Book of Love 爱神の书

Chapter 32

If you can erase one love chapter of your life, which one would it be?
Would it be the one that slither across your heart like a razor-sharp knife?
Or would it be the one chapter that you saw your beloved fall for your best friend?

As much as we want to remember all the memories that we’ve gone through, there will always be a dark hurting secret conceal within our hearts. Waiting... and waiting, till the day it came out to haunt us again.

If I can erase one love chapter of my life, maybe I would erase the earlier portion of my life when I fell into the depths of distress over my looks. Throughout my life, I’ve always tell myself that love is all about the physical attraction.

One of my crush ever told me in the face, “you have a very good character, you know how to make people laugh and happy, you are so talented and everything seems so nice about you but… I don’t really want to go out with you.”

You can really imagine what kind of mental torture that was to me. I was just another extremely over-weight, ugly nerd trying my best to find love and to be with the person whom I like.

Was it fate that made me this?
Was it the love from my parents who over fed me caused this?

Friends boycott me when they go out with group dates with fellow female classmates.

Seriously at the point of life, I really hate myself.
I hate being me.

Sometimes I wished that I could exchange all the ‘talents’ that I’ve discovered. My ability to write, to joke and create atmosphere, my ability to draw and my ability to sing just for being someone handsome one day. People adore you because your looks.

I guess there are many people who are like me who often asked this question.

“Is love really about physically attraction only?”

I was proven wrong twice in my life as those liked me as who I am and not how I looked liked. As I get older in life, I witness more cases which I didn’t think possible at the age of 16.

I sincerely hope that you will be proven wrong one day because this is what love is all about. How you looked like will get you love faster than others, who you really are will get you the love that last longer than others.

This is Love, who you are, is after all more important than anything else.

Two weeks had passed since the day when Mark read through the Book of love. His journey came to a halt after he reached Chapter 11 where he rekindled the wonderful memories of Jade and her sufferings.

Mark woke up and led his life in guilt and almost lost his sense of direction literally. The last two weeks were merely home to work and back to home.

Work perhaps was the only source of meaning in his life now. His boss had employed two new staff to his department.

“Mark, Shaun. These two are new here and will be joining our team with immediate effect. They are Jervoise and Faith.”

“Welcome to the team!”
Mark shook their hands warmly.

Being a senior, he was in charge of training them effectively. Shaun had help but the two of them were no longer as close to one another.

It was a long day when he finally reached home.

Mark saw an envelop on his table as he entered his room. He picked up and tore open without hestitation.

A pink colored paper reveals itself from the envelop as Mark sat by his bed.

“Hello Markie Dear!

How are you?
I don’t suppose you will be good since I’m no longer by your side.

How many years have I been gone already?
Three years? Four or Five?

Don’t be afraid, I’m not a ghost or something. I wrote this letter many years ago when I came to know about my illness and sent to a friend. I’ve told her to only send out this letter in the month of my birthday in 2007.

I don’t know when I will be gone but the doctors already told me everything about my illness. They are not very optimistic about it.

If you are not sad over me then I will be angry with you. But if you are really sad, three years is considered well enough for me already.

If you are currently living a good life with a good relationship then I will have no regrets. What I fear most is that you are still living in my shadows, Mark.

Live your life, Mark.

Remember me as part of your memories but not part of your life. You have to find your own life.

Treat the girl like how you’ve treated me and I will be happy for the both of you. I’m really grateful to God for the moments that we’ve met till the day we went steady.

I will pray for you, my dear.

I love you.

Jade.”

The feeling of lost was filled with content.
Mark was surprised that he didn’t shed a tear this time. He only felt the feeling of warmness that ran across his body.

It was the feeling of relieved and he didn’t felt so free since the day Jade died. The memories seem a little vague as more experience of life creeps in.

Mark kept the letter back to the envelop and walked over to his door. He took out the picture which was hanging behind his door.

The picture of their memories together.

He took the picture together the envelop and kept them in a box filled with the journal and letters he wrote.

After safekeeping the box in his cabinet, Mark took out the book from his bag and started flipping again. There were still some pages after Chapter 11 and Mark began to develop the interest in finding out.

There were a few more chapters on the quick relationship that he tried to have after her death. Those fruitless and non-meaningful relationships that Mark had used to covered his loneliness. He was surprised that all these were recorded too.

Then he flipped to the last few pages.

“Chapter 15 - The person you loved the most.”

It is the game of fate that brought the two of you together. She caught you looking at her since the first day you’ve met.

Though only glances were exchanged throughout the two years, there was a feeling of closeness and familiarity between the two of you.

The first time that you tried to communicate with her ended up in a mess as you were accused of spying on her.

