Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 10

What does your family mean to you?

I suppose the definition of this word changes as we grow up and experience many things later in life. I grew up in a close knitted family where the nine of us (grandparents, uncles) would squeeze into a 3 bedroom flat like some Singaporeans.

My father being a fishmonger would leave the house at the stroke of midnight to source for fresh fish to sell in the market. He would only return home for lunch at noon time the next day. The timing crash would mean I have little communication with him.

My mum was a housewife turned stall helper as there was none other people in the family who wanted to run the stall. I would say that I grew up in the wet market as I too had to help out at the age of seven.

My family was not financially strong in my standards as there were many things which I didn’t get compared to my peers. For me, I didn’t know a holiday also meant a trip overseas as most of the time I would only know it’s a festive celebration.

I used to think my school treated me better than my parents as they gave me a story book as encouragement for my hard work in school.

My mother would only tell me “Good job… study harder so that you won’t lead a life like us.”

In a mind of a twelve year old, I didn’t like the both of them very much because they always would stop me from doing the things I liked. I resorted to rebellion by doing badly for my final year in primary school. Although I still advanced to a 4 year secondary school course, many would have expected me to enter a better school.

As a teen, I practically failed everything that lay in front of me. Efforts of getting a tutor resulted in vain as I wasn’t interested in doing the things which my parents wanted.
I quarreled with them many times in my life. Each time, my mum would only break down in tears and told me that I won’t understand until the day I became a parent.

With my younger brother scoring all the grades and taking home saving all the faces for the both of them, I was totally ignored as I was labeled as the ‘bad’ son for life.
I don’t like to stay at home because I cannot stand the constant nagging from her about my room, my grades, my friends and my life. I always felt better when I’m out with my friends.

As I grew older, I realized that we don’t talk to each other anymore. They would go out of the house by midnight and I would only return home after that. By the time they have finished the business, I would have slept enough and got out of the house before they were back.
My mum tried to ask me something when I was having my dinner.

“Why must you ask this now?” I replied feeling agitated.
“Where were when I have something to ask?” To which my mum replied.

That sentence made a lot of awful sense as I couldn’t remember when the last time was I had a good conversation with my mum.

As I stepped out to work, maturity grew in me as I began to understand the word ‘family’ and tried to value it. I got to know more people and also realized that some of them don’t even have both parents to grow up with.

Guilt ran all across me because I wasn’t a good son to them.
All the damages had been done and all the wounds had been inflicted. Till this day, my mum would still not trust me over the things I said. I acknowledged that because I’ve lied to her so many times in my life.

But they were really surprised that I had changed and look forward to upgrade myself academically. They would still ask me not to study until so late into the night each time before they start work. I just quietly smiled and buried myself into the piles of books.
How times have fly.

As I observed them from afar at the fish stall, they have certainly aged quite a lot. They weren’t as strong as they used to be and they have to help each other to carry certain loads. It hurts me beyond words I saw it.

There are still many things which I want to do for them but are still not within my capabilities.

All I can do is to try to stay home as much as I can these days despite all the unfinished work. So that I can enjoy my mum’s cooking which I’ve missed so much many years ago.
Everyone would have their side of story to tell when you would to ask them about their families. Each and every story that you have with your family, be it sad or happiness is an experience that is kept in your heart and memories.

So what is a home with my family mean to me today?

It is a place where I know I will sleep soundly every night.

It is a place where I know I will be forgiven if I made a silly mistake.

It is a place where I know I will love each and every one as much as I can.

It is certainly a place where all the people who loved me in this world get together.

For some people, they may not necessary be the one who gave you your life but they are the ones who give you the time and attention which you needed.
If you dislike someone in the family for some reason, think about it again…

What does a family mean to you?

Nobody chose to ignore you, you only chose yourself to be ignored.

Love your family today because you won't know how many todays are there....

A moment of silence swept past the empty shop where three shadows stood apart. The short distance felt like continents apart as there was not a word spoken. There was no eye contacts too as both Edwin and his sister were hanging down their heads.

The joy of living together seems to have died on that day.

Three persons with three different feelings stood within a small compound of space. One who was angry about her way of life, one who was confused about his way of life and one who was guilty that he had created all the discomfort to his children.

Edwin’s father then walked slowly towards the entrance and brought back the stacks of groceries. Both Edwin and his sister didn’t know what to do but stood still as they watched.

A lady tried to walk into the shop.

“Sorry Madam”
His father called.

“Yes?”

“We are closed for today”

“Wah so early? It’s not even two o’clock”
The lady was taken aback by the reply.

“Yeah, we have some family matters to attend”
Edwin’s father smiled as he replied.

“Oh ok…”
The lady then walked out the shop feeling confused.

“Sorry, we hope to do your business again tomorrow.”
His father gently apologized for the inconvenience caused.

Edwin’s father took a last look outside before he pulled down the shutters and make his way up the stairs.

“Pa…”
Edwin finally broke the silence.


“Come upstairs… both of you, we’re close for today.”
His father replied as he took the steps one by one.

Edwin quickly went to support his father while his sister followed slowly behind them.

“Sit down”
His father asked his two children to sit at the old wooden dining table.

Both obliged without a hassle.

“Tell me something honestly… are you having a hard life with me?”

The two of them had mixed expression. Edwin was shaking his head in objection while his sister just lowered her head.

“Meiyee?”

There was still no response from his eldest daughter.
Finally Meiyee found the courage to speak up.

“Pa…”

“Yes?”

“Can I move to live with Aunt Grace?”

Edwin looked at his sister with shell shock expression.

Their father took a slow sigh before nodding his head.

“Maybe it’s a good idea too. She’s living all alone in her apartment; she would gladly need some company. Despite having all the richness one could only hope for, she has no companionship.”

