Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密


Chapter 4


What would you do to gain the attention from people surrounding you?
Would you shout for attention or would you do something silly just to let everyone know you need their time and space.

There was once a story I’ve read on the net that tells the story of a workaholic father and his young son. The son would ask money from his father everyday and his father would give him all the spare change that he had left.

Every time the boy received the money, he would become very happy and hide in his room for a long period. After a while, his father became curious on his son’s intentions.

“Surely a young boy like him doesn’t need so much money. Is he hiding something from me?”

The father tried to check on the boy’s room but could not find the money that he had kept.
He had the final draw when the boy asked him for $5 one day.

“You don’t need $5, what do you want $5 for?”

His son just smiled at him and rose out his hand.

“How can you ask for so much money at such a young age! What is it that you are hiding? Don’t you know the value of money? Don’t you know how hard I’m working outside to earn the dollar?” The father finally couldn’t endure any longer and gave his son a tight slap on his cheeks.

The boy was shocked and ran back to his room crying.

Guilt ran over the father as he slowly opened the door to his son’s room. His son was hiding under his blanket as gentle cries could still be heard.

“I’m sorry son, I didn’t mean it… I’m just too frustrated at work. Here’s five dollars”
The father apologized and placed a five-dollar note on his bed.

The boy didn’t cried anymore as he happily picked up the note.
“Dad?”

“Yes son?”

“How much do you earn per day?”

“I earned a hundred a day. Why are you asking me this question?”
The father felt another rush of rage upon.

The boy smiled as he took out an old tin can and poured onto his bed.
Out from the tin can came out all the coins in varies value as the boy carefully did a final count.

With the five-dollar note in his hand, the boy let out a big smile.

“I have a hundred dollars with me Dad, can I employ you for a day so that you no need to go to work?”

The actual story could be more in depth or longer but I guess the meaning behind it is almost the same.

It’s unexplainable sometimes that we might do things that we might probably never do just to grab someone’s attention. It could be faking a tummy ache or flu just to feel the comfort that we received from the ones who cared.

Asking a person whether he or she needs a doctor doesn’t mean you cared although it’s a practical approach. If a person really needs a doctor, he or she would probably ask you to bring them.

It’s the little things that you do or say that show your concern and attention. A porridge cooked by you could be a better remedy than a doctor’s prescription sometimes.

“Jolynn?”

Adrian called out to her as she walked pass his class.

“Yeah? Oh it’s you, Adrian. What do you want?”

Jolynn was caught surprised by his calling.

“Hmmm… was wondering how is Janet recently?”

Adrian walked out from his class and walked with Jolynn along the corridor.

“She’s not really doing that good.”

“What happened?”
Adrian sounded anxious.

“She was grounded by her father on our last holiday. She had to endure through lessons & lessons of tuition and piano practice. I think the only times that she came out of that house is the time when her father bring her out for dinner.”

“That bad huh?”

“Yeah… her result sucks totally last semester, don’t you know?”

“I…”

Jolynn stopped walking and looked at Adrian.

“And it was mainly because of you.”

“Well... I didn’t mean it”

“One way or another. My best friend definitely suffered because of you.”

Jolynn started walking once more.

“Jol?”

Jolynn stopped and turned.

“You wanna join my ktv next week?”

“Why should I?”

Jolynn folded her arms.

“Let me make it up to Janet ok? Let’s take it as my sincere apologies over what happened. ”

“Yeah and you would probably bring all your girlfriends and spike her once more?”

“Please trust me can or not? I don’t have any girlfriends, be it in school or outside. I just want to make it up to her.”

“We’ll see how it goes…”

Jolynn continued her journey to the washroom.

Adrian smiled and began to make his way back to his class.

“Adrian?”

He stopped & turned this time and finds Jolynn staring at him with her arms fold.

“Can you promise me not to hurt her anymore?”

Adrian let out a guilty smile.

“I never wanted to anyway.”

“Good..I'll bet she still has some feelings for you”

Those were the last words before the two of them continued their journey.

Jolynn let out a sigh as she approached the washroom.

“I hope she's coping better than I am”

Jolynn washed her face as she looked at herself in the mirror.

Adrian approached the two of them during their break.

“Hello?”

“Wassup Adrian?”

Jolynn replied with Janet staring aimlessly in the blanks.

“Are both of you free next week?”

“Why? Wanna ask me out?”

Jolynn sounded sarcastically.

“Just wondering if you would be free next week, I'm organizing an outing.”

Adrian looking at Janet for response.

Jolynn sensed Janet's uncomfortable behavior and tried to cut short the conversation.

“So where's the outing anyway?”

“Well, it's just a ktv outing, nothing much actually.” Adrian tried to convince them.

Adrian spent the next five minutes trying to persuade their participation.

The group separated as the school bell sounded for the lesson.

Janet reached out immediately after school. It was something which her Dad had commanded her to do so and spends every effort in making her comply to it.

The whole house was empty as she walked through the living room and threw her bag on the sofa. Within minutes, the phone sounded.

“Yeah.”

Janet answered with a lack-lusted tone knowing the receiving end.

“How is school today?”

“School is much better than this empty prison.”

“You know what you've promise me don't you?”

Her father's commanding nature took over.

“Yes I know, be home before 3pm every day and start my own revision”

“Good. Don't forget that you are having tuition later”

“Yes I know, the tutor is one of your subordinate isn't she? Didn't realized that you would abuse your authority like that.”

“It's not necessary for you to know how I work, just fulfill your requirements. Having a strong academical background is good for building a strong foundation for your future. You don't know how important studying actually is until the day you step out to the society.”

“I'm not one of your subordinate so please don't talk to me like that!”

Janet couldn't stand his authoritative ways any longer.

“Your tutor will buy you dinner when she arrive.”

Janet did not response.

“I need to go for meeting now, Bye.”

Janet threw the receiver down.

Gushes of water descended onto her head as she attempts to cool her emotions with the shower head. Tears flowed with the rushing water down from her cheek right to her feet.

