Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密 Chapter 15
Hi, can I tell you something?
Can you promise not to tell anyone?
Why?
Because it’s a secret.
I believe a lot of us grew up listening to this sentence.
It was so common during our younger days when we felt that secrets were something which is very special and should not be told to another person unnecessarily.
Instead, our secrets were traded.
"I’ll only tell you my secret if you tell me yours, first”
To our young and innocent minds, we often believed that secrets we said will not be told to another person. How wrong we were.
As we grew older, we don’t believe in that anymore.
We will feel that a secret is something which we will only tell certain people.
Perhaps we would only let our parents, our love ones or a very best friend know.
There are times however we realized that even our very best friends would not keep the secret that we entrusted to them.
We felt the hurt when someone else came to us asking about it.
As we entered adulthood, our secrets became a very personal thing.
These secrets are something which might has happened to us a long time ago. It could have been something unpleasant, something that we don’t want to rake it up all over again. It could have been a past relationship which you would not want your present partner to know.
For whatever reason it may be, we won’t really want to talk about it.
And so we sealed & locked our secrets away, buried deep inside our hearts.
Fearing that we do not have the courage to face it.
As more secrets were buried, our hearts slowly become a hurt locker waiting yearning for attention.
Over a while, we tend to forget about them and move on with life.
Until something happened that made us think back and pondered over the secrets that we buried deep.
What sort of secrets do you have?
Will you tell someone or will you bring it to you grave?
Will you smile knowing that it’s safe because no one else knows about it.
All of us have secrets, deep inside our hearts.
We kept them deep not because we don’t want anyone to find out, we are only waiting for the right person to tell…
“Dad?”
The silence broke as they were walking out to the taxi stand.
“yeah?” Janet’s father replied.
“You sure you can help me keep an eye on him?” Janet asked
“Sure, he will be alright” Her father reassured her.
“Promised to sms me if he wakes up?”
“Well, you ought to have a good rest you know. You have classes tomorrow?”
“No… promise me…” Janet rise out her hand showing her last finger.
Janet’s father was caught by her actions.
“Even though you had broken the promise once…”
It was something that they would do when she was a little girl.
“Daddy, promise me that you will love me and mummy always”
A little Janet would always ask her father to cross his last finger with her, he never really understand why is there a need. After he crossed his fingers, Janet would run in joy to her mother’s side.
“Mummy, Daddy promised with his pinky!”
Her mother will kiss her last finger to acknowledge the promise, the promise she deemed broken the day when they were divorced.
He smiled as he looked at his daughter. It’s been a while since the last time he had a good look at her. She certainly takes after her mother and had already grown up so much.
No matter how old she is, she will always remain as Daddy’s little girl.
He never really broken his pinky promise as he never stopped loving the two of them.
“Alright, I will sms you the first moment he wakes up”
He raised his last finger to make the cross.
“First, I would need to settle my admission here. I requested to be discharged so that I can readmit here in SGH. They still need to run some ECG scan tomorrow to confirm I’m alright”
A taxi arrived the moment they reached the stand.
“Dad, please take care of yourself”
He smiled as she got in.
“If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you ensure I study hard and lock me in?”
Janet looked into his eyes.
His smiled got wider.
“I will….”
His eyes looked upon the taxi as it drove off towards the exit.
It was way past midnight when Janet’s father came back wearing the patient’s attire.
The corridor was cold and quiet as the two men stood outside the Intensive Care Unit room.
Edwin’s father kept staring at Edwin in hoping for a slightest response while Janet’s father was looking through his mobile phone for work updates.
“Sir… I just want to say thank you”
Janet’s father was taken aback by the breaking of the silence.
“Sorry Sir, I’m not an educated man, I don’t know what other words I can used to express my thanks for contacting me and sending me here”
Edwin’s father looked at him with his eyes reddened.
Janet’s father gave a pat on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it”
“Mr, you can go home actually, I’ll be fine here with my son”
Edwin’s father felt a little bit guilty.