“Jie, why must you leave this house and live with other people? This is your home you know? This is where your heart belongs.”

Meiyee turned and glared at her younger brother with the looks to kill.

“Ah Boy, what do you call this?”

She pointed to the messy living room and kitchen filled with groceries and necessity from the shop below.
“You call this a home? You call this dirty old place your home?”

Meiyee stood up.

“No matter how hard I tried to clean up this place, it’s useless. You can’t clean up an old place… every time there’s only stack of can food lying here and there. I’m so sick and tired of this place”

Edwin looked at her.

“Jie, it’s not where you live that’s call a home. It’s who you live with that make up a home.”

“I think we should have sold this dirty old place a long time ago. Maybe we could move into a flat where each of us will have our own rooms”

There was a loud bang from the table before Meiyee could finish her sentence.

“You can pack your bags and leave but don’t ever insult this shop, this house. This is the creation of both me and your mother. Without this shop there won’t even be any of you here.”

“But Ah Pa, you can’t manage the shop any longer, why can’t you just give up and live on another source living?”

Meiyee knew there’s no turning back.

“Jie, stop it. I think you are going too far”
Edwin couldn’t bear to hear another word from his own sister.

“Me being too far? Has anyone ever being considerate for me? Has anyone ever know how the hell I grew up with? I don’t even have any friends since primary school and secondary school. You know why?”

Meiyee turned her attention to her brother.

“Would you bring your friends up here? Where there’s nothing but junk? I have to study and do the house chores all by myself. All your dirty laundries I have to wash by hand just because we can’t even afford a washing machine.”

Edwin didn’t say a word more.
Meiyee was right, she was the one who did all the chores, wash all the clothes, ironed them and put everything in place.

“Pa… you know how sad I am just now when he told me that we can’t be together?”

Meiyee finally broke down and sat down on the chair.

“Pa… you know how much I loved him? You know what he told me just now? ‘Meiyee, we have different status and lifestyle. I don’t think we suit each other’”

Meiyee covered her head with both her hands as she wept uncontrollably across the dining table.

“Meiyee, I know… It’s my entire fault…”

Edwin’s father tapped to comfort his sobbing daughter before he went away to make a phone call.

“Why does it matter so much to people about how rich or poor they are? Don’t the rich eat more than three meals per day? Don’t they get sick? Aren’t we all the same…?”

Edwin uttered to himself as he watched his sister from the corner of the table.

“Aunt Grace said she would be delighted for you to stay with her. This sister of mine worked so hard for all the years and never had someone to take care of her. Meiyee, please help me take good care of her ok?”

Their father pat on Meiyee’s shoulder as he into the kitchen.

“Let’s cook a nice dinner for you tonight. Go and pack your stuffs, I told her you will go over after dinner.”

Meiyee rubbed her eyes.

“It’s ok Pa, I can go over anytime.”

“It’s ok… just go and pack your stuff.”
There was smile once again from their father.

Edwin walked over to his sister and passed her some wipes.
“Jie, I sincerely hope you will be happy.”

Edwin said as he walked slowly back to his room closing his door.

There was no much conversation during dinner time as the three of them seated across the dining table.

“Pa, don’t worry. I will still come back to help out the shop.”
Meiyee tried to start the conversation.

“It’s ok… just come back when you are free”

Meiyee left for their Aunt’s house after dinner, Edwin helped to clear the dishes and washed the utensils while his father did the laundry.

As Edwin lied down on his bed, he felt a sense of emptiness surrounding him for the first time. There were often many giggles and voices came from the living room as Meiyee would chat with her friends. There wasn’t any noise tonight and somehow it made the house looked empty because of this.

Edwin let out a sigh as he covered his blanket.

The emptiness was suddenly shattered by the melody of his mobile phone. A message was sent by Janet.

[What are you doing?]

[Trying to sleep I guess]

[Haha.. I guess you didn’t succeed, nice try anyway.]

[What are you doing then?]
Edwin questioned back.

[Trying to sleep too]
Came the reply.

[Hahaha… look who’s calling the kettle black]

[Oh Why can’t you sleep then?]

[I can’t sleep because it’s too quiet here, what about you?]
Edwin replied.

[I can’t sleep… because I’m thinking about you]

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密

Chapter 9

If I would to ask you this question today, how long do you’ll need to answer it?
Less than a fraction of a second? Ten minutes? Maybe even through hours of thinking that yield no answer?

We make friends with the places we go to, the people we meet and the activities we joined. So if I would to ask you…

“So who’s your best friend ever?”

Did her face popped out in your mind as you read the question? Did his voice suddenly come round your memories?

I would believe everyone’s best friend is the person whom you clicked the most in terms of interest and topics cohesiveness.

Was he the one who always stood up for you whenever you faced difficulties with the people around you? Was she the one who always know what you want for lunch and would always wait for you with an umbrella after school?

As we lean back and recall where and how we know our best friends in life, I’m pretty sure that thought would put a bright smile on your face.

For a child, the best friend comes in the form of similarities and bonding. The best friend will always do as well as like the same thing as me. Whenever I’m with my best friend, I would feel that time is as short as any other happy moments throughout my life.

As we grow older, our best friend became our source of support as we discovered how cruel this world is really is. We’ll always hope that our best friend would be around when we are shattered in total sadness in a rejection. He/she is also the person whom you would share some of the darkest secrets with and not forgetting certain unforgettable moments in life.

As we grew even older into adulthood and beyond, somehow we no longer associate each other as ‘best friends’. Men find it somewhat ‘gayish’ to address each other as ‘best friends’; buddy would be an appropriate term.

Every meet up for coffee session is being planned through a lot of hard work, as both of us will have our own commitments in our families and work. As soon as we meet up, all the good memories will be relive once more.