“Mum... I missed you...”

Memories of her sad past came back once more as she recall the times spent with your mum & dad. Her mum would help her with her homework and her dad would reward her with gifts when she had done well for her exams.

Her world then came crashing when her mum decided that she could no longer stand the way her father working day in and day out and always neglecting the family. Her father's defense was always for the sake of the family finances.

Both of them finally divorced when Janet was in secondary one. Her father being the financially stronger claim her custody to her mum's dismay. All the happy times came to end when the family was broken into pieces.

Her mum got remarried and now residing in Perth and Janet has never seen her again till the day when she last saw her in court.

Janet dry herself as she finishes her shower.

A bottle caught her attention below the sink.

She took up and open the cap. A strong stench of antiseptic smell filled the bathroom as she held the bottle of 'Dettol' in her hand.

“Will I die?”

Janet paused for a while.

“Maybe it's better that I do”

There was a moment of silence as she slowly lift the bottle towards her mouth.

Janet was suddenly shocked by a loud knock at the door and dropped the bottle onto the toilet floor. She got back to her senses and got dressed.

“Janet?”

Janet opened the door and found a woman fanning herself furiously with a stack of papers.

“yeah?”

“hi... I'm Elane. I'm your father's friend?”

“yeah... so you are my tutor.. Please come in”

The two of them went through revision before settling down for dinner. The suicide thought came but left as Janet got busier with her school work.

The half bottled antiseptic was then kept inside the cardboard.

------------------------

Edwin then felt his mobile phone trembling inside his bag.

“Hey Edwin, You want to come out this Saturday? Janet.”

Edwin was caught totally by the sms and he had to check a few times before he confirmed the sender and the receiver.

“What should I reply?”

His panic face caught the attention of Daryl and Huiyee.

“What's wrong?”

Huiyee asked.

“Oh... it's nothing...”

Edwin tried to brush off the concern.

“Ok man, your face is really pale now. Maybe you are too tired? Go wash up?”

Daryl patted on his shoulder.

Edwin took his mobile phone into the toilet and sat inside the cubicle.

[ Is Saturday tomorrow or next week's?]

Edwin asked.

The response came almost immediately.

[ Of course it's tomorrow!]

[ I guess I would be free, which subject you need help in?]

Edwin replied with his logical senses.

[ Who studies on weekends? I just want to go out ]

Janet replied.

[ Oh.. ok.. so where do you want to go? ]

[ Where do you normally spend your weekend? ]

Janet shot back the question.

[ I revised for all my subjects ]

Edwin being truthful.

[ No wonder you are so good in your grades, so you stay at home for your revision? ]

[ Nope, I do my revisions outside ]

[ Can you bring me to that place tomorrow? ]

Janet requested.

[ Sure but you have to revise a bit ]

[ Ok, I will revise with you.. but you'll have to follow me to my place after we're done]

[Where?]

Edwin was getting nervous.

[ You will know tomorrow... Meet you outside the Yishun MRT at 10am? ]

[ Ok... see you]

Edwin confirmed the arrangement.

He got back to his friends who were busy searching for data for their project.

“Edwin.. why are all you stunned? “

Huiyee looking at him being disorganized.

“I'm ok.. don't worry..”

----------------------

“Dad I need to go out tomorrow.”

Janet seek her father's permission as he sat by the ouch.

“Be back by 9pm. No later than that.”

That was all he answered and it was all she needs.

---------------------

“Ah pa, I don't think I will eat dinner tomorrow.”

Edwin returned to the shop house and found him packing up.

“Going out?”

Edwin nodded.

“With girl?”
Edwin nodded initially but keep shaking his head

His father smiled then pass him two ten-dollar note.

“Here, take it. You'll need it for your meals.”

“Thanks Ah pa, I will return you the change.”

-----------------------------------

Janet looked at the messages between Edwin and her.

She felt something which she had long forgotten. She was smiling as she looked at her phone. Although Janet wasn't sure of the reason, she only knows she needs to thank Edwin.

For passing her test...

For that simple smile that she had long forgotten...

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 3

Do you think all of us are judged on the intelligence we have?

Our ability to do something may bring extra attention from the ones we loved and the people around us.

When you just able to understand the people whom bred and fed you. Your parents tell you that learning the piano is good for your upbringing and a bright future.

From that day on, you will be put to countless hours of learning to play the piano. From the time that your little fingers were only able to touch the keys one by one, to the time when you sit for your graded piano examinations.

You’ll never really know whether you liked playing the piano, you only know playing the piano will bring happiness to the people around you.
Perhaps the happiness would manipulate your weak mind in thinking so.

Then will hard work always bring success?

What if you are not really up to the standard or you are really not gifted in the things in what people want you to achieve.

Will you been labeled as a ‘failure’ because of something that you are not able to achieve.

I’ve seen a lot of hardworking people in my life. They put in extra efforts than others and often spending more time of their in trying to achieve something which others could do.

If they passed, their parents would be the proudest person in their life. However if they failed, then their parents will blame on their lack of concentration and laziness which lead to the eventual failure.

Reality is cruel because it only recognizes those who passed, not those who’ve tried.

In the end, there will be a limit to everyone’s ability to learn or absorb and although hard work doesn’t always bring success, it certainly makes it sweeter when you’ve finally achieved.

The class had just ended and the students were taking their breaks to the washrooms. Jolynn was loitering at the corridor when she caught Janet staring out the window.

“So you are joining us tonight right?”
Janet stared at Jolynn as she sat down by her side.

“What's with tonight?”
Her pupils enlarged as she couldn't remember committing to any plans to her best friend.

“You mean you've forgotten about it?”
Jolynn's question was like a hot knife slicing a cold butter.

Janet shrugged.

“Wei...! It's Adrian's KTV outing? Didn't you say you were going?”
Jolynn pulled her sleeve.

Janet's train of thoughts ran backwards to the day when Adrian approached both of them during their break.