“Oh it’s ok; I’ve already transferred here from SGH. In fact I’m still under observation for my recent heart attack. The doctors helped to arrange for me to transfer here so that they can conduct more test tomorrow”
“I’m sorry that I have to bother you”
Janet’s father smiled back.
“Don’t be, we are fathers. I understand how you feel now. In fact I just get to know your son; he came with Janet to see me when I was hospitalized.”
“Your son… is a very bright child”
“Eh... yes he is. I’m very proud of him. He is nothing like me”
“How can you say that?” Janet’s father was surprised by his negative comments.
“I’ve no education, no skills, and no knowledge. I don’t know anything about the world; I don’t even know how many countries are there in Asian. The furthest place I’ve been is Genting with his late mother”
“Sometimes… I think my children despised and look down on me”
Edwin’s father tried to look away as his eyes started to get watery.
“You know what makes a good father?”
Janet’s father looked at him.
“I know, a good father is one who earns a lot of money and give them the best that he can afford. A big house, a big car and all the latest computers or things that their friends have”
Edwin’s father voiced roughened while thinking about his daughter Meiyee.
“You really think so?”
Edwin’s father nodded.
“Do you think my daughter is proud of me as a father?”
“Why not? You are so capable and must be earning a lot of money”
Edwin’s father replied almost immediately.
“You’re wrong, she’s not proud of me. In fact she kinds of hate me to the core”
“How can she do that? You worked so hard to maintain this family, to pay for all the expenses”
Edwin’s father was confused that his understanding was not proven.
“Sometimes we think of the things that we don’t have and believe by having it we will be happy.” Janet’s father looked at Edwin’s father in the eye.
“Sometimes the things we really need are actually with us all along.”
“My elder daughter moved out of our house because she hates being poor. I don’t see there’s anything good with our broken shop house”
Edwin’s father lowered his head.
“Even if you were rich, will you move away from your broken shop house?”
Edwin’s father shook his head.
“Why?”
“Because it is the place where I first met my wife, it is the place where we fell in love and it is the place where both my children were born. It is also place where I last seen her, the last time when I held her hand as she lay in my arms.”
“Because it is a place where you call home” Janet’s father simplified his believes.
“I’m sure she will understand one day”
“A father is the pillar of the house, the one who supports his family both financially and emotionally. We cannot be down or look down on ourselves just because we are not better than someone else. “
Janet’s father paused before continued.
“My daughter hates me because she thought I had driven my wife away. I don’t see a need to explain or let her know the truth, I can’t bear to see the image of my wife destroyed in the eyes of her. ”
“So I built a fence around her and want her to concentrate on her studies for her own good. I can’t be with her forever right…”
“She’s already lost her mum... no I have already lost my wife to be exact. So do you think that makes me a good father?” Janet’s father smiled.
“Sorry Sir, I don’t know what happened between you and your wife so I can’t comment. All I know is she is still alive, your daughter can still see her one day. Unlike my wife who has passed away many years ago.”
“I’m sorry about that” Janet’s father came over to lay a pat on his shoulder.
“I don’t know how to face her… I promised her that I will take care of both our children. I promised her that I will not let them suffer but truth is… they never lived a day of happiness in their life”
Edwin’s father suddenly kneeled down at the door.
“I’m a simple man. I’ve never done anything to hurt anyone or do anything bad in my life. Why is heaven treating me like this? What wrong have I done? The only women whom I loved left me at such a young age. My daughter despised me, move out of the house because of our family’s condition and now my son is lying unconsciously inside.”
“Why….” Edwin’s father couldn’t control himself anymore.
A nurse on duty came out to see the commotion but was assured by Janet’s father that everything was alright.
“You need to get a hold of yourself and be strong for them; your children still needs you”
Janet’s father tried to lift him up but Edwin’s father seems inconsolable.
“Ah Pa…”
Edwin’s father stopped.
A teary Meiyee stood not far away, hiding behind entrance.
“Ah Pa… I’m sorry…”
She came over and hugged him as hard as she could.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Ah Pa, and I shouldn’t have left the house”
Edwin’s father was lost for words.
