils while his father did the laundry.

As Edwin lied down on his bed, he felt a sense of emptiness surrounding him for the first time. There were often many giggles and voices came from the living room as Meiyee would chat with her friends. There wasn’t any noise tonight and somehow it made the house looked empty because of this.

Edwin let out a sigh as he covered his blanket.

The emptiness was suddenly shattered by the melody of his mobile phone. A message was sent by Janet.

[What are you doing?]

[Trying to sleep I guess]

[Haha.. I guess you didn’t succeed, nice try anyway.]

[What are you doing then?]
Edwin questioned back.

[Trying to sleep too]
Came the reply.

[Hahaha… look who’s calling the kettle black]

[Oh Why can’t you sleep then?]

[I can’t sleep because it’s too quiet here, what about you?]
Edwin replied.

[I can’t sleep… because I’m thinking about you]

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 9

If I would to ask you this question today, how long do you’ll need to answer it?
Less than a fraction of a second? Ten minutes? Maybe even through hours of thinking that yield no answer?

We make friends with the places we go to, the people we meet and the activities we joined. So if I would to ask you…

“So who’s your best friend ever?”

Did her face popped out in your mind as you read the question? Did his voice suddenly come round your memories?

I would believe everyone’s best friend is the person whom you clicked the most in terms of interest and topics cohesiveness.

Was he the one who always stood up for you whenever you faced difficulties with the people around you? Was she the one who always know what you want for lunch and would always wait for you with an umbrella after school?

As we lean back and recall where and how we know our best friends in life, I’m pretty sure that thought would put a bright smile on your face.

For a child, the best friend comes in the form of similarities and bonding. The best friend will always do as well as like the same thing as me. Whenever I’m with my best friend, I would feel that time is as short as any other happy moments throughout my life.

As we grow older, our best friend became our source of support as we discovered how cruel this world is really is. We’ll always hope that our best friend would be around when we are shattered in total sadness in a rejection. He/she is also the person whom you would share some of the darkest secrets with and not forgetting certain unforgettable moments in life.

As we grew even older into adulthood and beyond, somehow we no longer associate each other as ‘best friends’. Men find it somewhat ‘gayish’ to address each other as ‘best friends’; buddy would be an appropriate term.

Every meet up for coffee session is being planned through a lot of hard work, as both of us will have our own commitments in our families and work. As soon as we meet up, all the good memories will be relive once more.

It’s funny to realize that a best friend sometimes know so much more about you than even your life partner and it’s this kind of mutual understanding for the both of you that could made the two of you strike a long hour of talking even after a long period of absence.

I’ll never forget who my best friend is.
In fact, I’ve never even asked him whether I’m his best friend or not.
I guess all these don’t make a difference anymore because I know if he has anything in need, I will surely try my best to help him.

So who’s your best friend?

Have you got your answer?

I hope you already had that answer in your mind all along….

The sound of alarm ran across the house as the beginning of another day unfolds. It was half past five in the morning and everything was quiet and dark except for the streetlights.
Edwin opened his eyes and tried to search for his alarm clock.

“Darkness made everything look so hopeless in this world.”
Edwin finally found the clock as he got up from bed.

His sister and he had decided to help out with their father over the weekends so that their uncle could rest. They will work on alternate days so that each of them can have their own time for themselves as well. Today was Edwin’s ‘duty’ to help out as he stretched himself.

Edwin walked out to the kitchen and found a half boiled egg with pepper and soya sauce on the dining table. Beside it was a cup of hot brewed Milo and a piece of white bread.

“How many more eggs do I have to eat?”

Edwin yawned as he dragged himself to the toilet to wash up before he had his breakfast.

Edwin’s father was the first to go down to the shop and prepares for the coming day. As they got ready for the morning crowd, the morning sun too slowly climbed itself to awakening. Darkness was no longer there as rays of sunlight shone upon the greenery beyond.

Edwin climbed down the wooden stairs to the shop and helped his father with the shutters.
After that he slowly moved out the boxes of onions, potato and other groceries on the shelves outside the shop.

It looks to be a beautiful Sunday morning as Edwin stared at the sky.

“I wonder how many people actually see the whole process of sun rise.”
Edwin wondered as he moved out the boxes of groceries.

“Ah boy, you finished the half boiled egg?”

Edwin nodded silently.

“Good… boys like your age must eat more eggs.”

“Ok Ah pa… but why must it be half boiled?”

“Because that’s what your Ah gong feeds me!”

“Orh…”
Edwin couldn’t find another reason to revoke.

“Now go upstairs get some soya sauce to replenish”
His dad ordered as he predicted the demand.

The shop was ready for business by seven and gangs of housewives walked past the shop and stop by to get newspapers and other ingredients for their dinner.

As Edwin came down with a few bottles of soya sauce, he heard some commotion in the shop.

“Aiyoh, how come this ketchup cost $2.60?”
One of the housewives demanded an explanation from his father.