“Well, it's just a ktv outing, nothing much actually.” Adrian tried to convince them.

“So what's the occasion?” Jolynn question in doubt.

“Hmm... it's my birthday next week so my bros decided to organize this ktv outing. It's not going to be a big affair, just couple of guys and gals from school.”

Jolynn looked at Janet for some response.

“We'll see about it ok? If there's something on then I suppose we won't be able to make it.”
Janet started packing her stuffs.

“Ok.. sure, I hope you will be there.”
Adrian smiled before he left.

“Jan?”

“Yeah?” Janet looked up to her friend.

“You are damn fake you know that?”

“Huh??” Janet was rather shocked by her friend's remark.

“Didn't you tell me before that you liked him?”

“Did I? I did huh?” Janet looked surprised.

“How can a person changed her feelings so quickly? Unless you never really liked him in the first place.” Jolynn's words became more harsh.

“Well.. He's already got someone outside. Why would I like someone knowing we won't have a future?” Janet replied.

“Then have you ever seen him with anyone outside with your own eyes?”

Janet shook her head.

“I suppose these are only rumors from his class. Besides with his looks, rumors are bond to happen isn't it?” Jolynn tried to put some logic into her own reasoning.

“It's easier for him to have girlfriends than rumors..Oh.. whatever”
Janet started to walk off but Jolynn pulled her hand.

“Jan.. go to that outing ok? Accompany me?”

“You decide...” Janet then walked off.

“Jan, you remember now?”

“Oh.. you mean that outing.. it's tonight already?”

Jolynn nodded.

“Ok, I suppose I won't have anything to do tonight.”

Jolynn smiled.

“And.. I would like to learn that Fish Leong's song anyway...”

Janet smiled at her friend.

“So it's fixed... Don't back out if not I'm not going to talk to you again...”
Jolynn walked out of the class as the break ended.

Janet stare out the window again as the next lesson resume.

It was History lesson and everyone was dreaming away. Janet was one of them too as she looked at the swaying leaves on the branches.

“I wonder how much he had changed. It's been so long since we last went out together. I hope he's still as sweet as he used to be.”
Janet thought as she let out a smile.

Her smile stopped when there was a slight commotion in class.

“Edwin Ng, top student last year. What has happened to you? Can’t even answer a simple question?”
Janet saw Mrs. Chong walking towards Edwin as she speaks.

“Stand there young man! Very well, since you are not interested in my lesson, you might as well go stand outside till the class ends.”

Edwin then dragged himself out of the class as it continued.

“What should I wear tonight? Blouse or jeans? Heels? Hmmmm...”
This was all Janet could think of throughout the next half and hour.

“Good Morning class”
Miss Joanne greeted the class with her usual smile.

Janet hated Math all her life. She could understand what is the meaning of knowing all the equations and formulas in calculating something which you won't see. Math should just be something to do with everyday life and who uses algebra?

“Right class, before I go on. Just want to inform you that there will be a Math test tomorrow.”
The whole class groaned in common rhythm.

“Now, now, I don’t wish it to be a big surprise but I guess some of you will start to panic already. All the questions are pretty straight forward and if you have followed my lesson then there’s no need to be even scared of anything”
The groaned continued.

Janet was caught as she digested the information. All her smiles were gone as she knew how much she could possibly do with her knowledge.

“Oh my god.. I'm in deep shit this time round.”
The fear for her father who grounded her last holiday was enough to make her staring at her lunch during break.

“Oh well... maybe I should stay at home and revise throughout the night...”
“Hey… erm Janet… You ok?”
Janet turned around and saw Edwin.

“EDWIN! I’m so damned for tomorrow’s Math test!”
Janet blasted everything to Edwin for the next half an hour.
She was confused with herself, every time she had anything that she couldn't solve, she would turn to Edwin. Edwin will always come out with a solution to bail her out.

“We can exchange our answer sheets you know…”
“Are you crazy? You are sitting so far away from me. How do we even have the chance to do that?”
Janet replied in disbelieving.
“Eh… I’m not asking you to physically change our papers. I just want you to write my name down in your answer sheet. I will write your name in mine.”
Edwin explained patiently.

“Ok… ok I promise I will study the moment I reach home ok?”
Janet rubbed her eyes as Edwin made his move.

There was a sense of relieve throughout her deep emotions. At least she could go out without fearing anything tonight.

“Ooi Janet, I heard there's a Math test for your class tomorrow?”
Jolynn rushed upon hearing the news.

“Yeah...”
Janet just continued walking.
“Then how? Are we still going tonight? If you fail then your dad will literally kill you!”
“It's ok Jol, everything is going to alright. We are still going tonight because I promised you.”
Jolynn felt relieved too.
“Then see you tonight girl.” Jolynn waved goodbye to her friend as she walked back to her class.

The smile came back to Janet once more as she looked out the window for the remaining periods of the day. Somehow the day looks fine all over again.

--------------------------
“Attention, attention, Babes incoming!”
Someone shouted for attention as the girls arrived at the ktv.
There were a lot wolf whistle and howling in the room as Janet and Jolynn arrived.
“Wah... you guys can give us a break?”
Jolynn was brushing off the attraction yet enjoying every minute of it.
“Hey its great to see you gals!”
Adrian was sitting in the middle of the couch of the group which mainly from his class.
“Babes, Please sit beside our birthday boy.”
Terence ushered them towards the couch.
“You ok?”
Adrian looked at Janet while the rest of the group was singing.
“Yeah... I'm fine”
Janet looking at her glass.
“Thanks for coming, I really appreciate that.”

“Well.. Jolynn asked me to come so I guess I just accompanied her.”
“So you prepared for your test already?”
“It doesn't matter, I will be able to make it.”
The short conversation ended without further new topics.
“So it's your birthday, why didn't your girlfriend come? She’s busy?”
Janet suddenly popped out the question.

“Since when do I ever have a girlfriend?”
Adrian was shocked by her straightforwardness.