“I was thinking the whole night yesterday and I realized that this was not something that I wanted. I want a place where I can see you face every day never mind the groceries that is stacked all over”
“Ah Pa I never despised you. To me you are the greatest father a daughter can ask for, I’m really sorry for being childish yesterday”
“Please forgive me” Meiyee pleaded with her father.
“My Child, I wasn’t angry with you..No parent will be angry with their child regardless of what situation”
Meiyee helped her father on his feet again.
“Aunt Grace told you that we were here?” Meiyee nodded her head while wiping her tears.
“You have a very strong father and someone whom you should really be proud of”
Janet’s father spoke as Meiyee looked at him.
“Yes I know.. I heard everything when I was at the door. Perhaps I was fueled by the situations that happened yesterday that I shifted the blame on my father”
“Although I don’t have branded bags, latest mobile phones or sport the latest trend. I have a family that adores and care about me. A family that whom I will never leave them out of my sight again”
Janet spoke with guilt in her sentence and tried not to look into her father’s eye.
“Jie… Ah Pa.*cough* cough*”
The sound came from the room muted everyone outside and turned towards that direction.
Edwin was sitting up on his bed and let out a faint smile.
[To be Cont]
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Secrets of the Heart - 心の秘密 Chapter 15 Prologue
Hi, can I tell you something?
Can you promise not to tell anyone?
Why?
Because it’s a secret.
I believe a lot of us grew up listening to this sentence.
It was so common during our younger days when we felt that secrets were something which is very special and should not be told to another person unnecessarily.
Instead, our secrets were traded.
“I’ll only tell you my secret if you tell me yours, first”
To our young and innocent minds, we often believed that secrets we said will not be told to another person. How wrong we were.
As we grew older, we don’t believe in that anymore.
We will feel that a secret is something which we will only tell certain people.
Perhaps we would only let our parents, our love ones or a very best friend know.
There are times however we realized that even our very best friends would not keep the secret that we entrusted to them.
We felt the hurt when someone else came to us asking about it.
As we entered adulthood, our secrets became a very personal thing.
These secrets are something which might has happened to us a long time ago. It could have been something unpleasant, something that we don’t want to rake it up all over again. It could have been a past relationship which you would not want your present partner to know.
For whatever reason it may be, we won’t really want to talk about it.
And so we sealed & locked our secrets away, buried deep inside our hearts.
Fearing that we do not have the courage to face it.
As more secrets were buried, our hearts slowly become a hurt locker waiting yearning for attention.
Over a while, we tend to forget about them and move on with life.
Until something happened that made us think back and pondered over the secrets that we buried deep.
What sort of secrets do you have?
Will you tell someone or will you bring it to you grave?
Will you smile knowing that it’s safe because no one else knows about it.
All of us have secrets, deep inside our hearts.
We kept them deep not because we don’t want anyone to find out, we are only waiting for the right person to tell…
Hi, can I tell you something?
Can you promise not to tell anyone?
Why?
Because it’s a secret.
I believe a lot of us grew up listening to this sentence.
It was so common during our younger days when we felt that secrets were something which is very special and should not be told to another person unnecessarily.
Instead, our secrets were traded.
“I’ll only tell you my secret if you tell me yours, first”
To our young and innocent minds, we often believed that secrets we said will not be told to another person. How wrong we were.
As we grew older, we don’t believe in that anymore.
We will feel that a secret is something which we will only tell certain people.
Perhaps we would only let our parents, our love ones or a very best friend know.
There are times however we realized that even our very best friends would not keep the secret that we entrusted to them.
We felt the hurt when someone else came to us asking about it.
As we entered adulthood, our secrets became a very personal thing.
These secrets are something which might has happened to us a long time ago. It could have been something unpleasant, something that we don’t want to rake it up all over again. It could have been a past relationship which you would not want your present partner to know.
For whatever reason it may be, we won’t really want to talk about it.
And so we sealed & locked our secrets away, buried deep inside our hearts.
