Book of Love 爱神の书

Chapter 22

When the love begins to fade, another feeling begins to take over your mind and heart. This feeling is the opposite of love and is as dark as any feeling that may be.

This is the feeling of hatred that comes after loneliness.

It develops when the person whom you love cheats you over and over again. All the empty promises that never delivered. All the words and actions that triggered your jealousy and unhappiness.

You’ll feel that the world is against you. Nobody cared for you like before, nobody even know how you felt today.

You’ll find a slight happiness when you realized that you are alone. When you are alone, you have all the time in the world to understand yourself. Who you really are, what you really want in life.

I use to hate everybody. People who are better than me, people who are worse than me.. people whom I have no concern with.. practically everybody.

I've forgotten when I've developed with this kind of hate towards all living things. I guess I just want people to hate me in return. This gives me a sense of feeling of loneliness, the feeling of being alone. The sense of self-discovery I should say..

Everyone always say you need the support of people around you but deep down in actually fact, you yourself have to be strong because help doesn't come that often as you required. I don't need anyone, any friends, and family members at the end of the day all that matters is that I have myelf..

It’s this kind of attitude problem that I don't give a damn towards this whole world rather be a selfish grouch than a helpful soul who everyone abuses whenever there's a chance..

Maybe the only way to make me stop loving you is to hate you because the more I love you, the more pain I will suffer when u leave me… selfish may be the word which describe everything about me maybe… or is it that loving is been selfish all along?

Mark’s eyeball nearly popped out when he saw the scene. He just ran as fast as he could to the edge of the rocks.

“Sharon?! Sharon!!” He shouted.

The sea was calm and there was no response.

Mark hesitated for a moment as glimpse of his past memories rattled his mind once more for the fear for history to repeat itself.

He no longer takes it to the sea after that incident. In fact the death of Jade had left such a big scar in his mind that it indirectly created his phobia of water.

His heart was pumping heavier than before as he faced one of his greatest fear at the moment. Mark was angry about his fear and had to calm himself self down.

He continued to shout to the waters to see if there’s any response.

“Sharon.. it’s me.. Mark!~ Hey listen… can you hear me? Don’t do anything stupid ok? There’s still a lot to live for…”

Still there was no sign of anyone.

“Shit…!! Whatever the fuck.. ”

Mark thought to himself as he took off his shoes and shirt jumped into the sea. He swam around the place diving deep right into the sea with as much oxygen his lungs could hold onto.

The sky was already dark and it made him really difficult to the search and rescue .

As he desperately searched for Sharon, his mind was thinking about his ex-girlfriend. He couldn’t saved her that day, he had to save Sharon this time.

Mark battled the waves to swim further into the sea. He was tired and breathless but kept going on as his sub-consensus continued to push his body going forward.

Mark the felt something pulling one of his leg as he began to lose control of himself. It wasn’t something pulling but one of his leg was cramped by the swim.

The feeling was intense he was struggling and gasping for air.
Mark tried to swim back to shore but was too weak.

“Help… Hel…”

Mark continued to brawl against the handicapped of his legs but ended in vain as he sunk into the sea.

“Shit…. I’m done for this time…”
That was his last thought before he passed out.

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“Mark? … Mark….”

It was the sound of Jade, his ex-girlfriend.

“Jade…? Is that you? I tried my best to save her already.., I couldn’t save you that day… I couldn’t save her today”

“Mark… I never blame you for anything…”

Mark couldn’t move towards the sound but there was a light that hurt his eyes whenever he tried to look at it.

“Jade.. will you forgive me?”
Mark asked.

“Silly.. I’ve never blame you, why should there be any forgiving?”

“Then can we be forever like this?”

“No Mark, you don’t belong here… I know there’s someone other than me in your heart right now. It saddens me to share your love with her but I guess it’s better this way. I don’t want you to love me forever, I’m glad you truly loved me once…”

“Jade…”
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Before he knew it, he was choking out water as a force was pump right into his ribcage.

Mark coughed and coughed as he vomited all the water out.

His eyes were slightly opened and there were a lot of commotion surrounding him. A crowd had gathered at the shore where Mark was rescued.

“He’s awaken already… ”

“What a relieve… we almost lost him”

“Has the ambulance arrived yet?”

“What happened to him? Suicide?”