“You don't? Who are you bluffing? Hah!”
Janet took a sip of her glass.

“Yeah, I'm single. Unfortunately someone keep rejecting me”
Adrian leaned back onto his couch.

“Impossible.. if there's someone out who's able to do that to you. I wanna be the first to know.”

Adrian suddenly leaned forward to Janet's ear.
“Yeah... That person is you.”

Janet’s heart skipped a beat as the two of them froze in motion. The background was filled with singing and laughter but all was silence in Janet’s heart.

“Very funny…”
Janet got up from her seat and went to the washroom.

She was quiet for most of the night as the group was went on to celebrate Adrian’s birthday with song singings and cake cutting.

It was close to eleven when Janet reached home only to find her father sitting by the couch.

“Where have you been?”
Her dad’s authoritative voice sounded across the quiet living room.

“I was over at Jolynn’s place..”

“What did the two of you do?”

“Dad, I was revising tomorrow’s Math test with Jolynn.”

“Oh? There’s a test tomorrow? Since when you’ve become so independent?”

“Since the day you grounded me last semester.”
Janet then walked past her father without even looking at him.

As Janet locked her door, she couldn’t remember the last time since she spoke to him nicely over anything. He was always controlling her movement, limiting her freedom and restricting her privacy.

Janet sat by her study table and looked at the photo frame.

“Mum… now I understand why you left dad. So what if he’s the head of a multi-national company. He just treats his family like his subordinates and keeps on pushing them for higher grades.”

Her thoughts were distracted by the sound of her phone.
It was a sms by Adrian.

“Thanks for coming, you looked really pretty tonight..”

Janet lay on her bed looking at her phone.

“Should I reply….?”

Tiredness crept upon her as she closes her eyes and fell to a deep sleep.

-----------------------

The plan worked perfectly.

Janet was shocked by her result when she got back her test papers, or otherwise Edwin’s result. She could not overcome another greater shock when she overheard the rumors about Edwin’s result.

Guilt over ran her emotions as she called Edwin to apologize. It won’t change the result but only reduce her guilt.

There was an unread message from her phone when she hung up.

“Hey Janet, you want to come out this Saturday? Adrian”
----------------------------

“What answer you want to hear? Tell me.”

Neither of them replied.

“If the answer you want to hear is ‘Yes’ then I say yes loh. Is this what you want? Then tomorrow you can spread to the whole class.”
Edwin sounded very serious.

“Hey relax… relax, we are just joking.”
Daryl cooled him down.

“Yeah… besides, both of you are super not compatible. You are so intelligent and she is so hyped & Ah Lian”
Huiyee added.

Edwin sighed.
“Can we finally start our project?”

The lazy afternoon in the library finally came to life as the group discussed their history project. They had to put up with a sketch to perform about the Dutch ruling in Malaya in the seventeen century.

Edwin then felt his mobile phone trembling inside his bag.

“Hey Edwin, You want to come out this Saturday? Janet.”

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 2

When you were young, someone will always hold your hand when you cross the road. No matter who that person is, you’ll know that he/she is someone you can depend on, someone whom you can trust.

As you grow older, you would realize that nobody holds your hand anymore. You are dependant of yourself, to see the world in a different concept altogether. You are responsible to the things you do, the words you believe, the people you trust.

Trusting someone is never easy; getting someone to trust you is even more difficult in this reality world where dangers pound upon a blink of the eye.

I believe in some point of your life, you’re bound to get cheated at least once. You’ll feel sad, because you are in a lost. The world seems crashing down as you feel isolated once again. The person who’s holding your hand lets go, never spare a thought on what will become of you. You’ll feel angry, because you feel like an idiot. Your judgment has failed you and you won’t know whom to trust again.

You decided to walk alone, alone in the mist of darkest, alone in the valley of mistrusted region, wherever you go, loneliness is felt. Friends are no longer people you think you can depend on let alone entering your forbidden world of closed heart.

As times goes by, you’ve learned that trusting someone is a serious bet which you must bare the loss if one day the odds are against you. You tried to walk the road once again. This time, you tried to hold others hands. Making people believe in you and trust you may not seems as easy as you think. The responsibility of not letting go is much tougher than just holding onto one’s hand.

Finally, someone trusts you. You are no longer alone but in the warm of true friendship as you may say. From this moment on, your life begins to change. Dark alley becomes busy street of joy & laughter. You have relived life once more, you said.

And let this moment prolongs, as you hold the hands of trust and leading them to light and somewhere safe. . . .

When you looked at person, sometimes you wish you would know what she is thinking about. Are you inside her thoughts? What makes her smile as those bright eyes grew every time? Are the one who made her happy today?

Edwin used his hand to support his chin as he continued to look at Janet.

The history of Malaya that was written on the board brought in so such boredom that some of the students were already napping with their heads on the desk.

Not Edwin, as he was concentrating on his view from his side.

Janet was seated right beside the window and he was situated furthest away from her horizontally. He was contented with the seat as he could steal a glance at her and won’t be caught.

“What is she thinking and why is she always smiling?”

Edwin thought to himself.

Suddenly he felt someone kicking his chair.

“Ah Win… Mrs. Chong is calling you.”

Edwin stood up knowing he was caught with his guard down.

“Edwin Ng, top student last year. What has happened to you? Can’t even answer a simple question?”

An angry Mrs Chong walked towards him.

Edwin turned left and right fearing for his life as she advances.

“Stand there young man! Very well, since you are not interested in my lesson, you might as well go stand outside till the class ends.”

Edwin then dragged himself out of the class and stood there till the next period.

“Good morning class?”

Miss Joanne greeted the class with her usual smile.

She was their Math teacher and also their form teacher.

Miss Lee was Edwin’s favorite teacher; given the fact was that she was teaching his favorite subject, Mathematics.

Edwin was always fascinated by numbers since young. Ironically his first encounter with numbers was with a pack of poker cards that his father left on the table. It taught him the fundamental addition & subtraction without the help of tutors or assessment books.

