[Life @ Work]

I guess many of us work not because we want to, but because we have to. I'm like almost every other workers who refuse to accept the fact that we are not born with a silver spoon, if not a gold one.

Just changed my job coming to 5 months as a Manufacturing Supervisor in a MNC. Life is hectic for me as I'm not a person who know how to refuse my workload. Everday we live, breath & talk about the 4M & 1E in Production.

[ Man - Material - Machine - Method - Environment ]

Legend had it said that anyone who can master the 5 elements will be able to turn the waves of Production. Then there's something about

[ Plan - Lead - Organize - Staffing - Control ]

which is self-explaining in the means of running the production line.
Then there's the 3 Es.

[ Efficiency - Effectivity - Economical ]

Then there's the 5 method of solving problems, 4W1H

[ What - Where - Who - Why - How ]

Its surprising, as I write... I realize how much I've learned from my 2 mentors. Everyday they are showing me how to handle the line, not really teaching but allowing my free play to adapt my knowledge to put into good use.

They've never actually train me in practical sense.. just plainly "whacked" me with things which they find fault in. People who don't understand their intention would think they are trying to make my life difficult with their demands.

Anyway I've developed my 5 'A's

Ambitious + Aggressiveness + Advantage + Assurance = Achievements

1) Have an ambitious mindset that you are going to lead your colleagues one day, for now it's up to you to convince them.

2) You need to be more aggressive than your Boss. He says 1 week, you give him within 3 days.

3) Know your advantages/disadvantages over your peers, work on them to overtake their capability & job scope.

4) Always give people a sense of assurance that you will do a good job. Not only give but also ensure the quality of your work.

With all that in mind, achievements will not be far away...

I've never wanted to climb in this company, more of taking it as a learning ground with mentor coaching. But people find me too ambitious that I'm aiming the manager's seat everyday. Not that they don't believe I can, but whether will I do a good job if given the oppournity is more important.

For now, I don't even want to think about climbing as I've not even learned how to walk...but I will not give up... not because I'm determined to succeed but I'm commited to...

Lastly, I've come to understand a quote about leadership.. well its quoted by me... maybe you've hear/see similarities.

" A Good Leader is not someone who shows how good he is but make the team realize how much potential each & other has "

[ * Binding & Bonding Love *]

People always say finding love is very difficult. Often they have spend countless of attempts to seek the lost souls of their counterparts. Many past attempts had failed me, leading me thinking that finding love is tough and would propably never go into a relationship.

Then without a speed warning, love hit me as I start my first relationship 4 years ago... on this day.. rather on this night.. with someone I barely know enough.

Then I thought, finding love is already so hard.. keeping it shouldn't be anything harder I guess.

Times passed, I have to live in 2 person's shoe now.. as so to speak.

I must know certain dates, I must know her likeness, hateness, fear, rage, feelings, emotions, goals.. every little things which I don't even cared for myself.

I must know what to say.. what not to.. How to react, how not to.. when to there for her.. when not to.. The things which I like but she don't.., the things I dread but she loves..

I've never paid so much attention to myself for almost 20 over years.. but there I was, keeping every little things about her..

I never give up.. because I knew she too was doing the same things that I'm doing for her. From there on.. I view love as more realistic feeling than romantic soap operas.

Loving someone doesn't mean you go up to the sky and pluck the moon to please her.

Loving someone means you have to understand her, her needs, her feelings to please her.

Understanding people isn't that hard...? well think again.. when most of the time we are complaining people don't understand us..

Over the years in a relationship.. I begin to fall into the trap like every attached male adults in Singapore.. working headlessly towards the fundings for future marriage, for house, for car..

I’m probably too busy or too drained out over my work.. and my studies.. All these to work towards the goal a good life towards the future.. I’m a calculative person & will do what my means to have a balanced life.

Time flows as little did I know I've already lost the little things that we used to do together..

Things like going to Bras Basah or the park behind my camp to just sit down and talk... our movies sessions have decrease & we don't meet as much as we do in the past.. I'm a simple person when it comes to relationship.. as walking with her in a park would have be enough..

I guess people would just say the relationship have matured or saturated.. What's already happened will not change.. I can only blame myself for putting too much commitment in my studies & job that I may have neglected her.. her needs, her feelings, her emotions..

Looking back.. I can't say I've done alot for her as her boyfriend.. I can't ask for much to be pleased...

Looking back, I finally understand the meaning of binding & bonding of a relationship. Time will pass, Things will change but the memory of love will remain as both of us walk together towards the future.. 4 years is not a very long time to understand one totally.. but it's enough to let you know that the person is very special to you.. deep within your hearts...

I find a part of Collin Raye's "Love me" very meaningful...

""If you get there before I do

Don't give up on me I'll meet you when my chores are through

I don't know how long I'll be But I'm not gonna let you down

Darling wait and see

And between now and then Til I see you again I'll be loving you Love, Me."

Anntonii Lim

- Last Wish -
Chapter 1
[The Beginning]

“Wake up Glen ! You will be late if you don’t !!!!”
“huh?? Arghhh let me sleep awhile more.....”
“Wake up or you will be late for school...!!!”

I struggled myself up from bed and moved like a snail to the washroom. I hated schools, I hated life, I hated everything which stands in my way. It was my first day in my Secondary 4 and therewasn’t a need to hurry but Mum had other ideas.

She always think that students who goes to school early tends to get higher grades. The bus stop was as usual, full of students and working adults. Just hate the sight of the working class as they always act as if they are very busy.

The bus came later than usual and there were a lot of pushing and pulling while boarding. Soon enough, the bus was full within minutes. I was about to push my way up for the last passenger when I heard a voice from below the bus.

“ex....excuse me but can I take this bus first? I’m in a rush ...so........”
“ Why should I......” as I turned my head around, something struck me as I continued
“..be in a ladies’ way? “ as I stepped down for her .