Fearing that we do not have the courage to face it.
As more secrets were buried, our hearts slowly become a hurt locker waiting yearning for attention.
Over a while, we tend to forget about them and move on with life.
Until something happened that made us think back and pondered over the secrets that we buried deep.
What sort of secrets do you have?
Will you tell someone or will you bring it to you grave?
Will you smile knowing that it’s safe because no one else knows about it.
All of us have secrets, deep inside our hearts.
We kept them deep not because we don’t want anyone to find out, we are only waiting for the right person to tell…
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
[Our Parent’s advices]
A lot of us take advice seriously from our friends, our colleagues or classmates.
It could be regarding a new job offer or the girl whom you always want to know.
What should you do, how would you do it.
It’s not new to you because we are doing it almost every other day.
Our parents were among the first person we approached for an advice.
Most of the time, they would tell you what you shouldn’t be doing.
My mum is a typical negative minded person.
She would oppose in almost anything I want to do.
Like the design course I wanted to apply after O levels.
Like my choice of friends and the places I wanted to hang out.
She would say no to almost everything that came out from my mouth.
To her, having a steady job means more than anything in this life.
My passion, my dreams were something that is unpractical and perhaps unreasonable.
So I grew up my life listen to all her rejections even until this very day.
All my ventures, my proposals simply went down the drain the moment I speak to her.
My father on the other hand, never gives any advice.
He would only listen to what I want to say then let me say all the things I want.
Then he will not comment on it.
Normal reactions would be “Can do arh?”
You can say he’s more constructive in a way because he’s mentally challenging the possibilities in the problem.
There’s only one advice which he told me and sadly until today I still didn’t the importance of his advice.
“When are you going to get your driving license?”
I remembered he told me shortly after I came out from the army… almost 10years ago.
I would think it’s a bother to go through all the lessons and exams without the need of wanting a car. However, a license can be useful even if you don’t have a car.
My dad had the foresight and asked me to go for it.
I didn’t then, I had to now…
Looking forward, how will I advice my son one day?
If he comes to me with a problem, how would I help him?
If he comes to me with a passion, will I brush his hope away?
I hope not.
A lot of us failed to understand how much influence we have on others.
You'll never realized how much you can affect another person's emotions just by behaving negatively infront of him/her
A lot of us take advice seriously from our friends, our colleagues or classmates.
It could be regarding a new job offer or the girl whom you always want to know.
What should you do, how would you do it.
It’s not new to you because we are doing it almost every other day.
Our parents were among the first person we approached for an advice.
Most of the time, they would tell you what you shouldn’t be doing.
My mum is a typical negative minded person.
She would oppose in almost anything I want to do.
Like the design course I wanted to apply after O levels.
Like my choice of friends and the places I wanted to hang out.
She would say no to almost everything that came out from my mouth.
To her, having a steady job means more than anything in this life.
My passion, my dreams were something that is unpractical and perhaps unreasonable.
So I grew up my life listen to all her rejections even until this very day.
All my ventures, my proposals simply went down the drain the moment I speak to her.
My father on the other hand, never gives any advice.
He would only listen to what I want to say then let me say all the things I want.
Then he will not comment on it.
Normal reactions would be “Can do arh?”
You can say he’s more constructive in a way because he’s mentally challenging the possibilities in the problem.
There’s only one advice which he told me and sadly until today I still didn’t the importance of his advice.
“When are you going to get your driving license?”
I remembered he told me shortly after I came out from the army… almost 10years ago.
I would think it’s a bother to go through all the lessons and exams without the need of wanting a car. However, a license can be useful even if you don’t have a car.
My dad had the foresight and asked me to go for it.
I didn’t then, I had to now…
Looking forward, how will I advice my son one day?
If he comes to me with a problem, how would I help him?
If he comes to me with a passion, will I brush his hope away?
I hope not.
A lot of us failed to understand how much influence we have on others.
You'll never realized how much you can affect another person's emotions just by behaving negatively infront of him/her
Sunday, August 22, 2010
[ Leaving Home ]
“When are you finally going to clean up your room?”