“Right class, before I go on. Just want to inform you that there will be a Math test tomorrow.”

The whole class groaned in common rhythm.

“Now, now, I don’t wish it to be a big surprise but I guess some of you will start to panic already. All the questions are pretty straight forward and if you have followed my lesson then there’s no need to be even scared of anything”

The groaned continued.

Edwin stole a glance at Janet. She wasn’t groaning but her worried expression was written all over her face. The smile was gone and her face was frowning. Then she covered her face in agony for a short moment.

-------------------------------------

Edwin saw Janet sitting alone in the canteen during their break. He slowly approached her.

“Hey… erm Janet… You ok?”

Edwin’s voice was shivering as he asked the question.

“EDWIN! I’m so damned for tomorrow’s Math test!”

Janet blasted everything to him.

“Hey, there’s still time mah! If you need help I can always help you revise.”

Edwin sat beside her.

“There’s no time! I’m hanging out with the gals tonight. My dad’s going to kill me and chopped me into pieces.”

“How could that be? It’s only a test right?”

“You know my grades last year huh? I barely passed. My dad grounded me throughout the holidays we had. I was only let go on the last week on one condition.”

“Which is?”

“I have to score at least a ‘B’ for all my Math test and exams.”

“Well, you can always go out on another day right?”

Edwin suggested the obvious.

“I can’t. I already promised the gals to KTV last week. They probably would not talk to me if I don’t keep my promise. Oh God, I’m so dead!”

Suddenly Janet grabbed Edwin’s hand.

“Win, you will help me right?”

“Yeahhh…?”

Edwin replied shyly.

“Then teach me whatever you know within this half and hour!”

Edwin looked at Janet in total shock.

“It’s impossible, how can I do that?”

“Then how???? Wah lau, you don’t expect me to copy right? Besides I won’t know how to copy in Math anyway. It’s either I know or I don’t.”

Janet covered her face again.

Edwin thought for a moment as he looked at her.

“Well, there’s something I can do actually.”

Janet looked at him with her eyes reddish.

“We can exchange our answer sheets you know…”

“Are you crazy? You are sitting so far away from me. How do we even have the chance to do that?”

Janet replied in disbelieving.

“Eh… I’m not asking you to physically change our papers. I just want you to write my name down in your answer sheet. I will write your name in mine.”

Edwin explained patiently.

“Won’t Miss Joanne check our papers?”

“Don’t worry; she will usually call us to pass our answer sheets to the front. Then with all the answer sheets mixed together, it won’t be so obvious.”

“Oh…”

Janet was convinced that the plot will work.

“Just remember.”

Edwin continued.

“Yes?”

Janet eagerly anticipated.

“Don’t write your answers too neatly. You are supposed to be me so try to scribble as much as possible. I on the other hand will write as neat as possible.”

Edwin smiled as he reorganized his plot in his mind.

“Will it work? I mean what if Miss Joanne caught us? Won’t I get you into trouble too?”

Janet was still being pessimistic.

“Don’t worry, it will work. You just enjoy your outing ok?”

Edwin gave her the assurance once again.

“Ok… ok I promise I will study the moment I reach home ok?”

Janet rubbed her eyes.

“Sure…”

Edwin stood up and walked off.

The smiles were back on Janet’s face when the lesson began for the second half of the day. Edwin was satisfied with himself that he could do the least bit for her.

The plan worked perfectly.

------------------------------------

“Win, I’m sorry.”
Edwin thought he had heard some sniffing sound on the background.

“It’s ok…Janet.”
He consoled her.

“I’m sorry I had to ask you to exchange your answer sheets with mine.”

“It’s just a test mah. Ha ha.”

“I really tried to study when I reached home… but tiredness crept over me and I feel asleep on my desk.”

“Hahaha I’m imagining that scene in my head now”

Edwin laughed over the phone.

“Shit you! I’m crying over this ok?”

“Thanks.”

Edwin replied.

“For?”

“Crying over this…”

“It’s ok, I cry very often de. See you in school on Monday, enjoy your weekend.”

Janet said before she hung up.

The breeze blew into Edwin as he continued his journey to the library. He looked up at the swaying branches and wore a smile on his face.

“Is she smiling now as she looked out her window?”

Edwin wondered.

The library was rather packed with a lot of students yearning for an asylum to rest their souls. Edwin walked around and saw many of them surfing on their laptops and some sleeping on their thick textbooks.

Edwin had always wondered why they need to come all the way to the library to sleep and surf. Can’t they do it at home?

“Psst… psst… Win, over here…”

Edwin looked around for the source of the sound. It was the owner of the sound that he was looking for since his arrival.

“Huiyee, Sorry I’m late.”

Edwin sat down.

“Hiyo Edo”

A voice greeted him from behind.

“Oh yeah, Daryl too”

Daryl smiled at him before he got back to his laptop.

“Hey Daryl, stop playing games and be serious.”

Huiyee reprimanded him like a small boy.

Daryl switched off his game immediately and smiled at her.

“Wow… sometimes the two of you really looked an item.”

Edwin commented.

“With him?”

“With her?”

That comment brought the two of them to fake vomit spontaneously and broke some attention to their table.

“Joking, joking… lower your volume”

Edwin looked around apologetically.

“Ok… let’s discuss on our history project.”

“No wait.”

Daryl stopped Edwin.

“You got to tell us first. How did our Math genius got a ‘D’ for his test?”

Huiyee nodded eagerly as she looked at Edwin.

“It’s like you can sleep through the whole of yesterday and I still won’t believe you would score a ‘D’”

Huiyee nodded again.

“Careless mistakes. I did the problems too slow to counter check.”

Edwin replied.

“Who are you kidding?”

Daryl rebuked his reply.

“I don’t think Miss Lee would believe it either.”

Huiyee added.

“Up to you to believe what you wanna believe. We are here to do our project, not to gossip about me”

Edwin was pretty annoyed by his friends.