“ Thanks… you are a very kind person.....” She said as she boarded the bus.
I noticed her school uniform was the same as mine but didn’t have enough time for me to ask her name..

“ hmm.....I guess the school should not be a big place to find a gal”

The next thing I know, I was late for school as the next bus came nearly half an hour later. I ran my way into school and rushed up to my classroom like a physic maniac. When I reached my class, I was panting and sweating heavily and I almost shocked when I heard..

“Hi people, I’m June and I’m transferred here ............”
It was her !!!!! I couldn’t believe it !! I always thought these scenes only happen in the movies.

I walked in and stand beside her and said, “Hi people, I’m Glen and I think I’m late for class.....” as the class ended up in laughter. She handed me a tissue and thanked me for letting her boarded the bus first. I laughed and laughed as I didn’t know what to say her for that moment, however my happiness was short-lived as I was told to stay back after school to clean the canteen as I was late.
During the lessons, I kept spying on her. She looked very normal and didn’t have anything that makes any people to pay attention to but she looks very very special to me.

I kept thinking of her as I heard. “June, will you kindly read the paragraph for the class?” I stood up and found the whole class laughing , then I realized my mistakes and sat down with my face all red.

During break time, she was all alone as none really knows her yet. She was sitting near the garden where the flowers are especially beautiful today. I took my chance as I sat down with her.

“ Alone??”
“ yeah, guess I’m kinda new here and so not many people knows me yet”
“ June..eh.... why are you here? I mean...eh why did you transfer school?”

As she about to answer, a packet drop from her bag to the floor. There were a lot of pills and tablets and some of them came out from the bag. I bended down to help her and before I knew it she drop onto the floor like her bag. She had fainted.

Chapter 2

[The Illness]

“June !!! June !! Are you ok?? answer me!!!”
I called as I held her tightly, the ambulance came within minutes and I accompanied her to the hospital. I was in a total loss, why am I doing this?

Nevertheless my mind was only focus on JuneI really hope that she was alright and nothing else. Her parents came shortly and they seems like unsocial able people as they didn’t even talked to me.

Then her father came to talk to me. “Are you the one who send June to hospital?”

“Yes. She fainted in school this morning and is she alright now?”
“ Now youngster, listen to me carefully. Stay as far away from her as you can understand?”
“Huh? I don’t get it? Uncle I can’t even be her friend?”

He walked away before I could get my answer. I stayed at the information counter for a few minutes as I couldn’t understand what her father is saying. Moments later, I saw June coming out with her father holding her in he’s arms. She gave a faint look and walked away. The next day, she was absented in school and I was really worried about her.

Finally I thought of a plan to get her phone numbers from my form teacher. I gave an excuse of offer to bring June her notes as we lived quite near and hope to call her first before going to her house. After school I rushed home quickly to try my luck. There was no one picking up the phone, I tried and tried and finally someone answered.
“ hello........”
“ hello, may I speak to June please? I’m her classmate and I was told to give her some notes”
“Glen ?? Is it you?”
“June ?? June is it you?? How are you? What happened to you yesterday ??”

There was a lot of questions I wanted to ask her, it seems like we had lost contact for a few years.
“Glen ....I’m afraid we can’t talked over the phone right now...why don’t we meet at the park near our house?”
“ Ok June I waited for you there.....” as I hanged up. At the park, we finally met up.

We walked along the paths as she was talking about her parents.
“My father and mother are quite strict with me and doesn’t allow me to mix with strangers much as I’m quite sickly”
“You sure is ....and really scared the hell out of me you know?”
“You know Glen, sometimes I doesn’t know when my life will end, maybe today, maybe tomorrow or maybe even 50 years later...that depends on the illness”
“ huh??? illness? What illness you have?? Don’t scarred me again please”
“ No Glen, listen to me, I was born with it ..I also don’t know what the hell is happening but I only heard it over my parents when I was in the hospital yesterday”

Suddenly, she broke down crying. I wasn’t sure of how to cheer her up.
The gentle wind blows along the path. The branches of the trees are waving left and right, I held her up and said something which I never said to another gal before.

“June look at the trees, they are talking you know?”
“ huh?? What are trying to say?”
“ Look at the branches, my mother used to tell me that trees can talked and trees talk when there’s wind.. look at the tree over there with the red leaves let’s go there”

“Tell your worries to the trees, they know everything and they will help to pass your message around as the wind blows..........”

I sent her home that day hoping that her father wouldn’t catch me. I went home feeling very strange that night. I couldn’t help think of her but I also wasn’t sure I liked her or not.



Chapter 3
[The Rejection]

After the park meeting, we became the best of friends. We shared our joy and sorrow together and there were no secrets between us. Valentine’s Day was coming and the school was organizing a Dinner & Dance.

Everyone must get a partner to go for the event. I was about to asked June to be my partner when she called me.

“Hi Glen, haven’t sleep yet?”
“Yeah I was thinking about the dinner and dance...”
“Hmm.... me too..guess what? Rick had asked me to his partner!! I cannot believe it he’s the coolest guy in school”
“Well.....what can I say? All the best ?”
“Glen what about you ? Have you found your partner yet?”
“Nah..don’t think I will be going anyway. It wasn’t fun last year..........”
“Oh that’s too bad then..but anyway I gotta call Rick up to confirm.....bye”
“Bye...then..”
I hanged up the phone slowly, there were a lot of mixed feelings within me.

“Am I taking her as a friend only?? If I am, why would I be so sad when she partners others?”

That night was just the beginning of the countless sleepless night I had before Valentine’s Day. The day finally came, it was half day in my school as they prepares for that night’s Dinner & Dance. I went home very early as I didn’t want to see her with Rick.

Night time came really slow and I decided to take a walk in the park. I was walking aimlessly and before I knew it I was standing in front of the big red tree.

