[ My Character ]

Every one of us will have different character, something which makes us having distinct attractions or rejections from fellow peers, friends or even opposite sex. Often character is being used to understatement certain thoughts, actions & reactions. Your character makes you special, even though people are saying you are the pettiest person they’ve ever met. Your jealousy may kill a thousand cats but one thing you can be certain. You are bound to be remembered for who you are, based on your character.

People who claims to know me well enough often relates “Attitude Problem” with me. I wonder whether it’s the ‘A’ thing which runs through my name but I don’t doubt it. I do have attitude problems and yes I’m proactive in displaying my unhappiness towards people, things, issue or concern.

‘Whining’ could be another word to use but ‘Attitude Problem’ is certainly more manly & I don’t give a shit whether you like it or not!

Nobody knows me well.. or maybe I would say they won’t believe me if one day I would to tell them that I’ve complex inferior, split personality & a very low self esteem. I never like myself in anyway, despite people telling me how talented or creative I am.

Talent is 1% born & 99% hard work. Anyone can train hard enough to be creative or talented.. The difference is only the duration of time taken. ‘Looks’ are born with and will certainly grow with you throughout your life. Something which artificially will make you looked more stupid if you dare to try.

I will trade any good points of me, (if I can think of any) just to become good looking. Not to ply my trade in the showbiz and be a victim or the paparazzi but would love to see myself in a gigantic poster hanging over orchard road.

There might be people thinking how crazy or how unrealistic I am trying to give up everything just to become good looking. I would believe these people did not grow up suffering from brutally heart piercing comments about how fat or ugly you are. Times when even your closest friends would shun you, uninvited you when they go out with a group of females just because they feel you weren’t “fit”.

Times when your photo were “removed” from our group’s photo just because they feel I was causing more damaged to the picture than their “cuts”. I don’t blame them as much, because they were right. I simply don’t fit. My heart is isolated from the past abuse which for the only reason that females talk to me.. is to pass a message to my friends to tell him she is interested in knowing him.

I treasure friendship a lot, but at the same time I’m always happier alone. Just so that I won’t look at how people looked at me. Optimists always tell me our body is merely a shell.. its only the good of hearts that makes a person. Tell it to them whether do them, wash their clothes, clean their cars, outside of their house when external is merely a “shell”?

“Life will always be like that, & curse that group of prehistorically people who started to define Fat equals Ugly.”

Anntonii Lim

18th August 2004

[Friendship & Growing up]

Every minute of the clock tickle as the world around us revolves. Without realize how long it has been, we are gradually moving as we grow up. Sometimes you may look back the days of being a child whose responsibility is only to listen to whatever daddy & mummy says. You wonder... Whatever happened to you throughout these 20 over years?

How much can we remember about our childhood?

I reckon we all have absolutely no idea what happened to us before the age of 3 or 4. Maybe the function of the brain during the time was merely for execution purpose like standing, trying to walk straight, trying to talk.

[Kindergarten]

Our learning curve begins when we all go to nursery or most of us would refer to “kindergarten”. For the dialect brought ups, the first English word that we will encounter would obviously be “A for Apple”. We get to learn to draw more humanlike figures that sometimes look lopsided.

Then we will get to know kids from the same neighborhood who sometimes shared the same hobbies, watching the same cartoons. You feel comfortable when they are around as you always find many things to talk about. You might feel moody if you realize that they are sick or absent. Without realizing it, some of us have already made our first friends.

[Primary School]

Bidding farewell to kindergarten comes life in primary school. Equipped with the friends making skills, we continue to get to know more people. There are more things to learn in primary school with Maths & Science getting into the picture. We would always remember names that grew with us.. “Ali, Bala, Sumei,” that is found in all our textbooks.

Primary school would also be a time that we all get involve in an ECA.. like sports, uniform groups and other groups that brings people of common interest together. The streaming at the end of primary 3 is the first time that most of us would come face to face with our first “stress” & “competition” on the results.

Without realizing it, 6 years had passed and at the end of primary 6.. all of us will be split to other secondary schools. Autograph books are passed around to write sweet friendship notes.. and contact numbers. Girls will always cry at the last day of class and the day we all get to know our next schools.

[Secondary School]

The world is weird at the age of 13, as most of us would wonder how come girls are getting taller. Maybe it’s this reason that brought our attention that life is not just about friendship as we are attracted to female species. (I’m sorry for those in boy’s school.)

There will be a whole new world as we seek and discover within. There’s no Enid Blyton or Roald Dahl in Secondary school and you would be laughed at if you put them as your favorite author list. Magazine is in, story books are out in Secondary school. Teens & Teenage are the 2 most popular reading items in secondary school and most of us would tends to focus on parts where dedications are made.. whether are there any for us..

Friends come a great deal as we advances. Influence is the most significant prove of friendship as if my friend carries this brand of bags, we would all buy the same brand.
Most of us would record our first crush/love/kiss as we continue our path towards the discovery of the opposite sex. Of course, there will be times when the value of friendship might be tested if 2 friends are similarly attracted to a particular girl.

Alas, O levels ended and once again we are split from the group of “brothers” & “sisters” whom we openly affiliate with. And yes, by the time we leave secondary school, most of us would be obviously taller than the females.. and understands why sometimes girls behave strangely at certain days of a month.