It’s funny to realize that a best friend sometimes know so much more about you than even your life partner and it’s this kind of mutual understanding for the both of you that could made the two of you strike a long hour of talking even after a long period of absence.

I’ll never forget who my best friend is.
In fact, I’ve never even asked him whether I’m his best friend or not.
I guess all these don’t make a difference anymore because I know if he has anything in need, I will surely try my best to help him.

So who’s your best friend?

Have you got your answer?

I hope you already had that answer in your mind all along….

The sound of alarm ran across the house as the beginning of another day unfolds. It was half past five in the morning and everything was quiet and dark except for the streetlights.
Edwin opened his eyes and tried to search for his alarm clock.

“Darkness made everything look so hopeless in this world.”
Edwin finally found the clock as he got up from bed.

His sister and he had decided to help out with their father over the weekends so that their uncle could rest. They will work on alternate days so that each of them can have their own time for themselves as well. Today was Edwin’s ‘duty’ to help out as he stretched himself.

Edwin walked out to the kitchen and found a half boiled egg with pepper and soya sauce on the dining table. Beside it was a cup of hot brewed Milo and a piece of white bread.

“How many more eggs do I have to eat?”

Edwin yawned as he dragged himself to the toilet to wash up before he had his breakfast.

Edwin’s father was the first to go down to the shop and prepares for the coming day. As they got ready for the morning crowd, the morning sun too slowly climbed itself to awakening. Darkness was no longer there as rays of sunlight shone upon the greenery beyond.

Edwin climbed down the wooden stairs to the shop and helped his father with the shutters.
After that he slowly moved out the boxes of onions, potato and other groceries on the shelves outside the shop.

It looks to be a beautiful Sunday morning as Edwin stared at the sky.

“I wonder how many people actually see the whole process of sun rise.”
Edwin wondered as he moved out the boxes of groceries.

“Ah boy, you finished the half boiled egg?”

Edwin nodded silently.

“Good… boys like your age must eat more eggs.”

“Ok Ah pa… but why must it be half boiled?”

“Because that’s what your Ah gong feeds me!”

“Orh…”
Edwin couldn’t find another reason to revoke.

“Now go upstairs get some soya sauce to replenish”
His dad ordered as he predicted the demand.

The shop was ready for business by seven and gangs of housewives walked past the shop and stop by to get newspapers and other ingredients for their dinner.

As Edwin came down with a few bottles of soya sauce, he heard some commotion in the shop.

“Aiyoh, how come this ketchup cost $2.60?”
One of the housewives demanded an explanation from his father.

“Mrs Chew, our ketchup has been selling at this price. There’s no increase.”
Edwin’s father smiled as he tried to pacify the angry customer.

“No no, you know the supermarket over at the interchange? They are only selling it at $2.30; moreover they have the latest stock which is 15% size bigger than yours.”

“Really? I guess I have to check with my supplier.”

“Aiyah, why don’t you sell me at two dollars?”
The housewife tried to pick a bargain.

“I’m sorry but all our prices are fixed. We have never increase price unnecessarily throughout the years.”

“Ok what about $2.30? Same price with the supermarket?”
She counter offered.

“Mrs Chew, tell you what. I will sell it at $2.30, not because the supermarket is selling at this price but as gratitude of your support for so many years.”

That statement put a smile on her face as she walked around the shop to get more stuffs.

“Thanks Mrs Chew, see you next week”
Edwin’s father ushered her way out of the shop.

Edwin was observing every moment between his father and the lady customer.
His father turned and called out to him.

“Son…”

“Yes Ah Pa?”

“You know why I had to give in?”
Edwin shook his head.

His father smiled and explained.

“The first business of the day is very important. If you failed to make a deal on the first customer, your business for the day will be bad.”

“Really? Who told you that?”

His father shook his head.

“Everyone that has his own business will know that my boy.”

“But that’s just plain superstition”
Edwin replied.

“Every saying will have its reasons. People won’t say things just because they feel like saying it. People say things because of certain situations, thoughts and decision before they say. Just take it as a lesson in future; these are things which you can’t learn in school you know?”

Edwin keep nodding his head in agreement as he thought of the events that took place the day earlier.

Sunday morning was perhaps the busiest of all the other time, other day, as everybody seems to be out enjoying the morning Sunday. Both Edwin and his father worked tirelessly throughout the morning.


“Win, Ah Pa… lunch is ready”
Edwin’s sister shouted from the flat above.

“Oh it’s almost noon… how fast”
Edwin’s father exclaimed as he wiped his dirty hands with his singlet.

“Ah Pa, you go up and eat first”
Edwin suggested filially as his father had done more work.

“Ok… I’ll get your sister down to help you.”
His father slowly made his way up the stairs with a little limp.

“The joints must be hurting again.”
Edwin thought as he looked helplessly at his aging father.

Edwin’s sister came down as instructed.

“What happened to you yesterday?”

“My friend’s father admitted to hospital yesterday so I accompanied her for a while.”

“Did I hear wrongly?”
His sister was somewhat surprised with the reply.

“Huh? Yeah he got a heart attack so we had to rush to the hospital as soon as we heard the news.”

“No no no. That’s not what I meant.”

“Then?”

“My dear brother, you were with a girl whole day yesterday?”

“Ehhh…”
Edwin felt a sudden rushed of embarrassment like he never felt before.

“Oh my god.. you are blushing!!! Who’s the girl?”

Edwin knew he was no match for his sister.

“Jie, just a classmate lah.”

“Don’t bluff!”
His sister tried to dig more information from him but was stopped by the ringing of her mobile phone.

“You have to tell me all about it later!”
His sister turned and walked away as she picked up the phone.

Edwin continued to stack the arrays of items and took some dried fish out to get the afternoon sun.

It was all quiet when his sister walked back to him.

“Jie, you ok?”