“I don’t know, he looked very desperate. I was having my routine night swim then I saw him jumped in with his clothes on. He looked as if he was looking for something. Then he began to struggle in the waters. Luckily I reached him in time.”
A man with a husky voice replied to the crowd.

A lot of voices surrounded him but none belonged to Jade.
So was he dreaming or did he really communicated with her?

“Mark.. you ok?”
A familiar voice caught his attention. Mark turned and looked at the person.

“Sharon… is that you?”
Mark was too weak to move but he tried to turn to look at her. He finally remembered why he jumped into the waters.

“Yeah.. it’s me.. what happen to you?”

“I… tried to save you…”
Then he passed out.

The ambulance came shortly and Mark was warded in the hospital for observations.

The second time Mark regain conscious, he found himself on the bed of the hospital. It was already 3am.
“Ah boy woke up already..”
His mother was the first to react alerting his father who had already slept on the chair.

“Ma… How come you are here?”
Mark lifted himself to sit down.

His mother got up and sat beside him. Before Mark could ask another question, his mother gave him a tight slap in his face.

“Why can’t you get over her? Why do you have to kill yourself?”

“Ma.. it’s not what you think. I didn’t commit suicide.”

“Then why the hell you jumped into the sea? You fancy a swim at night?”
His father threw his authority in.

“I… saw someone jumped so I went to save her.”

“You are trying to be a hero, and when was the last time you swam? It’s already so long. Can’t you just shout for help when you saw the incident? I could have lose you, you know?”

Mark’s mother began to weep again while his father comfort her.

“I’m sorry… I won’t do this again.. I promise.”
Mark lowered his head.

“You better be responsible of your own life… your mother’s tired. Since you are already awake then I will send her home to rest.”

“Ok pa… Please take care of her.”

“By the way, the girl who accompanied you in is still outside. I’ll call her in.”

Mark’s father said as they walked out of the ward.

Mark leaned back to the pillow and waited.

The door slowly opened, and Sharon stuck her head in to peep into the room.

“Come in lah.. there’s no one here.”

Sharon walked in with her large bag. She quietly sat at the couch near his bed. Mark looked at her and sighed.

“You ok already? You looked tired..”
She finally asked as she looked at him.

“Why did you want to run away? Why did you want to commit suicide? Is life so meaningless to you?”

Sharon didn’t reply him, instead her tears slowly dripped onto his bed sheet.

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you telling me this? I know you have a sad history.. I guess everyone has a skeleton in their closet but we have to look forward right?”

“I guess so…”

Mark adjusted his position.

“Then why did you jump? Do you know I nearly got drown while trying to save you?”

Sharon was shocked when she heard this.

“I didn’t jump… although this thought ever appear on my mind.”

“I just ran away from home. I just wanted to find a place peaceful and quiet so I went to the beach. In fact I didn’t know you were there. I just happen to saw the commotion and realized it was you…”

“Then who was it that jumped into the water?”

“I don’t know but I heard a man was swimming there. Maybe you saw him taking a plunge….?”

“Maybe I saw wrongly, maybe I was too worried about you.”

“I didn’t mean to cause you to be like this…”
Sharon just didn’t know how to continue.

“It’s ok, please go home ok? I believe there are guys out there who won’t mind your past. As long as the two of you have a future ahead.”

Mark held her hand firmly.

“Don’t make the people around you sad & worried ok?”

“I will… I think I will go home now. Guess my aunt must be worried too. ”

Mark nodded.

“You have a good rest ok? I will come visit you tomorrow”

“Yeah…”

Sharon walked towards the door but turn back again. She walked straight up to Mark and kissed him on his left cheek before whispering.

“Thanks for saving me... somehow...”

Mark lay back on his bed as Sharon walked out. He saw his hand phone on the side cabinet and took it.

“Hey Chris and Shaun, I’ve got up with some trouble and currently ended up in SGH. Please help me to inform boss I won’t be reporting to work…”

Mark sent the sms to both Christine and Shaun. He put down his phone and went to rest. Before he fell into sleep, his phone rang.

“Hello..” Mark answered half awakened.

The reply came brought his life back to him.

“You stupid idiot!!! What happened to you??? Which ward are you in right now??? I’m on my way there.”

It was Christine.

[To be Cont]