[Polytechnic]

If Primary & Secondary School is a place of friendship & relationship discovery, poly life would be one for self-discovery. The rules of education bond are relaxed and bye bye to the “discipline master” we would love to kill.

Poly times would be a time where some of us would ask ourselves what we really want to do in life. Of course, we will still have friends whom we would copy tutorials and females whom we go clubbing with.

We would realize that friendship really comes physically as there are life in cyberspace. Friends are made without seeing one another and deep down. Everyone is hoping the opposite is as handsome/pretty as she/he hopes. Then again, disaster do happens when people meet for the first time.


[Present Time]

We forward all the time to present time. Some of us may be working; some of us may be in NS. If we all look back to the times we had in the past, we may wonder how many friends we have actually had from then till now? Hundreds? Thousands?

How many of them have you last seen, contact?

I’m not perfect myself.. as sometimes I may see someone whom I used to know.. maybe an acquaintance from secondary school. I never really walk up and acknowledge him/her. I wonder it’s the culture or society that makes our life more egoistic or attitude. Or is it I’m too shy.

It’s ironic that some of us sometimes complain that we have no friends when we all grow up by making friends. I once did a rather simple experiment.. as I sat in the middle of orchard, people flooded across me.. Then I realize someone has call out my name.. “Arghh. A long lost friend..” I tell myself how nice as we started the “so how’s life” & “I’m fine, please take care” conversation. The discovery of old friendship lasted merely a minute before we parted our ways.

The strangest thing was.. none of us had initiated an exchange of contact numbers. The new founded friendship is once again lost in the mist of crowds, waiting for the day to be rediscovered again.

Some people said Friendship is made throughout our life as we know new people and made friends with them.

Deep down I believed that friends are found rather than made.. Friendship is discovered, lost and rediscovered as time passes. It’s sad sometimes, but that’s the way of life.. you have to lose something before you realize how important it is without it…

I’m sure you will never forget this phrase, just as you will never forget who your friends are…

“Birds fly high, hard to catch. Friends like you, hard to get..”

Anntonii Lim

14th August, 2004

[My Primary School]

The life in primary school is all about friendship, having the same group of people doing almost the same thing everyday. Study wasn't really a pressure as there were fewer subjects and easier topic than now.

Primary school life is all about discovery, about the meaning of being number 1 in class, being the teacher's pet and being the everybody's favourite friend...

[Friends]
When we were young.. there wasn't any christian names to remember, all were in simple chinese hanyu pinying. I had quite a few good friends whom I still meet up often.. Years have passed through our life and many things have happened.. Thats why it feels kinda strange to meet up as we were only talking about "the good old days".

I do treasure our friendship as they the ones which leaves me an impression of how I was when I was in Primary School.. incidents where I make people cried, where I hid my classmate's pad and she was so panicked...

[Study]
I was never the first in class.. as the first in class was always also the first in school...
I was never second.. no matter how hard I've tried..
I was always third... being miles apart from the 1st two. Though I had a whole list of people behind me, I hated the feeling of competition.. why must people compete? Maybe I was afraid of losing out.. or maybe I had lost out twice in Primary 4 & 5..

I began to lost the feeling of study.. I just feel that maybe if I study less, I might end up happier..
My grades dropped & I wasn't even in the top 20 anymore.. Finally my pressures were gone.. no one bother to ask about my grades anymore..

I began to mix with more complicated people around my neighbourhood.. end up being caught by the police for playing poker cards at voiddeck.. We were really young then.. so he wasn't really gonna lock us up.. merely took away our cards and ask us to go home....

I ran & ran.. and cried as I ran home... what was I doing? playing cards & marbles at the eve of my PSLE exams.. is it too late to turn back and study better?
It is always never too late to turn around.. ask many people would say.. and yes.. I did passed my PSLE.. but never really did to my teacher's expectation of me..

The only good thing that happen was.. many of my friends went to the same school with me..

[Anntonii's AutoBiography]

[In the Beginning]

I was born in the mist close to midnight on Nov 22nd 1978...around 10.31pm, which basically makes me a half scropio & sagittarus according to different calenders.
I grow up in a close knitted family, living with apart with my parents, my 2 uncles, 1 aunt & my grandparents.

Being the only child in the family, I was quite spoilt by my uncles & grandparents as they would try their best to make me happy.

[My Kindergarden Days]

Being brought up in a dialect speaking family, I know nuts about English and my first english word is almost same with everyone else.. "A for Apple"...
During my kindergarden days, I was kinda talkative in class and would always be "punished" for
not doing my work.

My first drawing of a person.. remains a mystery till today on why I colored his face black...
I don't remember any of my kindergarden classmates anymore even if I would to see them in the same bus..

I remembered asking my mum a question.. "Do Trees talk?"
"I suppose trees talk by moving their branches..." Trees are afterall a living thing like us, shouldn't they talk to each other? shouldn't they make friends like us? Questions like these would lead to no answers I suppose.. but this remains a interesting of my childhood...

Anntonii

Was wondering what to write in my blog lately....
Who's going to read about what i wrote? [Nobody I suppose]
What's there to write about? [My life's never been satisfying anyway..]

Well, and so I suppose that [Nobody reads] my blog and [my life's sux] so far...
so might as well write something about my life...

So as to keep some of my memories inside this little cyberspace...