She tried to smile but it broke before her eyes were redden.

“Oh my god, Jie what happened to you?
Edwin put away his stuffs and rushed to her.

“Nothing…”
She fought bravely to hold back the tears that lingered.

“Am I too young to understand again?”

His sister shook her head.

“Then please tell me?”

She shook her head once more.

“It’s nothing… I’ve said it…”

“Ok… please let me know if you want to.”
Edwin gave a pat on her shoulder.

*How can you not accept me just because I’m poor?*

“Huh? Jie, What did you say?”
Edwin was rather shock to hear that statement.

“I said nothing.”

“but I heard you saying something just now?”

“What did I say?”
His sister too became curious.

“You said about someone not accepting you just because you are …..poor….”

Edwin got a slap from his sister instantly before he could even finish the sentence.

“How can you eavesdrop my phone conversation?”

Edwin held up his cheek in total shock.

“but I didn’t…”

“It’s ok, it’s no deal also. Anyway I knew it all along. We are different from other people.”

His sister turned her back against him and sobs quietly.

“People can dine outside as much as they want. They can buy the latest mobile phone and personal computers. What do we have? This old shop that can’t even hold itself together.”

“but Jie, this shop is our birth place.”

“I don’t care, I can’t take it anymore. Everyone laughs at me in school just because I can’t afford to go outing with them. The guy I like rejects me because he thinks I’m going after his money. Poverty sucks totally and I might as well kill myself.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of them as Edwin could not find any other words of comfort to justify his sister’s anger.

“Am I giving the two of you a hard life?”

Both Edwin and his sister looked up.

It was their father who came down the stairs.

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密




Chapter 8




Are you an outward person or do you prefer to keep things to yourself? Do you smile very often as you work or study?

There are people who I’ve met who are always happy and never fail to share their happiness with anyone around them. To these people, happiness is lighting up the spirit of the person who is next to you.

Unfortunately, these are only a small fraction of the people I know. The rest are well, less happy about their life.

A big pool of people I know told me it is a lot easier to be sad than to be happy. Life is miserable they say, every day living is a torturing feat they feel.

Waking up each day thinking about yesterday’s problems, then you will likely to face today’s problems and before you know it, you are already thinking about tomorrow’s problem.

You are just so sick about life because you feel that life is nothing but doing repeated task everyday and of no significant meaning.

But have you ever realized that despite all the same task that you are doing each day, everyday is different?

You can take the same route to school but you will meet different people, there will be different things happening in school. Your friends might cracked a new joke which made you knees weak, your teacher might be sick and the whole class would erupted with joy.

You can take the same bus to work but you would realized the girl whom you eyes always glanced is wearing something different today?
There may be different things happening in the workplace as you might get a new colleague or a new boss.

As you lay down on you bed and recall, take a step backwards and ask yourself this question?

Did you made someone sad today?

I believe there are times in our life where we will say or do things that hurt others. The worst thing that could happen is when we don’t even realize what we’ve said or done wrongly.
We will only feel the sadness that cast upon us but never realized how much sadness we inflicted onto others.

If you did, you should apologize…

Finally, what is happiness & sadness to me?

It is after all, how we choose to think.

You can choose to be happy everyday, if you think everyday life is an exciting and happy process.








The faint moon light casted upon a shadow that lurked upon the darkness, quietly waiting for the desire one to appear. An hour had just past from his descend from the flat above.

The shadow then heard some sound coming towards his direction.

“Damn… I think I brought too much stuffs”

The shadow moved towards his objective.

“Janet?”

Janet turned many times as she was shocked by the calling.

“Who’s there?”
She thought for a moment and found the voice familiar.

“Adrian?”

Adrian walked towards the lift.

“Yeah… It’s me.”

“Oh my… You sure freak me out.”
Janet let out a faint smile.

“Hey… I heard about your dad from Jolynn. Is he ok?”

“Oh… he’s fine but has to stay in hospital for observations though. That’s why I can sleepover at Jolynn’s place without anyone bugging me.”

“It’s great to hear that your father’s fine.”
Adrian wasn’t sure how to get on to the conversation.

“Hey… you came down all the way just to ask me this question?”
Janet shot him.

“Yeah… as soon as I heard from Jolynn that your father is hospitalized I was so worried but I didn’t know what to do… so I just came here to ask you everything.”

Janet patted on his shoulder.

“Thanks, I really appreciate that.”

Adrian kept his head down.
“It’s nothing really…”

“Well I gotta go upstairs, Jolynn is waiting for me.”
Janet turned her back against him and started to walk off.

“Janet?”

“Huh?”
Janet turned but was shocked that Adrian held on to her hand.

“Do I still have a chance?”

Both of them exchanged glances.

“I… I don’t get you.”
Janet shook his hand off.

“Janet, you should know you’ve always been the one I’m waiting for.”

“Adrian, I don’t know… and I don’t want to know anything about it.”

“Why can’t you just give me a chance?”

“Because I don’t trust you…”

“Have you ever tried giving me a chance to trust me for once?”
Adrian pleaded.

“I….”
Janet could not hide her feelings towards Adrian any longer.

“Please trust me?”

“I have to go…”
Janet turned and walked as fast as she could, leaving Adrian behind.
She stepped into the lift and pressed the buttons immediately.

Jolynn was waiting outside her flat when Janet reached.

“Hey gal, what took you so long?”

“Nothing… I couldn’t make up my mind what stuffs to pack.”

“Heehee, you are really funny. You’re only staying here for a few nights but you looked as if you are going to stay here for good!”

Jolynn cheekily said as helped carry her bags.

“Oh yeah, I certainly wished I could stay here for good!”
Janet replied as they entered the bedroom.

“You want any snacks? Let me see if there’s any cake left in the fridge. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable?”

Jolynn walked out before Janet could reply.