(June called it the big red tree as the reds were all red). The branches were swaying furiously up and down. I sat and begin to wonder the relationship between June and me.

“Sigh. I wonder if trees really talked and know people’s problem...if they do wonder if they will understand mine?”

The whole night, I sat below the red tree and started talking to it. Well I was really sad and disappointed, if not I wouldn’t had gone to talked to a tree...

“Tree, tree tell me what should I do? I think I’m falling in love with her but I don’t think she will love me..........”

As I finished, a shadow walked out of the tree, it was June............she looked beautiful with her outfit for the prom. I struggled myself to get up and walk towards her.


“ hey....June?? Why didn’t you at the Dinner & Dance?”
“Glen, the party ended early and Rick send me home, I called your place and your parents saidyou went to the park so I ...”
“ so....did you hear anything??”
“Glen, I don’t know how you feel but I always treated you as a brother and you are the one who I always looked for when I have something joyful or sad. I didn’t know you like me.....”
“Brother? hm......well guess it had always been a one sided affair for me”

I felt something flowing down my cheeks, it was tears...something which I thought doesn’t exist in me the feeling of crying was once again happened as I almost forgot I can cry.............My back was facing her as I was leaving .....

I hated her, but then again it was me who was a fool all this while ......I ran home, slammed the door behind me and cried all night.......what a fool I have been..............................


Chapter 4
[The Quarrel]

The next days in school was awful long for me, especially I have to face her all this time. I hardly listen to the class and flunk almost all my grades. There was a total change in me as I wasn’t the helpful, cheerful guy in class.

I looked liked a criminal to the class and even my buddies couldn’t do anything about me...as for June I heard from a friend that she was very close with Rick. One day, I received a phone call from June and she wanted to meet me at the Red Tree.

I went there and we had a quarrel.

“Glen ..What happen to you?? Why are you failing ??”
“Me ? As if you care???”
“Glen, listen to me ... whatever happened doesn’t mean you have to do this to yourself you know? I don’t wish to see the Glen now, the Glen who I used to know is a helpful, cheerful guy who will help others when they’re in trouble and cheer people up but look at yourself now...don’t you get it ?”

“The only thing I know is things changed as times goes and you cannot do anything to change them back” I said as I walked away from the tree, I knew she cried that day but I didn’t cared.

I kept receiving cards which put on my table which read “Buck Up!”
“Get a hold of yourself” but every time I tore the cards into pieces and threw them inside the dustbin.

At break time that day, Rick went to look for me. He pulled me one side of the canteen and we had a talk.

“Ok friend, I don’t know what the hell you did to June but better get things clear ok? She has been feeling very down these few days and I don’t want you to continue harassing her you get it?”

“Shut up Rick it’s none of your business ok?” Before I knew it, Rick had already threw a punch at my face and we had a fight in the school canteen.

June ran towards us and tried to call us to stop.

“Stop...please, Glen, Rick please stop ...you will get suspension if you don’t!”

There were none who can stop the fight, it was a fight which both Rick and I had in mind, whoever wins gets June.

“ Glen, stop this childish act will you??” June said as she gave me a slap. I stopped and stunned as it was the first time I got a slap from a girl. The worst thing was, the girl who slapped me was the one I loved most.

However Rick didn’t stop as he continued attacking me and I was unconscious within minutes. The thing I knew when I woke up was I was in hospital and my back was injured during the fight. June was sitting beside me.

“You ok?”
“ No...I don’t and in fact I don’t wish to see anyone now!”
“Glen.....please, things are what it seems to be.....Rick and I are only friends...I mean..”

I stopped her before she could continue,

“No point telling me, I’m not your close friend either and whatever you and Rick DOES NOT concern me......Now please leave me alone..”

There were tears in her eyes as she left the room, it was the first time I saw her feeling so sad. I wasn’t feeling better than her, things are worst than what it seems to be. I was discharged a few days later and that night, there was a rainstorm. As I was approaching my block, I saw a figure which was very familiar to me. It was June........


Chapter 5
[The Departure]

June was standing in the rain...soaking wet from head to toe. I walked towards her as she seems standing there aimlessly.
“Why are you here?” I asked when I sheltered my umbrella to her.
“Glen, I’m here to say good bye.....I...will be leaving for America tomorrow.....my father has decided to send me there as he doesn’t want to see me in this state”
“Oh is it? Should I be blame for this? For making you like this? Huh?”
“Glen, stop this, relationships aren’t suppose to be forced. Besides.....I...I....are we still friends?”

For the first time in my life, I began to wake up. I felt like a helpless soul trapped in a love web all along. I was beginning to wonder what had happened over me, what had came over me to do this to a gal I love most.

“Even if you really love someone, that doesn’t mean we have to be together right?”

“Hmm...Good Luck for your studies in America.....I will get over you soon I want to be your lover but became your friend instead, maybe it’s fate....”

She left me without saying another word, I felt as if it was the last time I see her. Her back view became smaller and smaller..soon enough, she was gone. Life was getting back to normal for me as I managed to pass my final exams and went to a polytechnic. The new environment had given me time to settle and make new friends, time flies like hell and soon I almost forget who is June.........

Until I received a parcel last Saturday.

“Glen ! there’s a parcel for you in the living room”
“Ok mum, I go get it.hmm.wonder who is it? It’s Valentine’s Day today.heh hehe”

I opened the as quickly as I could wondering who in my class will do such a thing, maybe it was a practical joke. There was a bottle, a small book together with a letter inside the parcel.

There were a lot of red leaves inside the bottle and it gave out a present fragrance. I took the letter out and sat down and wonder.

“Is this parcel from June?”

Nevertheless I opened the letter and read.


[Glen, this is June’s father mailing from the states. I hope you have prepare for this but June had passed away two weeks ago with her long term brain cancer..

Before she died, she was crying as she said the person she wanted to see last on earth was you......her last wish however was to send you this bottle of red leaves where she always kept as a treasure beside her.