“Mrs Chew, our ketchup has been selling at this price. There’s no increase.”
Edwin’s father smiled as he tried to pacify the angry customer.

“No no, you know the supermarket over at the interchange? They are only selling it at $2.30; moreover they have the latest stock which is 15% size bigger than yours.”

“Really? I guess I have to check with my supplier.”

“Aiyah, why don’t you sell me at two dollars?”
The housewife tried to pick a bargain.

“I’m sorry but all our prices are fixed. We have never increase price unnecessarily throughout the years.”

“Ok what about $2.30? Same price with the supermarket?”
She counter offered.

“Mrs Chew, tell you what. I will sell it at $2.30, not because the supermarket is selling at this price but as gratitude of your support for so many years.”

That statement put a smile on her face as she walked around the shop to get more stuffs.

“Thanks Mrs Chew, see you next week”
Edwin’s father ushered her way out of the shop.

Edwin was observing every moment between his father and the lady customer.
His father turned and called out to him.

“Son…”

“Yes Ah Pa?”

“You know why I had to give in?”
Edwin shook his head.

His father smiled and explained.

“The first business of the day is very important. If you failed to make a deal on the first customer, your business for the day will be bad.”

“Really? Who told you that?”

His father shook his head.

“Everyone that has his own business will know that my boy.”

“But that’s just plain superstition”
Edwin replied.

“Every saying will have its reasons. People won’t say things just because they feel like saying it. People say things because of certain situations, thoughts and decision before they say. Just take it as a lesson in future; these are things which you can’t learn in school you know?”

Edwin keep nodding his head in agreement as he thought of the events that took place the day earlier.

Sunday morning was perhaps the busiest of all the other time, other day, as everybody seems to be out enjoying the morning Sunday. Both Edwin and his father worked tirelessly throughout the morning.


“Win, Ah Pa… lunch is ready”
Edwin’s sister shouted from the flat above.

“Oh it’s almost noon… how fast”
Edwin’s father exclaimed as he wiped his dirty hands with his singlet.

“Ah Pa, you go up and eat first”
Edwin suggested filially as his father had done more work.

“Ok… I’ll get your sister down to help you.”
His father slowly made his way up the stairs with a little limp.

“The joints must be hurting again.”
Edwin thought as he looked helplessly at his aging father.

Edwin’s sister came down as instructed.

“What happened to you yesterday?”

“My friend’s father admitted to hospital yesterday so I accompanied her for a while.”

“Did I hear wrongly?”
His sister was somewhat surprised with the reply.

“Huh? Yeah he got a heart attack so we had to rush to the hospital as soon as we heard the news.”

“No no no. That’s not what I meant.”

“Then?”

“My dear brother, you were with a girl whole day yesterday?”

“Ehhh…”
Edwin felt a sudden rushed of embarrassment like he never felt before.

“Oh my god.. you are blushing!!! Who’s the girl?”

Edwin knew he was no match for his sister.

“Jie, just a classmate lah.”

“Don’t bluff!”
His sister tried to dig more information from him but was stopped by the ringing of her mobile phone.

“You have to tell me all about it later!”
His sister turned and walked away as she picked up the phone.

Edwin continued to stack the arrays of items and took some dried fish out to get the afternoon sun.

It was all quiet when his sister walked back to him.

“Jie, you ok?”

She tried to smile but it broke before her eyes were redden.

“Oh my god, Jie what happened to you?
Edwin put away his stuffs and rushed to her.

“Nothing…”
She fought bravely to hold back the tears that lingered.

“Am I too young to understand again?”

His sister shook her head.

“Then please tell me?”

She shook her head once more.

“It’s nothing… I’ve said it…”

“Ok… please let me know if you want to.”
Edwin gave a pat on her shoulder.

*How can you not accept me just because I’m poor?*

“Huh? Jie, What did you say?”
Edwin was rather shock to hear that statement.

“I said nothing.”

“but I heard you saying something just now?”

“What did I say?”
His sister too became curious.

“You said about someone not accepting you just because you are …..poor….”

Edwin got a slap from his sister instantly before he could even finish the sentence.

“How can you eavesdrop my phone conversation?”

Edwin held up his cheek in total shock.

“but I didn’t…”

“It’s ok, it’s no deal also. Anyway I knew it all along. We are different from other people.”

His sister turned her back against him and sobs quietly.

“People can dine outside as much as they want. They can buy the latest mobile phone and personal computers. What do we have? This old shop that can’t even hold itself together.”

“but Jie, this shop is our birth place.”

“I don’t care, I can’t take it anymore. Everyone laughs at me in school just because I can’t afford to go outing with them. The guy I like rejects me because he thinks I’m going after his money. Poverty sucks totally and I might as well kill myself.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of them as Edwin could not find any other words of comfort to justify his sister’s anger.

“Am I giving the two of you a hard life?”

Both Edwin and his sister looked up.

It was their father who came down the stairs.

[To be Cont]