Janet laid her stuffs at the corner of the room and roamed around. It wasn’t her first time at Jolynn’s place but things sure looked different when you are staying over at someone’s place.

Janet noticed a towel lying on the floor near the bed. Janet picked it up and looked strangely at the towel.

“Janet, I brought you some cakes”
Jolynn entered the room with her eyes startled.

“Jolynn, this towel…”
Jolynn grabbed the towel from Janet before she could ask anything.

“Those are my cousin’s towel!”
Jolynn put up a huge smile on her face.

“Oh? Your cousin was here just now? The towel seemed wet.”

“Yeah… He always drops by our house to take a shower after his game at the nearby sports hall. It’s so embarrassing. ”

Both the gals just giggled at each other.
Janet finished her snack as the two of them watched a sad movie together. It was over 2am when they finally decided to sleep.

As Janet lay beside Jolynn, she looked out at the clear sky from the window.

“Jol?”
“Yeah Jan?”

“How do you know if you are in love with someone?”

Jolynn thought for a moment as she closes her eyes.

“When you are prepared to sacrifice anything for that person, you will know he’s the one that you love.”

“So love is all about sacrificing?”
Janet turned and looked at Jolynn.

“I guess so… that’s what the show always end up doesn’t it? The guy or the gal will have to give up something for the ones they love”
Jolynn replied.

“What if you were the only party that is sacrificing?”
Janet asked.

“What if he… does not sacrifice anything for you at all? Is this still call love?”
Janet continued.

“If you really love that someone, will you even let the person sacrifice for you?”
Jolynn shot back Janet.

“I guess not… but if I don’t let him sacrifice for me, how do I know if he really loves me?”

“Come on Janet, we are only fourteen year old girls… how much do we know about love?”
Jolynn seemed to lose her interest in the discussion before she continued.

“Jan, I guess when you love someone, you will sacrifice for him and will not let him sacrifice for you. If he does love you in return, he will do the same thing. When both of you have so much thought for each other and prevent each other from sacrificing... then no one will be hurt after all….”

There was a long pause for the two girls are both of them were in deep thoughts.

“I guess you are right Jol.”

“Yeah… I hope I’m right too…”

“I… saw Adrian just now…”
Janet spoke with a soft voice.

“Jan, you still love him right?”
Jolynn asked.

“I don’t know…”

“You can tell me… am I not your best friend?”

“I’m very happy when I’m with him… He is a very nice and caring person but…”

“But?”

“But… I don’t know whether I will sacrifice for him and whether he will do the same thing for me or not.”

“Jan… don’t think too much ok? If you think he’s the right person then he’s probably is the one”
Jolynn consoled her.

“I just wanna sleep for now…”
That was the last sentence Janet said before she fell into a deep sleep. All the even that happened today has almost drained all her resources.

Jolynn pulled up the blanket and cover Janet. She then stared at the ceiling thinking few hours ago.

---------------------------

“Jol… can I come over to your place?”
The voice of the receiver was low and husky.

“Adrian.. Is that you?”

“Yeah it’s me… can you open the door?”

Jolynn was shocked by the reply and went to the door immediately.
“Adrian, why are you here?”

“I… just don’t know where else to go to…”

“You are full of alcohol smell.. Oh my god, why were you drinking? You are not even reached the legal age for drinking.”

Jolynn helped Adrian to her room to avoid waking her parents up.

“I’ll get you a towel…”

There were tears that fell from the edge of his eyes as Jolynn wiped his face.

Jolynn moved herself closer to his face.

“I’m so sad… no one bothers about me.”
Adrian cried out softly.

“No… I’m here…. I bothered about you…”

Jolynn laid a peck on his cheek as she wiped his face.

Suddenly Adrian hugged her and the peck lead to a passionate kiss between the two of them as they started petting.

The sound of the mobile phone interrupted their passion and prevented further advancement.

“Hey Jol…. What took you so long?”

“Oh… eh… nothing I was in the bathroom”
Jolynn tried to catch her breath.

“I’m coming after I packed my stuffs… let’s have a memorable gal’s night later!”

“Sure….see you later…”
Jolynn put down the phone and turn her attention to Adrian who was wearing back his shirt.

“Jolynn… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have”

Jolynn looked at him.
“It wasn’t your fault… but can I ask you a question Adrian?”

“Huh?”

“What does Janet have that I don’t?”

“Nothing… both of you are as pretty and out-going”

“Then why do you only liked her? What about me? Am I not even in your heart a single second?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about… but I need to make a move…”

Adrian walked out of the room and left her house.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

“What is it you have that I don’t?”

Jolynn let out a sigh as she continued her long series of thoughts.

Finally there was a conclusion.

“If there’s something that I cannot get… I will make sure no one else gets it…not even my best friend…”

[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密



Chapter 7



What does it matters to you when you realize you’ve lost your mobile phone one day?

The value of the phone which you’ve saved so hard to buy?
The sentimental value of the phone which was bought by someone special?
The pictures inside the phone which you failed to back up?
The long list of contacts inside your phonebook which you failed to remember all?

Whatever it may be, there will always a reason to be sad over the things that you’ve lost.

I have a friend who came to me feeling disgusted over the lost of his mobile phone. I asked him what the reason was that he was so sad about.
He replied that he was mad because of the long list of contacts inside his phonebook.
I laughed at him and ask him why he didn’t write it down somewhere like the good old days where mobile phone wasn’t affordable.

“It’s so troublesome…”
he replied.

“Didn’t we use to remember each other’s home number by hard last time? Has Technology crippled your memorizing power?”
I questioned to his silence.

I decided to rub it further to his wound.

“So how many of contacts you have in your phonebook?”

“A few hundreds... from secondary school friends, army friends, school mates, ex-colleagues and current colleagues.”
He replied feeling a sense of accomplishment on his network.