I have also send her diary as I think it is best that you keep it with you. Wherever June maybe now, I think the person she loved most is you......take care]

Patches of wet spots landed on the letter. Tears just keep falling and falling without my control, no words can describe the sadness within me.

I wished that person was me instead, June does not deserved that kind of ending.......she is too young to leave her parents....and me. Why is the world so unfair?

I decided to give Rick a call to at least inform him about June’s death. We had agreed long time ago to forget about June’s case and became friends again.

“Rick?....this is Glen here, it’s about June”
“June ?? I thought she had left for States for months already? Why? What happened to her?”

At this point I couldn’t help it and I cried again.“June.....J..u..ne had...just passed away....”

“What????!!?!? what are you saying?? Are you sure????!!!!? oh well too bad then She didn’t want to be my girlfriend anyway so why should I care??”

The phone conversation ended within a minute. Rick wasn’t concern about June at all and she was lucky enough not to have go steadies with him.


Chapter 6
[The Diary]

After my tears had dried up, I flipped through the pages of her diary one by one. It was dated from 1/2/1994 to 2/2/1995, the first day of her new life after transferred school, the first time we met.

There were a lot of short daily messages except for a few dates when she really wrote her heart out.

[1/2/1994]
Today is the first day of the 11th secondary schools I have been so far for the past three years and I met this gentlemen who was really kind to allow me to board the bus and to my surprise, this guy is in my class !!hmm......life is always full surprises isn’t it? He’s name is Glen...nice name though and he was the first one in class to approach me and start talking. However I think I have really given him a big fright as I fainted in school again but this time is in a new school but he was the one who sent me to hospital...Dad was a big spoiler when he told him to stay away from me...*Sigh* when will I ever see him again?

(June)

[2/2/1994]
He called me today !!!! he said it was about school work but I don’t really think so ..hahahhah we took a walk in the park and I told him about my illness. He seems very concern about me but he seems also very deep because the things which he said I couldn’t understand a bit! What tree talks? Do tree ever talks? Is he a manic or lunatic ???hmm.....

(June)

[10/2/1994]
Today was a very sad day for me... as I have to select my partner for the Dinner & Dance on Valentine’s Day...Rick had asked me but I don’t really know about going with him but he seems very sincere though and Glen is not going to the D&D anyway, guess I have to go Rick

(June)

[14/2/1994]
Tonight I never went to the party, I didn’t want to go with Rick at all. Mother had told me not to fall in love with anyone and I’m suppose to reject anyone who express he’s feeling. What am I suppose to do? I always liked Glen....but I just couldn’t as I really didn’t know what will happen to me the very next day, will I live even? I have no choice but to reject Glen, somehow I got over it after crying..............all night..........

(June)

June always liked me?? What is this? Why is this happening?? I kept asking myself. The girl who I loved most also felt the same for me but why didn’t she accept me? She was afraid that she might die and let me suffer??? Oh God ........why you let this thing happen? Questions arouse as I kept flipping the pages... soon I was at the last page of the diary...

[XX/XX/XXXX]
Today the doctors came and put a lot tubes on my hands and nose, I’m feeling terrible.
I felt as if I’m gonna die soon, I really hope Glen is here to see me ....at least for the last time. If only what Glen said was true, that tree really talks.....I hope they can bring this message to him. It’s a dreadful thing when two lovers can’t be together.

Although what I’ve done to Glen was a bit selfish but it was for his own good. I think it’s better that he forget me as in the way I reject him than in the way of death ......................

I wonder what will happen to me tomorrow? Maybe after tonight, I will not wake up next morning, my headache are getting more more terrible.... if I ever had another chance, I would have still go for Glen, as I know that he’s the only one I loved......my last wish for him is that ......I wish he will not blame me for what I have done to him and remember me forever even if we are worlds apart.........

[June]


Chapter7
[The Ending]

“Wake up Glen !! It’s the first of your final year !! why do you always late for the first day???”
“ huh?..........arrgh.........not again!!! just hated it !!”

I woke up with two dark rings below my swollen eyes. It had been a year after receiving June’s parcel. I finally figure it out myself that all we had been through looks more like a dream than a reality.

I get up from my bed and rush to school. I took a walk to the park and towards the Red Tree (I have been doing it for a year now as I really hope to see June even I know it’s impossible).

There was a shadow from far under the tree, the shadow belong to a girl who was standing there for a long time I guess. I increase my pace hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl. Then came a struck of lightning within me, the girl looked like June !!!

“ June ?!?!? Why are you here?? I mean...where thought? Arrghgh.....” I really didn’t know what to say to her..

“ Hmm.......you must be Glen I guess, don’t be afraid I’m June’s sister Joan. She never tell you anything about me? Oh well, guess all the time I’m in US and she’s here. Nobody really knows”

“ June’s sister?? Huh????!?! you must be joking right???” I said as I get hold of her hand.

“ Hey STOP that !! Who do you think I am? I’m Joan NOT June..She’s DEAD ok?”
“ oh....I’m really sorry, I guess I miss her very much really sorry” letting go her hand.
“ I heard about you from my sister, about this Red Tree where you and her been and a lot of others I think you really loved my sister. ”

She bended down to the soil near the roots of the tree and begin to dig with her hands. Although I didn’t know what she was doing, I offer my help. After digging a small hole,

she took a necklace out from her pocket and placed it inside the soil.

“ Rest in peace Sis, may you be bless from God.................”

I just stand there aimlessly as my pager started to beep.
I look at my watch and it is 9.45 already!! The presentation is going to begin in fifteen minutes.

“ Ok Joan, I guess I have to rush for school now..so where are you going? Maybe I can give you a lift”

Finally I get to drive to school after passing my driving test during the holidays.

“ Yeah me too, it’s my first day in a polytechnic and I guess it’s not wise to be late”“ So ..where are you going ?”