“Ok, since you don’t want to talk about yourself. Let’s talk about Janet.”

Daryl continued the bombardment.

“What’s with her?”

Edwin asked.

“How did a person who barely passed her Math exams last year got Full marks for this test? The difficulty for this test is not really low you know. Conspiracy brewing you know?”

Daryl keeps penerating deeper and deeper.

“How the hell I know? Maybe she studied very hard? Come on give people a break.”

“Edwin, you like her is it?”

Huiyee suddenly asked.

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 1

Everyone in this world has a talent.

Some of those can sing pretty well, some of those started drawing or painting at a very young age. There are those who are not talented in skills but have features that will bring them far and in demand. Finally there are groups with very intelligent brains who never seem to do his revision for exams.

Everyone is born with a reason, a reason that sometimes we seek and use our lifetime in searching.

When we know what our talent is, we’ll know the reason why we exist. We exist because of what we had that was determined by our genes.

The talents that we discover; the looks that we have and the intelligence that we developed; makes us special and perhaps is the reason that made us fall for one another.

Do you know what your talent is?

If you do, make full of it…because only a small handful of people have the same talent as you.

“No one choose to ignore you, only you chose to be alone from them”

“Growing up in Singapore sure is a tough thing. Our competitiveness for growth and prosperity is the result of the constant emphasis of continous improvement.

Life is strange right from the beginning, when you had to throw away your toys to pick up a musical instrument at a tender young age, or to learn a sport which you only see it on television.

The only ‘toy’ that grew up with an average child would most probably be his personal computer. The friends that he had would most probably people he had never met in his life and maybe won’t have the chance to.

The importance of education meant hours and hours spent on studying, enrichment courses and more tuition after school.

Have adults ever think about our feelings when we had to go through all these?
I do not believe life in 1997 was like this for a 14year old.
How big a difference can ten years make?
Life sucks right the very minute.
I hate being me.”

“Win…”

Edwin stopped writing when he heard his elder sister calling.

“Win, Ah Pa asking about the result of your Math test last week.”
His sister opened the door and found a shocked look staring at her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh… nothing”
Edwin put his diary away from her sight.

“The results for the Math test?”

“Just tell Ah Pa I’ve passed that’s all”

“Pass is not good enough you know. Every year there’s so many people who passed and graduated from university. What matter most is the grade, THE GRADE my dear brother? It’s the grades that differentiate all of us.”

“Then tell him it’s a ‘D’”
Edwin looked away from her.

“D? It’s not acceptable you know? How can you go to University with this kinda result?”

“Jie, I’m just not as clever as you.”

“Then you got to study harder. You can always put up for something which you don’t have with determination.”
His sister was frustrated with his lack-lusted reply.

“Oh… that maybe that’s the thing I’ve lacked too, together with the intelligence.”
Edwin scaractiscally shot back.

“What’s the commotion?”
Their dad overheard the noise and checked out.

“Ah boy only got a ‘D’ for his Math test. Secondary two final exams are only a few months time. Tell him to either spend his time studying or start praying.”
His sister fumed out of the room.

Edwin’s father sat on his bed. The room was very untidy and was stacked with the inventory of groceries due to the nature of his business.

“What happen to you, my boy?”
His father appeared disappointed.

Edwin didn’t reply as he kept his head down.

“What happen to my smart boy who was the top student last year?”

“I’m sorry, Ah Pa”
Edwin apologized.

“Are you stressed over anything? You can share with me if you want to, like when you were young?”
Their eyes met as his father seek an answer from his lost boy.

“Ah Pa… I will work harder for a better grade.”


“It’s ok my son, as long as you’ve tried your best. I’m grateful for whatever result you bring back.”
His father smiled and patted on his head.

“Pa, would you let me help you with the shop if I failed? You had to mend the shop and take care of us at the same time.”
Edwin suggested.
”No, I can manage. Besides, your uncle is helping me so there shouldn’t be any problem.”

“But you have to pay Jie’s University school fees, if not let me go out and work? Then I can bring back some money to help the family too.”
Edwin continued his plead.

“I said ‘No’, study is more important than anything else.”
His father’s voice rose.

“Ok…”
Edwin lowered his head.

“Too bad your mother left us early; a house cannot do without a woman to manage.”

Edwin’s father looked at the over stacks of instant noodles, can food and drinks in his room as he walked out.

There was a sigh as he shook his head once again.

All was quiet again in the room as Edwin packed his journal into his bag. He walked out to the living room and saw his sister again. His father had gone back down to the shop below.

“Don’t look at me, you have only yourself to blame if you failed everything and be worthless in the rest of your life”
Those blunt words cut deep into his heart.

“Jie, grades and examinations are that important in life?”

“Grades get you a better school, a better course and finally when you graduated, a better job with high pay awaits you.”

“Is that what life is all about?”
“WHAT ELSE MATTERS?”
His sister started to raise her voice.

“You think I like to stay in this 30 year old shop house? It cramped and filthy and there are groceries all over my room!”

Edwin didn’t dare spoke a word as she continued.

“I hate to be poor; I hate it when my friends invite me to their condominium and show off their latest designer bags and cosmetics. What do I have? I don’t even dare telling anyone where we lived. I want to be rich and stay in my own apartment someday.”

“You don’t wanna stay with us anymore?”
Edwin innocently asked.

“If I have a choice, I won’t. Get lost and stop bothering me.”
His sister grabbed a box of tissue paper and threw at him.

It missed and Edwin picked up the box.
He knew his sister was crying as he laid the box next to her.

“I’m sorry, Jie. I will work hard too. I want to give Ah Pa a good life too.”

Edwin walked down from the staircase to the shop.

His father and uncle were busy counting the inventories and checking the incoming stocks. Business was not good these days as the opening of supermarket chain had brought prices lower than them.

Edwin’s father stopped when he saw him walking down the stairs.

“Ah Pa, I’m going to the library.”

“Coming back for dinner?”

Edwin nodded.

