Thursday, August 19, 2004

[ My Character ]

Every one of us will have different character, something which makes us having distinct attractions or rejections from fellow peers, friends or even opposite sex. Often character is being used to understatement certain thoughts, actions & reactions. Your character makes you special, even though people are saying you are the pettiest person they’ve ever met. Your jealousy may kill a thousand cats but one thing you can be certain. You are bound to be remembered for who you are, based on your character.

People who claims to know me well enough often relates “Attitude Problem” with me. I wonder whether it’s the ‘A’ thing which runs through my name but I don’t doubt it. I do have attitude problems and yes I’m proactive in displaying my unhappiness towards people, things, issue or concern.

‘Whining’ could be another word to use but ‘Attitude Problem’ is certainly more manly & I don’t give a shit whether you like it or not!

Nobody knows me well.. or maybe I would say they won’t believe me if one day I would to tell them that I’ve complex inferior, split personality & a very low self esteem. I never like myself in anyway, despite people telling me how talented or creative I am.

Talent is 1% born & 99% hard work. Anyone can train hard enough to be creative or talented.. The difference is only the duration of time taken. ‘Looks’ are born with and will certainly grow with you throughout your life. Something which artificially will make you looked more stupid if you dare to try.

I will trade any good points of me, (if I can think of any) just to become good looking. Not to ply my trade in the showbiz and be a victim or the paparazzi but would love to see myself in a gigantic poster hanging over orchard road.

There might be people thinking how crazy or how unrealistic I am trying to give up everything just to become good looking. I would believe these people did not grow up suffering from brutally heart piercing comments about how fat or ugly you are. Times when even your closest friends would shun you, uninvited you when they go out with a group of females just because they feel you weren’t “fit”.

Times when your photo were “removed” from our group’s photo just because they feel I was causing more damaged to the picture than their “cuts”. I don’t blame them as much, because they were right. I simply don’t fit. My heart is isolated from the past abuse which for the only reason that females talk to me.. is to pass a message to my friends to tell him she is interested in knowing him.

I treasure friendship a lot, but at the same time I’m always happier alone. Just so that I won’t look at how people looked at me. Optimists always tell me our body is merely a shell.. its only the good of hearts that makes a person. Tell it to them whether do them, wash their clothes, clean their cars, outside of their house when external is merely a “shell”?

“Life will always be like that, & curse that group of prehistorically people who started to define Fat equals Ugly.”
Anntonii Lim
18th August 2004