“ eh... Please send me to Temasek Poly if you are on the way”“ What?? You studied there?

Hmm...... seems like we will be seeing each other more often now”

As the car go, it marked the start the beginning of a wonderful relationship. Whether this time it’s friendship or a relationship, Glen knows that he will not let Joan go. They became great friends and as times passes by, they fall in love and start a relationship.

Glen treated Joan as herself and not a replacement for her sister. As for the Red tree, it’s still standing there in the park. People walked past it everyday without realizing it’s existence. However when evening came, there will be a young couple sitting below it.

They still bear the hope of seeing June at the Red tree. They know it’s impossible but it is this hope which keep them going through their whole life......

for this Red tree marked the wonderful love story between a guy call Glen and a girl call June..............................................

one day, they hope......that this Red tree will tell them where is June .

[The End..]

[ Hatred ]

It didn't occurs to me the feeling of hatred will revolves me once again after so long. I use to hate everybody. People who are better than me, people who are worse than me.. people whom I have no concern with.. practically everybody.

I've forgotten when I've developed with this kind of hate towards all living things. I guess I just want people to hate me in return. This gives me a sense of feeling of loneliness, the feeling of being alone. The sense of self-discovery I should say..

Everyone always say you need the support of people around you.. but deep down in actually fact, you yourself have to be strong because help doesn't come that often as you required. I don't need anyone, any friends, family members.. at the end of the day.. all that matters is that I have myelf..

Its this kind of attitude problem that I don't give a damn towards this whole world.. rather be a selfish grouch than a helpful soul who everyone abuse whenever there's a chance..

Alas... Hate is a feeling which will make you strong.. Loves only makes you weak..

Anntonii Lim

[Failure... a second time?]

Technically 9 hrs from now, I will facing something which had haunt me for the last 2 years. Something which has shattered my confidence, something which made me believe I am a failure. Something which some of us would not want to face it in our lifes.

Yes.. I would be sitting for a subject which I've failed in the first time of my miserable route towards higher learning.

People might argue that resitting of an exam is part & parcel of education life. But you have to ask yourself, this is something which you've failed before. Can you do it again? ensuring there won't be a second failure? Only time & effort would tell I suppose.

There is a certain mental doubt deep inside me which ignites the fear towards this examination. I have to admit well, I'm at least better prepared than the previous attempt but its more of a physcological thingy which is ringing in my brain..

People asked me how many subjects I've taken and passed? 15 subjects.. including my Final year project. A whole 15 of them and I've only failed this subejct of Instrumentation Electronics. What's so difficult about this which other subjects can't hold a candle with?

I won't have an answer for that.. because this is definitely not the hardest subject I've ever studied..

29hrs later, I will be facing my final lap in this tiring 2 & 1/2 yrs race towards my completion of my Bachelor in Mechatronics Engineering. Fruits of labour shall be seen in due's time and I will be waiting.

It won't be like the last time when I almost left the entire examination sheet blank. For now, I vowed never to give up without giving it a fight tomorrow. There is a burning desire to "beat" that bloodly paper up and show him who's the boss in the ring..

Till then, its back to the drawing board.. as the old folks always says...

8th Sep 2004

Anntonii Lim

[ Hi.. My Name is... Anntonii ]

I guess its a little strange writing a blog regarding the origins of my name. If you ask me, I would have forgotten the whole story, only knowing back in 1994 where I worked as a Sales Promoter in Metro Marina... People ask me what's my chirstian name? Oh well.. it was "Anthony" then.

I always thought "Anthony" looks girly, or maybe should I put it that its one of the overly used names which people comes up when they look at a newborn.

There were many versions of my name.. which began as "Antoni". This is simply an italian spelling which sometimes spelled as "Antonie" Now Now.. doesn't it look girly to you?

then I tried with Antonii, then Anntoni, then finally Anntonii.

[Anntonii] looks just nice with the letters nicely seperated among the Ns & Is. So if you asked me, I would to believe its a Italian Hybrid name.

People just can't get my name spelled correctly.. its a shame sometimes my own boss gets it wrong too. I'm very particular with names, as it associates with WHO you are, so I always tried not to get people's name spelled wrongly.

There will always be a small group of nolifers who always think they can crack a joke on prounoncing my name.

Some called me "Annt-Ton-Nii"

Some called me "Annt-Ton-Nine"

Others simply give up and call me "Annt"

I would be happier enough that you don't try so hard..

If there's one thing I tell people about my name.. is that they may know hundreds of Anthony in their lifes.. but there shall be only one "Anntonii", unless somewhere in this world there's another majestic talented young chap living in the southen suburbs of Italy.

I've got this name in my namecard.., my student ID.. my Empolyment pass.. all except my ID.. which I also forgotten how much it cost to insert another name.

Guess I no need to go into that extend.. for now..

Cheerz,

Anntonii also means Antoni N Irene but it was really meant to be forgotten..

[ My Character ]

Every one of us will have different character, something which makes us having distinct attractions or rejections from fellow peers, friends or even opposite sex. Often character is being used to understatement certain thoughts, actions & reactions. Your character makes you special, even though people are saying you are the pettiest person they’ve ever met. Your jealousy may kill a thousand cats but one thing you can be certain. You are bound to be remembered for who you are, based on your character.

People who claims to know me well enough often relates “Attitude Problem” with me. I wonder whether it’s the ‘A’ thing which runs through my name but I don’t doubt it. I do have attitude problems and yes I’m proactive in displaying my unhappiness towards people, things, issue or concern.

‘Whining’ could be another word to use but ‘Attitude Problem’ is certainly more manly & I don’t give a shit whether you like it or not!

Nobody knows me well.. or maybe I would say they won’t believe me if one day I would to tell them that I’ve complex inferior, split personality & a very low self esteem. I never like myself in anyway, despite people telling me how talented or creative I am.