“When was the last time you’ve called all of them?”

That accomplishment look suddenly turned into frown.
He tried not to answer me but it was all clear, he hardly called anyone.

“So what does it means to you that you’ve lost their contacts since you won’t call them up anyway?”

He looked back at me feeling lost.

“If they are your true friends, then they will call you one day won’t they?”

He nodded and didn’t complain a word since.

Let me challenge you to a mini-game on your mobile phone.
First, think of a number between 1 to maybe 150.
Key the number you want and press ‘#’ then call.

(This should work on Nokia/SonyEricsson phone but others phone need to verify)

This will route to the SIM Card slot in your SIM Card memory and by chance you won’t know who it is.

Once you made the dial, don’t hang up but talk to the person who answered the phone. The person could be someone whom you’ve just waved goodbye or someone you’ve never spoken for a few years.

Talk and tell him/her about your life and this little mobile game which you’ve learned.

Most importantly… tell him/her

“You’ll always be a good friend of him/hers in years to come!”





The night was hot & humid as two person sat across the bed with back facing each other… It had been a long time since the two last talked to each other. Finally the wife couldn’t hold the cold war any longer.

“David… Let’s end this altogether shall we?”

There was no response from the guy who stood up and walked towards a book shelve.

“How long do you think I can endure this?”
The woman raised her voice across the room.

The man took out a book and went back to the bed totally ignoring the woman’s plead.

“Ok David, I give up I give up… Yes…I admit… I admit I’m seeing someone outside.”
The woman covered her face shamefully.

“But it’s all because you are always working and working and neglecting me!”

The man flipped open the book which was an album containing several photos of the two of them together.

Finally the husband laid his eyes on his once beloved wife.

“So… What do you expect me to say?”
The man finally spoke as he cleared his throat.

“I…. I don’t know…”

“The man whom you mention…. His name’s Jason?”
The man continued flipping the album.

“How… did…you?”
The woman was totally speechless.

The man let out a big sigh.

“Hmmm…. Even though I’m a workaholic, there are things which can’t escape my observations & instinct.”

“Please….”
The woman plead with her redden eyes.

“You know, you used to be a very pretty lady. I believe the charm didn’t dessert you after all these years after all.”
The man closed the album.

“Please don’t let our girl know, I beg you.”
The woman cling her hands onto him.

“I ought to be very angry, you know. But somehow I didn’t, in fact I finally found the answer I’m searching so for long. Didn’t our oath mean anything to you fifteen years ago?”

The woman didn’t answer.

“What else do you think we are going to tell Janet? That her mother ran away with another man?”

“NO! Please! Don’t! My daughter will hate me.”
The woman couldn’t bear her emotions any further.

“Go as far as you can, I don’t want to see you and him in my life ever again.”
The man stood up and walked out of the room.

And so the oath that once made by a lovely couple ended in a bitter divorce. The legal issues took a few months to sort out and Janet only knew of it on the day of custody settlement.

David won the custody of Janet as Margaret didn’t fight for it.

“I hate you! You monster! You drove Mummy away!”
Janet cursed at her father the day after the settlement.

“If you think it’s my fault then so be it but this is no way to speak to your father.”
David replied with a tight slap on her tender cheek.

“You Jerk! I will remember this day!!! I’ll curse you everyday!!”
Janet wailed as she was pulled back to her father’s car.

Margaret stood afar as she watched her daughter kicking and beating her father.

“I’m sorry Janet….”
A drop of tear edged from the corner of her eye.

“Don’t worry; we’ll live a new life from today onwards.”
A pair of hands wrapped round her waist and accompanied her walking different directions from David’s car.


The dark clouds came and covered the surrounding space. Within moments, rain came and poured from the sky. Lightning and thunder completed the beginning of a long downpour.

The room was quiet except for the beeping sound of the medical devices and the rain outside.

“It’s been exactly one year already…”
Janet looked at the thunderstorm outside.

Few hours had past since Janet’s father was rushed to the hospital. He was revived by the doctors in the nick of time and had passed through the critical stages. He was then transferred to a single ward but not waken up.

“One year to what?”
Edwin suddenly felt curious as he sat patiently by the chair.

“One year since my mum left me…”

“Oh….”
Edwin paused for a long moment as he looked at Janet staring at the window.

“Janet?”

“Yeah?”
Janet didn’t turn her head towards him.

“Why do you hate your father so much?”
Edwin asked.

“Huh? Why I hate him? Because he tore us up. That’s why.”

“If your mother loved him that much, why would she leave him because of his workaholic habits?”

Edwin’s question shot through the cold air like a stinging arrow. It swirled and pierced Janet’s heart completely.

Janet turned and stared blankly at Edwin.
“Why…. I don’t know…”

“Did you ever ask your father?”

Janet shook her head.

“Why don’t you ask him? Maybe there’s more than that? I don’t know…”

“Win, would you leave your wife because of her bad habits one day?”

Edwin thought deep before he answered.

“I guess I won’t. I always thought loving someone is accepting her most original self? But if she does something which I don’t like, I will let her know. I will give her time to change and I will wait but I’ll never leave her because of that…That’s just me…”

Their conversation was interrupted with a coughing sound from the background. Janet went outside to get a nurse to verify her father’s condition leaving Edwin in the room.

Her father stared at him.

“What’s your name? *Cough Cough*”

“Ehh… Hello Uncle, My name is Edwin…”
Edwin replied shyly.

“Edwin, you are a very smart boy.”
Her father’s stared broke loose with a smile on his face.

“I’m sorry Uncle… I don’t get you.”

“I didn’t expect someone at your age will ask Janet that question on why her mother would leave me because of my workaholic habit. *Cough, cough* properly she is too immature to understand what happen between me and her mother.”