“Ok, be careful and watch out for cars when you cross the road.”
His father reminded him.

Edwin nodded again as he walked out of the provision shop.


The history of the provision shop was traced to the mid 1980s when both his parents first met each other as they shop for groceries daily.

Edwin’s father took his courage and started talking to his mother.
After spending a lot of effort in the courtship, his father finally got her hand and they got married not long after.

It was his mother idea to take over the shop when the late shopkeeper had intentions to sell his business. The intention was for memorial purposed but it was profitable too.

Business was a lot better those days and all the patrons will usually buy groceries and chat on the latest news.

Edwin’s father bought a colored television right in front of their shop and would sometimes put some chairs for their customer to sit and continued their chat while viewing the show.

Two years into their marriage, his sister was born.
Six years further and Edwin came to this world. By then the business of the provision shop had gone downhill.

A sickness took away their entire savings and the life of their mother. It was one of the most painful moments when you just got to know your mother at the age of four and she left you just like that.

From that day onwards, the world came crashing down on them. Every meal seems to be getting lesser and lesser. Sometimes his father would borrow money from his relatives to meet ends.

Electricity and water supply cut off became a natural thing throughout their growing up.

Edwin had always wondered why his fellow classmates can afford latest hand phones, game consoles and laptops when he couldn’t. All he had was a hand phone with practically no other features beside calling and sending messages.

It didn’t matter to him anyway, he could do less with all the valuable items they had. He had his family, his father and an elder sister whom he respects. The phone was a birthday present from his sister last year and that worth more than anything else.

Edwin stopped and turned to look at the shop once again.
It looked the same every time he sees it. Although it was not grand, it was home to him and he was grateful.

As he continued his journey, he heard a ringing tone from his bag.

“Hello?”

“Hello Edwin, it’s me.”

“Janet?”

“Yes…”

“So what is it regarding?”
Edwin was surprised to receive the call.

“The Math test”The voice over the receiving end got smaller.

“Yeah? What’s with the Math test?”
Edwin replied.

“You got a ‘D’?”

“Yeah… I’ve got a ‘D’ and I have to go for remedial classes starting next week. So what did you get?”
Edwin laughed over the phone.

“I’ve got full marks…”

“Wow.. that’s great you know!”

There was no response from the phone.

“Janet, you still there?”
Edwin thought his phone was not functioning.

“Win, I’m sorry.”
Edwin thought he had heard some sniffing sound on the background.

“It’s ok…Janet.”
He consoled her.

“I’m sorry I had to ask you to exchange your answer sheets with mine.”

[To be Cont]

Just had a wishful thought that if I would to ever publish a book,

what would it be like.

How would it looked like?

Well... I like it simple... and so it is..

Book of Love 爱神の书

Chapter 32

If you can erase one love chapter of your life, which one would it be?
Would it be the one that slither across your heart like a razor-sharp knife?
Or would it be the one chapter that you saw your beloved fall for your best friend?

As much as we want to remember all the memories that we’ve gone through, there will always be a dark hurting secret conceal within our hearts. Waiting... and waiting, till the day it came out to haunt us again.

If I can erase one love chapter of my life, maybe I would erase the earlier portion of my life when I fell into the depths of distress over my looks. Throughout my life, I’ve always tell myself that love is all about the physical attraction.

One of my crush ever told me in the face, “you have a very good character, you know how to make people laugh and happy, you are so talented and everything seems so nice about you but… I don’t really want to go out with you.”

You can really imagine what kind of mental torture that was to me. I was just another extremely over-weight, ugly nerd trying my best to find love and to be with the person whom I like.

Was it fate that made me this?
Was it the love from my parents who over fed me caused this?

Friends boycott me when they go out with group dates with fellow female classmates.

Seriously at the point of life, I really hate myself.
I hate being me.

Sometimes I wished that I could exchange all the ‘talents’ that I’ve discovered. My ability to write, to joke and create atmosphere, my ability to draw and my ability to sing just for being someone handsome one day. People adore you because your looks.

I guess there are many people who are like me who often asked this question.

“Is love really about physically attraction only?”

I was proven wrong twice in my life as those liked me as who I am and not how I looked liked. As I get older in life, I witness more cases which I didn’t think possible at the age of 16.

I sincerely hope that you will be proven wrong one day because this is what love is all about. How you looked like will get you love faster than others, who you really are will get you the love that last longer than others.

This is Love, who you are, is after all more important than anything else.

Two weeks had passed since the day when Mark read through the Book of love. His journey came to a halt after he reached Chapter 11 where he rekindled the wonderful memories of Jade and her sufferings.

Mark woke up and led his life in guilt and almost lost his sense of direction literally. The last two weeks were merely home to work and back to home.

Work perhaps was the only source of meaning in his life now. His boss had employed two new staff to his department.

“Mark, Shaun. These two are new here and will be joining our team with immediate effect. They are Jervoise and Faith.”

“Welcome to the team!”
Mark shook their hands warmly.

Being a senior, he was in charge of training them effectively. Shaun had help but the two of them were no longer as close to one another.

It was a long day when he finally reached home.

Mark saw an envelop on his table as he entered his room. He picked up and tore open without hestitation.

A pink colored paper reveals itself from the envelop as Mark sat by his bed.

“Hello Markie Dear!

How are you?
I don’t suppose you will be good since I’m no longer by your side.

How many years have I been gone already?
Three years? Four or Five?

Don’t be afraid, I’m not a ghost or something. I wrote this letter many years ago when I came to know about my illness and sent to a friend. I’ve told her to only send out this letter in the month of my birthday in 2007.

I don’t know when I will be gone but the doctors already told me everything about my illness. They are not very optimistic about it.

If you are not sad over me then I will be angry with you. But if you are really sad, three years is considered well enough for me already.

If you are currently living a good life with a good relationship then I will have no regrets. What I fear most is that you are still living in my shadows, Mark.

Live your life, Mark.

Remember me as part of your memories but not part of your life. You have to find your own life.