Talent is 1% born & 99% hard work. Anyone can train hard enough to be creative or talented.. The difference is only the duration of time taken. ‘Looks’ are born with and will certainly grow with you throughout your life. Something which artificially will make you looked more stupid if you dare to try.

I will trade any good points of me, (if I can think of any) just to become good looking. Not to ply my trade in the showbiz and be a victim or the paparazzi but would love to see myself in a gigantic poster hanging over orchard road.

There might be people thinking how crazy or how unrealistic I am trying to give up everything just to become good looking. I would believe these people did not grow up suffering from brutally heart piercing comments about how fat or ugly you are. Times when even your closest friends would shun you, uninvited you when they go out with a group of females just because they feel you weren’t “fit”.

Times when your photo were “removed” from our group’s photo just because they feel I was causing more damaged to the picture than their “cuts”. I don’t blame them as much, because they were right. I simply don’t fit. My heart is isolated from the past abuse which for the only reason that females talk to me.. is to pass a message to my friends to tell him she is interested in knowing him.

I treasure friendship a lot, but at the same time I’m always happier alone. Just so that I won’t look at how people looked at me. Optimists always tell me our body is merely a shell.. its only the good of hearts that makes a person. Tell it to them whether do them, wash their clothes, clean their cars, outside of their house when external is merely a “shell”?

“Life will always be like that, & curse that group of prehistorically people who started to define Fat equals Ugly.”

Anntonii Lim

18th August 2004

[Friendship & Growing up]

Every minute of the clock tickle as the world around us revolves. Without realize how long it has been, we are gradually moving as we grow up. Sometimes you may look back the days of being a child whose responsibility is only to listen to whatever daddy & mummy says. You wonder... Whatever happened to you throughout these 20 over years?

How much can we remember about our childhood?

I reckon we all have absolutely no idea what happened to us before the age of 3 or 4. Maybe the function of the brain during the time was merely for execution purpose like standing, trying to walk straight, trying to talk.

[Kindergarten]

Our learning curve begins when we all go to nursery or most of us would refer to “kindergarten”. For the dialect brought ups, the first English word that we will encounter would obviously be “A for Apple”. We get to learn to draw more humanlike figures that sometimes look lopsided.

Then we will get to know kids from the same neighborhood who sometimes shared the same hobbies, watching the same cartoons. You feel comfortable when they are around as you always find many things to talk about. You might feel moody if you realize that they are sick or absent. Without realizing it, some of us have already made our first friends.

[Primary School]

Bidding farewell to kindergarten comes life in primary school. Equipped with the friends making skills, we continue to get to know more people. There are more things to learn in primary school with Maths & Science getting into the picture. We would always remember names that grew with us.. “Ali, Bala, Sumei,” that is found in all our textbooks.

Primary school would also be a time that we all get involve in an ECA.. like sports, uniform groups and other groups that brings people of common interest together. The streaming at the end of primary 3 is the first time that most of us would come face to face with our first “stress” & “competition” on the results.

Without realizing it, 6 years had passed and at the end of primary 6.. all of us will be split to other secondary schools. Autograph books are passed around to write sweet friendship notes.. and contact numbers. Girls will always cry at the last day of class and the day we all get to know our next schools.

[Secondary School]

The world is weird at the age of 13, as most of us would wonder how come girls are getting taller. Maybe it’s this reason that brought our attention that life is not just about friendship as we are attracted to female species. (I’m sorry for those in boy’s school.)

There will be a whole new world as we seek and discover within. There’s no Enid Blyton or Roald Dahl in Secondary school and you would be laughed at if you put them as your favorite author list. Magazine is in, story books are out in Secondary school. Teens & Teenage are the 2 most popular reading items in secondary school and most of us would tends to focus on parts where dedications are made.. whether are there any for us..

Friends come a great deal as we advances. Influence is the most significant prove of friendship as if my friend carries this brand of bags, we would all buy the same brand.
Most of us would record our first crush/love/kiss as we continue our path towards the discovery of the opposite sex. Of course, there will be times when the value of friendship might be tested if 2 friends are similarly attracted to a particular girl.

Alas, O levels ended and once again we are split from the group of “brothers” & “sisters” whom we openly affiliate with. And yes, by the time we leave secondary school, most of us would be obviously taller than the females.. and understands why sometimes girls behave strangely at certain days of a month.

[Polytechnic]

If Primary & Secondary School is a place of friendship & relationship discovery, poly life would be one for self-discovery. The rules of education bond are relaxed and bye bye to the “discipline master” we would love to kill.

Poly times would be a time where some of us would ask ourselves what we really want to do in life. Of course, we will still have friends whom we would copy tutorials and females whom we go clubbing with.

We would realize that friendship really comes physically as there are life in cyberspace. Friends are made without seeing one another and deep down. Everyone is hoping the opposite is as handsome/pretty as she/he hopes. Then again, disaster do happens when people meet for the first time.


[Present Time]

We forward all the time to present time. Some of us may be working; some of us may be in NS. If we all look back to the times we had in the past, we may wonder how many friends we have actually had from then till now? Hundreds? Thousands?

How many of them have you last seen, contact?

I’m not perfect myself.. as sometimes I may see someone whom I used to know.. maybe an acquaintance from secondary school. I never really walk up and acknowledge him/her. I wonder it’s the culture or society that makes our life more egoistic or attitude. Or is it I’m too shy.

It’s ironic that some of us sometimes complain that we have no friends when we all grow up by making friends. I once did a rather simple experiment.. as I sat in the middle of orchard, people flooded across me.. Then I realize someone has call out my name.. “Arghh. A long lost friend..” I tell myself how nice as we started the “so how’s life” & “I’m fine, please take care” conversation. The discovery of old friendship lasted merely a minute before we parted our ways.

The strangest thing was.. none of us had initiated an exchange of contact numbers. The new founded friendship is once again lost in the mist of crowds, waiting for the day to be rediscovered again.