My mum will nag about this all day long as I sank deep inside my own world.
“Maybe tomorrow…. ”
I guess this answer would come almost immediately as the dreadful noise pollution continues.
“If I feel like doing it….”
This would be the heart’s answer.
How I miss those words.
How I miss the 30 over years that I’ve stayed with my parents.
Maybe some of us will laugh at the fact everyone will go out and build their own home at certain points of their lives.
Being independent and growing up.
That’s adulthood and the true facts of life.
Recently I’ve finally moved out from my parents and have a place of my own with my wife. It took us a lot of effort to raise the funding to purchase our flat.
The first night of our stay, I couldn’t sleep.
I remembered that telling my wife that I missed mum’s nagging.
She would always nag across the room before we go to bed.
It would either be about my messy room, about me being overspending or simply complaining what a hard life she is having. Sometimes I would answer back with a sense of rebel and most of the time I will end up at the losing end.
It was all quiet as we switched off our lights.
No nagging, no complaining, no sound.
I know all of us always have the urge to leave home one day.
We know we will be the kings and queens of our own little palace.
We can cook whatever we want and we can always leave the cleaning to tomorrow.
That’s probably the good side.
I’ve realized there are so many things which I won’t have know until I moved out.
Doing your groceries shopping is an art.
Some days you can be at the supermarket and realize that there’s no vegetable at all.
Buying the correct things at the correct supermarket can save you some dollars.
Cooking is not putting in all the ingredients and expects it to turn nicely as how our mums would cook. Doing laundry and mopping the floor exerts more energy than climbing stairs.
As we slowly get use to managing the whole house ourselves, I learn to appreciate all the nagging that I used to have.
As far as I hate nagging, it is still a communication skill that only women perfect the art.
It is an art of driving a message across your ears, bypassing your logic senses and directly hit your brain and memory.
Somehow no matter where you go, how far you’ve been, you will always remember your mum’s nagging.
These days, we only go back on Sunday.
She doesn’t really nag anymore.
“When you step out of the house, you are an adult now. Soon you are going to be someone’s father; I don’t need to nag at you anymore”
I know I might be labeled a sissy in front of my friends
(ok never mind that, all of them don’t read my blog)
I missed her nagging and miss her.
Thanks for all the nag that I’ve received in my life.
You’ll never know how much you miss it until you missed it.
“When are you finally going to clean up your room?”
My mum will nag about this all day long as I sank deep inside my own world.
“Maybe tomorrow…. ”
I guess this answer would come almost immediately as the dreadful noise pollution continues.
“If I feel like doing it….”
This would be the heart’s answer.
How I miss those words.
How I miss the 30 over years that I’ve stayed with my parents.
Maybe some of us will laugh at the fact everyone will go out and build their own home at certain points of their lives.
Being independent and growing up.
That’s adulthood and the true facts of life.
Recently I’ve finally moved out from my parents and have a place of my own with my wife. It took us a lot of effort to raise the funding to purchase our flat.
The first night of our stay, I couldn’t sleep.
I remembered that telling my wife that I missed mum’s nagging.
She would always nag across the room before we go to bed.
It would either be about my messy room, about me being overspending or simply complaining what a hard life she is having. Sometimes I would answer back with a sense of rebel and most of the time I will end up at the losing end.
It was all quiet as we switched off our lights.
No nagging, no complaining, no sound.
I know all of us always have the urge to leave home one day.
We know we will be the kings and queens of our own little palace.
We can cook whatever we want and we can always leave the cleaning to tomorrow.
That’s probably the good side.
I’ve realized there are so many things which I won’t have know until I moved out.
Doing your groceries shopping is an art.
Some days you can be at the supermarket and realize that there’s no vegetable at all.
Buying the correct things at the correct supermarket can save you some dollars.
Cooking is not putting in all the ingredients and expects it to turn nicely as how our mums would cook. Doing laundry and mopping the floor exerts more energy than climbing stairs.