Treat the girl like how you’ve treated me and I will be happy for the both of you. I’m really grateful to God for the moments that we’ve met till the day we went steady.

I will pray for you, my dear.

I love you.

Jade.”

The feeling of lost was filled with content.
Mark was surprised that he didn’t shed a tear this time. He only felt the feeling of warmness that ran across his body.

It was the feeling of relieved and he didn’t felt so free since the day Jade died. The memories seem a little vague as more experience of life creeps in.

Mark kept the letter back to the envelop and walked over to his door. He took out the picture which was hanging behind his door.

The picture of their memories together.

He took the picture together the envelop and kept them in a box filled with the journal and letters he wrote.

After safekeeping the box in his cabinet, Mark took out the book from his bag and started flipping again. There were still some pages after Chapter 11 and Mark began to develop the interest in finding out.

There were a few more chapters on the quick relationship that he tried to have after her death. Those fruitless and non-meaningful relationships that Mark had used to covered his loneliness. He was surprised that all these were recorded too.

Then he flipped to the last few pages.

“Chapter 15 - The person you loved the most.”

It is the game of fate that brought the two of you together. She caught you looking at her since the first day you’ve met.

Though only glances were exchanged throughout the two years, there was a feeling of closeness and familiarity between the two of you.

The first time that you tried to communicate with her ended up in a mess as you were accused of spying on her.

Maybe because of this incident that turned the events between the two of you. The ice was broken and the two of you began to cultivate the relationship.

It was through an accident that she began to know you more. You made efforts to take care of her and making sure that she was on her way to good health.

Despite bearing the same name, She is the person whom resembles your ex girlfriend the most in terms of her character and personality.
Through her, you felt as if you know yourself better.

Deep down you would have gone for her if not for the obstructed feeling of your previous relationship.

You knew it in yourself that you really loved this person.

Fate can only arrange your meeting, you have to express your love yourself and let destiny take its due course.”

There was a smile on his face as Mark closed the book.
He knew it all along, that he liked Jade during the two years of discovery.

As he prepares himself to sleep, he heard his hand phone ringing.

“Yeah?”

“Mark? It’s me Jade…”

“Oh Jade… how are you? Need anything?”
Mark sat up on his bed.

“I know it’s kinda late but just wondering if you could come out for a while. I really need someone to talk to.”
Mark could hear Jade’s voice becoming softer.

“Oh… well who says it’s late? In fact I’m so bore now that I don’t know what to do next… Thank goodness you call.”
Mark tried to soften the atmosphere a little.

“I’ll come to pick up you ok? Give you a ring when I reached...”

“Alright…”
Jade replied as she hung up.

---------------------------------

Mark arrived at her void deck nearing midnight. Jade was already sitting at the benches by herself.

“Wah…. How long have you been sitting here?”
Mark called out as he approaches.

Jade looked up with a faint smile.

“After I’ve call you?”

Mark sat down beside her.
“What happened?”

“Can we go to somewhere else?”

“You got anywhere in mind?”

“Mark, where would you go when you have lots of problem in your heart?”
Jade asked as she turned her head from him.

“Oh… I know this place… A friend brought me there not long ago. I think it’s not bad.”
Mark suggested.

------------------------------------

Mark parked his car somewhere near Clark quay as they approaches. Both of them walked to the railings and sat there while looking at the Singapore river.

Mark handed over some beer to Jade as he thought she might need them.

“Thanks… you really know me”
Jade smiled.

“So can you tell me what the problem is now? I mean I’m just worried about you.”

“I saw Don just now.”
Jade just whispered.

“Then did he hurt you or anything?”
Mark tried to search for any visible hurt.

“He told me… that he had regretted on the things that he had done. It was all a setup; he didn’t have an affair with another girl. He just wasn’t ready to get married.”

Mark looked on.

“Because he thinks that people would despise him because of his limp. So he tried to push away the wedding… tried to get me in giving up on him…When he realized that he had caused my miscarriage, he felt as it he was crucified by guilt.”
Jade let out a sigh as he looked at the night sky.

“You still loved him?”
Mark could only ask this question at this point of time.

“Deep down I knew you would ask me this question. I tried to ask myself that... but all I get is confusion and misconception. I really don’t know…”
Jade replied as she sips her beer.

“Follow your heart right?”
Mark toasted his beer with hers.

“Oh Mark… you are such a wonderful guy. Sometimes I wish that you were the guy in my life instead.”

“But Don is irreplaceable in your heart right?”

Jade didn’t reply. Both of them just looked up into the sky.

“Look at the Orion’s belt. It’s beaming bright tonight.”
Mark pointed into the direction of the stars above.

Jade stood up and looked at the stars.

“You know how long it took those stars to be together?”
Mark asked Jade as she shrugged.

“Millions of years maybe? But in the end they are together right? Time will change everything right?”

Jade just smiled back and look at the sky again.

“Jade, I have to tell you something.”

Jade turned and looked at him.

“Jade…. I…..I like you…”

Their eyes locked in serenity.

“Mark… not this joke now..?”
Jade wasn’t convinced.

“Look… I’m really serious. I like you; you are the one whom I loved the most at this moment.”
“Why do you have to tell me now?”

“Because I have to… let you know”

Both of them didn’t utter a word to each other for awhile.

“I ought to be going…”
Jade finally spoke.

“Ok, I’ll send you back.”

The journey home was all quiet inside his car. The atmosphere was all moody as both of them didn’t speak a single word to each other.

“Hey… Thanks for the ride and the company…”
Jade thanked Mark as she got off his car.

“Sure… no problem… anytime?”

“And Mark… maybe you are right…. Though some things are irreplaceable, time may just change everything.”

Mark reached home close to 3am.
He was physically tired but he didn’t have the urge to sleep yet.

Mark took out the Book of Love and flip to the page after he had stopped. As he turned, the title was something that he wondered all along…

“Chapter 16 - The person that loved you the most.”

[To be Cont - Ending on Next Chapter ]