Some people said Friendship is made throughout our life as we know new people and made friends with them.

Deep down I believed that friends are found rather than made.. Friendship is discovered, lost and rediscovered as time passes. It’s sad sometimes, but that’s the way of life.. you have to lose something before you realize how important it is without it…

I’m sure you will never forget this phrase, just as you will never forget who your friends are…

“Birds fly high, hard to catch. Friends like you, hard to get..”

Anntonii Lim

14th August, 2004

[My Primary School]

The life in primary school is all about friendship, having the same group of people doing almost the same thing everyday. Study wasn't really a pressure as there were fewer subjects and easier topic than now.

Primary school life is all about discovery, about the meaning of being number 1 in class, being the teacher's pet and being the everybody's favourite friend...

[Friends]
When we were young.. there wasn't any christian names to remember, all were in simple chinese hanyu pinying. I had quite a few good friends whom I still meet up often.. Years have passed through our life and many things have happened.. Thats why it feels kinda strange to meet up as we were only talking about "the good old days".

I do treasure our friendship as they the ones which leaves me an impression of how I was when I was in Primary School.. incidents where I make people cried, where I hid my classmate's pad and she was so panicked...

[Study]
I was never the first in class.. as the first in class was always also the first in school...
I was never second.. no matter how hard I've tried..
I was always third... being miles apart from the 1st two. Though I had a whole list of people behind me, I hated the feeling of competition.. why must people compete? Maybe I was afraid of losing out.. or maybe I had lost out twice in Primary 4 & 5..

I began to lost the feeling of study.. I just feel that maybe if I study less, I might end up happier..
My grades dropped & I wasn't even in the top 20 anymore.. Finally my pressures were gone.. no one bother to ask about my grades anymore..

I began to mix with more complicated people around my neighbourhood.. end up being caught by the police for playing poker cards at voiddeck.. We were really young then.. so he wasn't really gonna lock us up.. merely took away our cards and ask us to go home....

I ran & ran.. and cried as I ran home... what was I doing? playing cards & marbles at the eve of my PSLE exams.. is it too late to turn back and study better?
It is always never too late to turn around.. ask many people would say.. and yes.. I did passed my PSLE.. but never really did to my teacher's expectation of me..

The only good thing that happen was.. many of my friends went to the same school with me..

[Anntonii's AutoBiography]

[In the Beginning]

I was born in the mist close to midnight on Nov 22nd 1978...around 10.31pm, which basically makes me a half scropio & sagittarus according to different calenders.
I grow up in a close knitted family, living with apart with my parents, my 2 uncles, 1 aunt & my grandparents.

Being the only child in the family, I was quite spoilt by my uncles & grandparents as they would try their best to make me happy.

[My Kindergarden Days]

Being brought up in a dialect speaking family, I know nuts about English and my first english word is almost same with everyone else.. "A for Apple"...
During my kindergarden days, I was kinda talkative in class and would always be "punished" for
not doing my work.

My first drawing of a person.. remains a mystery till today on why I colored his face black...
I don't remember any of my kindergarden classmates anymore even if I would to see them in the same bus..

I remembered asking my mum a question.. "Do Trees talk?"
"I suppose trees talk by moving their branches..." Trees are afterall a living thing like us, shouldn't they talk to each other? shouldn't they make friends like us? Questions like these would lead to no answers I suppose.. but this remains a interesting of my childhood...

Anntonii

Was wondering what to write in my blog lately....
Who's going to read about what i wrote? [Nobody I suppose]
What's there to write about? [My life's never been satisfying anyway..]

Well, and so I suppose that [Nobody reads] my blog and [my life's sux] so far...
so might as well write something about my life...

So as to keep some of my memories inside this little cyberspace...

[- True Love -]

True love comes straight from the heart not the mind. It starts with a simple meeting with two people, from the first conversation comes the mutual respect. Soon, without realizing it, there’s a feeling of likeness in the air. From likeness, it gradually grows to love. But true love does not end here.
From love, there’s commitment. The feeling stop you from starting any other possible cases of likeness with other people. The same feeling which get you back to the same person whom you have been sharing your life with.
Many people never went to the stage of commitment, only to blame themselves later for never experiencing true love. If loving is easy, living your hectic life would be easier.
Stories of love are being shared among us everyday, yet there aren’t many of which we can remember. A love story comes from your own experience, not something that you’ve heard or seen. If there is one love story that you can ever remember in your life, it would be something that you had gone through..
True love is a gift. Though finding it may be hard, keeping it is harder than anyone can imagine. We struggle through all our life in search of it, yet when we find it, it just disappear. Just like sand sipping your hands, never to return again.
True love means happiness for your partner even if it means sufferings for you. As much as we would want to deny it, we do sacrifice for love. A simple give in during a heated argument can prevent harsh words being used and breaking of hearts. So next time when you think your partner is unreasonable, think again. You could make he/she less annoyed by giving in just this once. You may give in many, many times in your relationship but at least you know its worth the effort when the storm is over.
True love will be tested one day, only then the declaration for one another is truthful. Temptations will always be there, there will always be someone nicer, younger or more beautiful than your current one. Only will that day tell your truthfulness towards your heart and your soul.
The pureness of True Love is one thing that keeps people going, throughout their life. The simplest things that you do for her will get happiness in return. One sad thing about the pureness of True Love is the existence of temptation. Whether is it materialism or lust, people always find themselves stuck in a situation and therefore love died down in time…
As far as I can see, we all yearn for that simple undying love that rumors to exist. Its out there somewhere, clouded by the deceiving facts of life and overshadowed by the logical mindset of humans.
True Love exists deep down our hearts…

Weather seems to affect one's mood.

Today's gloomy weather has once again slacken quite a few of our minds as we dragged through the long day ahead. Not long ago, we were complaining about how hot the weather is these days.. and now we are complaining about the rain..
When will we be ever satisfied with what we have given?