“Uncle, you heard our conversation just now?”
Her father nodded.

“Yeah… I had a dream. A dream about our bitter divorce and when I woke up, I heard you asking that question. *cough*”

“Uncle, you just woke up… you should not talk so much.”

A doc and few nurses came and examine Janet’s father as Edwin was retreated to a corner. He saw the look of her worried face and let out a smile from the corner.

“So how is he?”
Janet asked the doctor.

“Don’t worry, he should be fine. We will arrange for more scans tomorrow. He will have to be warded for a few days for observations.”

The rain had started to stop as the frown on her face was finally wiped off.

“Win, I need to go home and bring him some of his clothes. Can you accompany me?”

Janet walked out of the room before Edwin could answer. Edwin looked at her father before he went out and both of them smile at each other.

It was nearly nine when Janet finally settled the necessity for her father in ward. She decided to stay over at her friend’s place since her father was unable to restrict her movements.

“Win, I give you a lift back?”
Janet asked as both of them walked out of the hospital.

“It’s ok, we are going different directions. It’s still early; I can take the bus and train.”
Edwin rejected the offer.

“Thanks Edwin, I won’t know what to do today if you won’t there for me.”
Janet suddenly jumped up and gave him a tight hug.

Edwin’s face was completely blushed and his heartbeat nearly stopped.

*Thanks… for asking that question…*

“Huh?”
Edwin suddenly froze.

Janet let go and looked at him.

“What? Aiyo! Why your face so red???”
Edwin held his cheek and tried to hide the fact of his blushes.

Janet couldn’t hide her amusement and let go of her laughter.

“Edwin… you never been hugged by a girl before?”
Edwin lowered his head and shook.

Janet stood up and walked towards him.
“You are so cute! Come; let me give you another hug…”

Edwin tried to dodge but was still caught by her.

“This is for helping me in my Math Test. Thanks!”

The two of them stood there for a few minutes until her ringing phone broke the ordeal. Edwin sent her back on a cab before he walked towards the bus stop.

The clock chimes strung eleven times when Edwin opened the door. His father was reading the Chinese newspaper.

“Pa… you still awake? Waiting for me? I’m sorry.”
Edwin was guilty that it was way past his normal curfew.

His father put down the newspaper and smiled.

“It’s ok, as long as I see you back. I won’t mind waiting. You had dinner?”

“Dinner? Oh no!!! We never even had our dinner yet!”
Edwin then felt his stomach trembled.

“What happened huh? Let me cook something for you. You go take a shower first.”

Edwin was half eating his noodles and half trying to explain the whole day event to his father.

His father just sat beside him and smile.

“Pa?”
Edwin stopped munching his noodles.

“Yeah?”

“You think Ah Ma will leave you because we are poor?”

“Of course not!”
His father defended.

“Why not?”

“Because we are poor in the beginning! If she would leave me, why would she marry to me in the first place?”

“That’s what I think too!”

“Silly boy, quickly finish up your noodles and go to bed! It’s nearly midnight.”

-----------------------------

It was eleven on the taxi when Janet reached Jolynn’s void deck.

“Damn... I think I brought too much stuffs”
Janet ranted as she carried a sling bag and another hand held as she waited for the lift.

“Janet?”

Janet heard a voice and tried to find the source…

“Adrian?”

“Yeah…. It’s me…”


[To be Cont]

Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密


Chapter 6


The two of you were quiet as there was nothing much to say over an incident that nobody wanted. You could sense that something, somewhere, somehow is wrong when you looked at her.

As you look at the person in front of you, she did not say a word but just kept her head down. Suddenly you heard some sniffing sound as you saw her tears start flowing down from her cheek.

How did you felt at the moment?
A tingling feeling right inside your heart perhaps?

There could also be this sense of awkwardness that ran through you as you continued to look at her reddish eyes. You tried to ask her what happened but there was none replied.

How did you felt when the girl whom you liked cried in front of you?

I would say it’s one of the most painful feelings that could happen to anyone. You would feel helpless as there’s nothing you think you could do to help her.

Somehow you would always ask yourself whether you are the reason which she is crying about.

Was it something I said? Was it something I’ve done?

Guys with their rational mind and attitude will always look into the deepest truth to understand why his mate cried. If there’s a problem then we should resolve it. If there’s a mistake then we must correct it, they say.

How often do we find ourselves trying too hard to solve a problem that linked to a series of misconception?

If you ask me what I would do in front of her.
I would probably wait… and then hand her a piece of tissue.

I won’t ask her why she is crying. It’s not the reason that made her cry that matters; it’s the attention that you gave her that she is yearning about.

And I would probably tell her… “Don’t worry, I’m here.”





“So… what is it that you want to show me?”
Edwin walked closer to the pond.

The pond looked rather old and natural. From the looks of it, it didn’t look as if there was anyone maintaining it.

Edwin was surprised to see a pond in the middle of a park or in his sense the surrounding trees made it looked like they were in the middle of a jungle.

“I bet you never know such place exist right?”
Janet looked at her frightened friend.

“Yeah…”
Edwin walked towards her as both of them sat near the edge of the pond.

“I used to come here when I was young… with my mum”

“Uhuh…”
Edwin nodded.

“My mum would bring me here during the weekends, just the two of us.”
Janet looked at the pond.

“She would sit there and recite stories to me throughout the day where the trees practically shade us from the sun.”

“It must have been really nice”
Edwin too looked at the pond and pondered.

“You know why she brought me here?”
Janet suddenly asked.

Edwin shook his head.

“She once told me that this is the place where he proposed to her. It was the happiest day of her life.”

Edwin paused for a moment and sat down beside her.


“Everything changes when he was promoted to Director; he seems to care more about his work than us. He always come back after ten and hardly speaks a word to my mum before turning to bed.”