As we slowly get use to managing the whole house ourselves, I learn to appreciate all the nagging that I used to have.
As far as I hate nagging, it is still a communication skill that only women perfect the art.
It is an art of driving a message across your ears, bypassing your logic senses and directly hit your brain and memory.
Somehow no matter where you go, how far you’ve been, you will always remember your mum’s nagging.
These days, we only go back on Sunday.
She doesn’t really nag anymore.
“When you step out of the house, you are an adult now. Soon you are going to be someone’s father; I don’t need to nag at you anymore”
I know I might be labeled a sissy in front of my friends
(ok never mind that, all of them don’t read my blog)
I missed her nagging and miss her.
Thanks for all the nag that I’ve received in my life.
You’ll never know how much you miss it until you missed it.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
[A Letter to My Child – Part II]
Dear Son,
Time seems to move very fast when you are busy.
You are in your 31st week and we’ll be visiting the gyne later on.
Your mum and I have decided on your name.
You know, a name is the actually the first emotional gift that a parent gave it their child to unify the bond between them. Every individual child’s name is special in their parent’s ear and every name has a different meaning.
Perhaps due to the fact that I was born in an uneducated parents and being Taoist, there wasn’t any English name for me.
One of the earliest questions that I was ever asked was, “What’s the meaning of your name?”
I went home and asked my parents as I was totally unaware.
“Oh, cos one of cousin was named Wen Yi, so we followed his “Yi” and named you “Shun Yi” loh” my mum explained.
“Har? Like that only arh?” and I thought I was special.
“No lah, we want you to be filial and righteous that’s why we named you “顺义” which is 孝顺，讲义气!” my mum followed after seeing my dreadful look.
31 years on, I looked back and asked myself whether I’m a filial & righteous guy.
I hope I’m, I wish I’m more.
Your mum’s name” 红梅” was named by her grandfather.
Her explanation of her name’s origin was based on the first sight of the newborn where your great grandfather resembles one “林黛玉” character in Dream of the Red Chamber 红楼梦.
I never had a chance to ask him why he wanted to name her this way.
Both your dad and mum grew up using our English name rather than our given name.
But we’ll never forget the story and meaning behind our name.
We hope to give you a name which is meaningful yet unique and easy to call.
We want to name you “Alvy Lim”
It may make you sound like a branded bag but there is a special meaning behind this name.
Alvy is Anntonii Lim Vanilla Yu
Dear Son,
Time seems to move very fast when you are busy.
You are in your 31st week and we’ll be visiting the gyne later on.
Your mum and I have decided on your name.
You know, a name is the actually the first emotional gift that a parent gave it their child to unify the bond between them. Every individual child’s name is special in their parent’s ear and every name has a different meaning.
Perhaps due to the fact that I was born in an uneducated parents and being Taoist, there wasn’t any English name for me.
One of the earliest questions that I was ever asked was, “What’s the meaning of your name?”
I went home and asked my parents as I was totally unaware.
“Oh, cos one of cousin was named Wen Yi, so we followed his “Yi” and named you “Shun Yi” loh” my mum explained.
“Har? Like that only arh?” and I thought I was special.
“No lah, we want you to be filial and righteous that’s why we named you “顺义” which is 孝顺，讲义气!” my mum followed after seeing my dreadful look.
31 years on, I looked back and asked myself whether I’m a filial & righteous guy.
I hope I’m, I wish I’m more.
Your mum’s name” 红梅” was named by her grandfather.
Her explanation of her name’s origin was based on the first sight of the newborn where your great grandfather resembles one “林黛玉” character in Dream of the Red Chamber 红楼梦.
I never had a chance to ask him why he wanted to name her this way.
Both your dad and mum grew up using our English name rather than our given name.
But we’ll never forget the story and meaning behind our name.
We hope to give you a name which is meaningful yet unique and easy to call.
We want to name you “Alvy Lim”
It may make you sound like a branded bag but there is a special meaning behind this name.
Alvy is Anntonii Lim Vanilla Yu
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