You don't need to watch "The day after tomorrow" to know our Earth is dying..
But it won't happen in your lifetime.. so why bothers..
This seems to be the answer on everyone's lips.

Whatever it is.. Earth will still die one day.. but hopefully not today...

Anntonii

A brand new day in life means a new beginning..
yesterday's achievements will be remembered,
yesterday's arguement will be forgotten.
tomorrow's success will be based on today
tomorrow's problems will also be determined on today.

The choronics of life will move on, nothing has changed from the past..
maybe except our age as time passes.. and our thoughts...

Anntonii

- Rejection from her -

- Towards the Infinite Sadness of life –

The world never seems to stop turning, time never seems to take notice on someone who’s struggling through life. Bearing each day with the hopes of being reached by the one he loved, the one he used to care for so much.. How he find life so meaningless and lonely now as he begins each day wondering how would it be if he had done the right thing? The people who used to stand by him weren’t there anymore as he continues his journey to the undiscovered path of life. He falls easily, finding it hard to get up…for he’s alone now…
As he slowly pick himself up upon his feet, time never waits, passing every minute with uncertainty that he will end the same day without being tortured by fate. The self belief and his confidence are all gone now….
Finally he told himself not to care for anyone else again, for he knows no matter how much he cared , no one will be there for him again…. as he head towards the infinite sadness of life…...


- Towards the Path of Infinite Sadness and Mental Destruction of Life -


“Everything aren’t the same without the presence of you….”


Life is not about achievements but the efforts towards success. Many people give up after failures but they never look back to their mistakes. If Love is easy, people would abuse its presence and soon, it will just fade away. Sadness is only used an excuse to be left alone. Loneliness is the beginning of self-discovery as you begin to understand more and more of yourself. No one in this world will fully understand you except yourself, accept the way life is being unfolded and indeed life will be fruitful after all.
Believing may just be one of the most powerful words that man had ever created. Believe in your heart when your mind starts to wonder, believe in yourself when you have non to ponder.
Love is the affectionate feelings develop by 2 mutual parties over time, memories, feelings and experience unify as one. Believe in love and you will be given the greatest gift of all… love in return…..

- Rejection from him -

- Memories of a Distant Path -

You expressed your thoughts, he treats it like a big surprise that hits him hard and tries to ignore the fact that you had always liked him. He finds tons and tons of excuses to avoid the start of the topic that he knew it would be pointless. You felt down, cried at times knowing that life was at your lowest at this point. You felt as if the world begins to turn their backs on you. You used to remember, he was the one whom you needed when you were in doubt, he was the one who pull you up when you’re down. These images may not happened again. Now you asked yourself “ Is there anything wrong in telling the person you like that you like him? “ why must it always happen to you… why can’t you be with the one you loved most.
The time is way past midnight, you find that sleeping isn’t that easy anymore, tossing and turning on your bed is getting frustrating. You try to get up, sit back and think of the past relationships you had. Some were meaningful, some were tragic, but in all of them, you had always put your true feelings and treasure each and every moment.
You try to work, hoping that you won’t think of him that often.. But then again, the more you don’t want to think of him, the more of his images appeared in front of your mind. You then took up drinking, trying every means and ways to immune yourself but every morning all you’ll get is hangover and make your life worse.
You finally asked yourself “ is it worth it? to feel so miserable for him? ‘


[The End]


Life is always full of ups and downs, there’s no person without problems in their life. Life is not about what you gain or what you lose, it’s about what you had done and what you had not. In time to come, he will always remember you as a person who likes him and not just a friend, we all lives in memories every now and then. Reality is cruel, everything you hope for will not happen in reality but it’s the memories that count. One day, after he had live long enough to look back to the past life he had, happy, sad moments will only be a past, a past which you had thrive so hard to reach. Although no one once will remember how much you once love him, how many things you did and prepare to do for him, I’m sure he will always remember you, just like you would remember him too…
Memories, is what you need and have now. Treasure it.

[ Paper of Love ]

It started with a blank hard cover paper, fold it into halves, adding colors & designs to it. Then, words of sincere greetings filled this insignificant paper. Each word, though looks unaligned to the paper is written with much cautious. Finally, the card is ready to be sent out, not forgetting the stamps to go along.

You will never forget the feeling when you receive a greeting card would you? The amazing feeling grows deep down from your veins, stirred through your heart causing it to pump harder. You will feel happy no less, especially if it’s your birthday card. Somebody remembers your birthday, that’s not the point. The point is somebody is spending effort to send you a birthday card.

Now think back a second, when was the last time that somebody send you a birthday card through snail mail? If you tell me you are 26 years old and it was last year or the year before, I would have congrats you for having such wonderful friends.

For me, I can’t even remember when I received my last birthday card. Maybe 6-7 years ago? Who would have blame these people when the technology is so advanced nowadays? These days, I would be blessed if somebody bothers to send me a SMS with a dull looking sentence of “Happy Birthday to you. All the best in life” In some cases, you would expect to receive an E-Card with some funny animations & sound to celebrate an occasion.

Sometimes I wonder is it the Technology or have we really grow out of the traditional birthday card thingy. The latter should not be the case since Hallmark is making millions selling paper cards like these. Then are we been spoilt by the fact that SMSes & E-Cards are easier & more convenience? Whatever it is, I hope if you are able to read this. You would know all about SMSes greetings & E-Card. I hope you reconsider than trying to take the easier way out.

When was the last time you’ve ever write a letter / card?

Handwrite a greeting card or a letter today. Never mind your ugly unreadable handwriting which you think nobody in this world except yourself can read. I believe the receiver will be able to read your thoughts. And believe me, Thoughts counts more than words…

“Let this paper of love continues, as nothing is more sincere by doing it with effort.”

Anntonii Lim