Maybe because of this incident that turned the events between the two of you. The ice was broken and the two of you began to cultivate the relationship.

It was through an accident that she began to know you more. You made efforts to take care of her and making sure that she was on her way to good health.

Despite bearing the same name, She is the person whom resembles your ex girlfriend the most in terms of her character and personality.
Through her, you felt as if you know yourself better.

Deep down you would have gone for her if not for the obstructed feeling of your previous relationship.

You knew it in yourself that you really loved this person.

Fate can only arrange your meeting, you have to express your love yourself and let destiny take its due course.”

There was a smile on his face as Mark closed the book.
He knew it all along, that he liked Jade during the two years of discovery.

As he prepares himself to sleep, he heard his hand phone ringing.

“Yeah?”

“Mark? It’s me Jade…”

“Oh Jade… how are you? Need anything?”
Mark sat up on his bed.

“I know it’s kinda late but just wondering if you could come out for a while. I really need someone to talk to.”
Mark could hear Jade’s voice becoming softer.

“Oh… well who says it’s late? In fact I’m so bore now that I don’t know what to do next… Thank goodness you call.”
Mark tried to soften the atmosphere a little.

“I’ll come to pick up you ok? Give you a ring when I reached...”

“Alright…”
Jade replied as she hung up.

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Mark arrived at her void deck nearing midnight. Jade was already sitting at the benches by herself.

“Wah…. How long have you been sitting here?”
Mark called out as he approaches.

Jade looked up with a faint smile.

“After I’ve call you?”

Mark sat down beside her.
“What happened?”

“Can we go to somewhere else?”

“You got anywhere in mind?”

“Mark, where would you go when you have lots of problem in your heart?”
Jade asked as she turned her head from him.

“Oh… I know this place… A friend brought me there not long ago. I think it’s not bad.”
Mark suggested.

------------------------------------

Mark parked his car somewhere near Clark quay as they approaches. Both of them walked to the railings and sat there while looking at the Singapore river.

Mark handed over some beer to Jade as he thought she might need them.

“Thanks… you really know me”
Jade smiled.

“So can you tell me what the problem is now? I mean I’m just worried about you.”

“I saw Don just now.”
Jade just whispered.

“Then did he hurt you or anything?”
Mark tried to search for any visible hurt.

“He told me… that he had regretted on the things that he had done. It was all a setup; he didn’t have an affair with another girl. He just wasn’t ready to get married.”

Mark looked on.

“Because he thinks that people would despise him because of his limp. So he tried to push away the wedding… tried to get me in giving up on him…When he realized that he had caused my miscarriage, he felt as it he was crucified by guilt.”
Jade let out a sigh as he looked at the night sky.

“You still loved him?”
Mark could only ask this question at this point of time.

“Deep down I knew you would ask me this question. I tried to ask myself that... but all I get is confusion and misconception. I really don’t know…”
Jade replied as she sips her beer.

“Follow your heart right?”
Mark toasted his beer with hers.

“Oh Mark… you are such a wonderful guy. Sometimes I wish that you were the guy in my life instead.”

“But Don is irreplaceable in your heart right?”

Jade didn’t reply. Both of them just looked up into the sky.

“Look at the Orion’s belt. It’s beaming bright tonight.”
Mark pointed into the direction of the stars above.

Jade stood up and looked at the stars.

“You know how long it took those stars to be together?”
Mark asked Jade as she shrugged.

“Millions of years maybe? But in the end they are together right? Time will change everything right?”

Jade just smiled back and look at the sky again.

“Jade, I have to tell you something.”

Jade turned and looked at him.

“Jade…. I…..I like you…”

Their eyes locked in serenity.

“Mark… not this joke now..?”
Jade wasn’t convinced.

“Look… I’m really serious. I like you; you are the one whom I loved the most at this moment.”
“Why do you have to tell me now?”

“Because I have to… let you know”

Both of them didn’t utter a word to each other for awhile.

“I ought to be going…”
Jade finally spoke.

“Ok, I’ll send you back.”

The journey home was all quiet inside his car. The atmosphere was all moody as both of them didn’t speak a single word to each other.

“Hey… Thanks for the ride and the company…”
Jade thanked Mark as she got off his car.

“Sure… no problem… anytime?”

“And Mark… maybe you are right…. Though some things are irreplaceable, time may just change everything.”

Mark reached home close to 3am.
He was physically tired but he didn’t have the urge to sleep yet.

Mark took out the Book of Love and flip to the page after he had stopped. As he turned, the title was something that he wondered all along…

“Chapter 16 - The person that loved you the most.”

[To be Cont - Ending on Next Chapter ]