“Maybe he has his own stress at work?”

“I don’t know, I only know it’s wrong to ignore the one you love. No matter how tired you are, the tiredness will be gone the moment you see your love ones.”

Edwin looked down.

“Perhaps that’s the reason why his father was always smiling when both his sister & him comes back from school.”

“Tell me more about your mum?”
Edwin sudden suggestion led to Janet’s surprise.

“I… I just want to know how it feels to have a mum”

“Edwin, I’m sorry.”
Janet took a deep breath.

“It’s ok, just tell me”

“Most people I know are closer to their mothers than their fathers. Maybe mothers are natural care givers who constantly watch you grow. Their job is not only to feed and dress you when you were young. They watch over our every move as you grow. They beat and scold you when you do the wrong things and yet every beating hurts them more than you.”

Janet took a pause to look at Edwin who stared at the pond before continued.

“Mothers always tell you what is right and what is wrong and they always expect you to follow their rules…”

“They would always tell you that you won’t know how they feel till the day you become a parent yourself. This is what my mum used to tell me.”

“She’s like a good friend, a confider whom I have absolute trust in telling her everything about what happen in school, which guy I had a crush on and how my friends treat me unfairly and no matter how many times I complain to her, she would always listen readily.”

Janet stopped talking as she could not control her own emotions.

“Jan, you ok?”
Edwin looked at her.

He was shocked to find her whole body trembling and shivering. Before he moved closer, Janet let out a wail and burst out crying.

Edwin wasn’t sure what to do next.

“Was it my fault to make her cry like this? It’s all my fault…” Were the thoughts that circulated his mind as he looked on.

There was a sudden reaction in him that prompted him to move closer to Janet and wrapped his hands over her shoulders.

Janet just lay on his shoulders and continued crying.

“I really missed her… really really missed her and I really really hate him so much for ruin this family.”

“It’s ok, I’m here…. Don’t worry.”
Edwin patted her back as she smothered.

After a while, Janet had calmed down and she held her head up.

“Feeling better?”
Edwin asked.

Janet just nodded and that brought a smile to his face.

“Janet, Can you promise me something?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t cry in front of me again.”

Janet was taken aback by the request.

“Why?”
“Because I just don’t like to see people cry. I love to see every one of them happy in front of me. If you have any problems, you can tell me I will surely help you.”

Edwin smiled.

“You are so heartless and lack of emotions”
Janet smacked his head as she stood up and moved on.

“Let’s go somewhere else.”

“Ok…”

Edwin stood up and brushed himself.

“Don’t cry in front of me…. because it hurts me so much every time I see a tear dropped from your eyes…. It hurts even more when I’m the one who made you cried.”

Janet stole a glance at Edwin who was clumsily following behind as they walked out of the forested areas.

“Thank you… Nobody has ever said that to me…”

The two of them walked out and took a bus.

“Let’s go shopping!”
Janet pressed the signal for alighting.

“Shouldn’t we do some revision?”
Edwin pointed to his bag.

Janet glared at him.
“You say you’ll help me with anything right?”

“Yes…?”

“I want to shop now!”
Janet folded her arms.

“Ok… but we have to revise after you get your stuffs ok?”

Janet was busily trying out clothes, shoes, bags, cosmetics, wallets, dress, accessories, more shoes, more bags and practically everything that can be put on a girl.

Edwin was carrying her bag for her as she tried on her stuffs.
There was a loud melody ringing through her bag.

“Hey Jan, I think there’s a call incoming”

“Can you take a look who is calling?”
Janet was still in the changing room.

Edwin found her phone.

“The number is not inside your phonebook.”

“Then help me answer it will you? Damn I’ve grow fatter.”

“Hello?”

“Janet, this is Elane, your father’s in hospital now! He suffered a heart attack.”

“Sorry can you repeat that?”
Edwin wanted to make sure.

“Who are you? Did I call the wrong number?”
Elane was shocked by the male voice at the receiving end.

“No no. I’m Janet’s friend. She is busy now so she asked me to answer this call on her behalf.”

“Then ask her to go to SGH A&E now!! The doctors are still trying to revive him. Just bring her come at once. I will call again.”

Elane hung up before Janet came out of the changing room.

“Damn… I think I have to go on diet. So who called?”
Janet walked out with a dissatisfied look on her face.

“Janet, Elane just call. Your dad is in SGH now. I think he suffered a heart attack and they are still trying to revive him”

The clothes fell onto the floor as Janet took the news with a stunned reaction.

Both of them rushed out of the shopping center and managed to hitch a cab easily as it was not rush hour. Inside the cab, Janet was all stone and speechless as the taxi along the expressway.

Edwin held onto her cold hands and tried to calm her down.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen.”

Janet didn’t say anything but just keep looking out of the window.

“I’ve no feelings for this guy.”
Janet suddenly spoke.

Edwin looked at her in shocked but never dare asked her why she meant that. He was her father after all.

There were total silent for the next few minutes.

Edwin was still holding her hands as it started to tremble. There was a sudden voice in his head as he looked the worrying face of Janet.

** Dad… Please don’t leave me…**

“Janet…”

“Yeah?”

“Did you say something just now?”
Edwin asked as he was 100% sure he heard that statement.

“Nope…Why?”

“Nothing…”
Edwin too broke out in cold sweat as they arrived in the hospital.

“What took you so long?”
Elane called out to them as soon as she saw them arriving.

“What’s his situation now?”
Janet asked impatiently.

“I don’t know… doctors are still inside with him.”

“Shit! How did all these thing happen?”
Janet kicked a chair and created a commotion.

“Relax… relax… cool down…”
Edwin grabbed her hands…

** Dad, I’ll promise to be a good girl…. Please pull through… **
It was the same voice again…


[To be Cont]